This shouldn’t even be funny but I get
asked this all the time and what am I supposed to do if my husband hates me?
Let’s take that on in a serious way today. Kind of an interesting title today
right? What to do when your husband hate you? Now let’s take a look at this. Okay I
believe and I’ve addressed this on some of the other videos on this channel
actually, that we have a choice. We always have a choice. When we interact with
someone else, between love and hate. And I pick the word hate because people hate
the word hate. But honestly, if it’s not a love choice, what is it?
Yeah it’s going to be on this side one way or another. I don’t think that
there’s a neutral option. I think we have to fall on one side or the other. The
first thing I want to say about this. What to do when your husband hate you or
your wife or your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your mom or your dad or
your kid. Whoever it is. When someone hates you, you choose love. Okay now does
that seem a little weird. Let’s just work with that for a minute because it’s got
to be on one side or the other and the thing about choosing love is that it’s a
little harder to do when someone else is choosing hate. But there’s a lot of good
reasons why we need to do this. Can I just share a little example with you of
something that occurred with a family I was working with. A young man and the
young woman were in a relationship together. And he did something that
offended her. Okay so she ran off and talked to her family about the thing
that this young man did. That was kind of a hate choice. Coming from I don’t know,
just the weakness the typical human weakness that we all have. In fact you
know what, Desmond Tutu said it this way. He said we
are all broken and from that brokenness we hurt each other. So this young man did
something hateful not because he’s evil but because he’s human
that hurt this young woman. Well she responded with a loving response or a
hateful response. Well she went and talked to her family in a kind of a
hateful way. Well that causes the family to get fired up and they start lobbing
hateful comments and remarks toward this young man. Well that woke up mama bear on
this side of the equation, right? And so you see what happens? How do you think
wars get started? Honestly it starts with something as
simple as an offence between two people. It’s how it works. So with all of this
hateful stuff going on, where’s that going to end? Now what if your spouse or
your ex or someone in your life does something hateful toward you? You’re in a
choice now. You got to choose love or hate. What do they deserve? Well that’s
not the best question. The best question is what kind of a person are you going
to be and do not let someone else’s hateful choice, drag you into the same
kind of a choice. Because if a hateful choice leads to another hateful choice
and it just builds from there and we’re lobbing shells the whole time. Starts
wars, okay? Causes all kinds of death and
destruction. Am I exaggerating that? I don’t think so. That’s where it starts. So
we get to choose love and it’s especially hard when someone’s being
hateful. But that’s the choice that you’ve faced with. Okay now with that
being said, I don’t think he really hates you. Well I don’t know you, I don’t know
your situation but here’s what I found. Usually when a
hateful exchange starts to occur between two people who love each other, who chose
each other to be in a relationship, it’s usually not that he hates you. Even if he
says he does. Probably not. Usually hateful choices come from either typical
human weakness or a position of feeling threatened. I remember when I was a
little kid. I was in kindergarten I think five years old and there was this cat
that got into our yard and I am the big strong kindergartner. I’m going to go out
and defend this house, right? from the stray cat that’s just coming into our
yard. So I get this cat kind of cornered over in the tomatoes and he’s between
two tomato cages right up against the wall of our house. And I’ve got him
cornered and I’m threatening a man you get out of here. You big old mean cat. That
cat jumped on me and bit my leg in a way that left a scar that still exists today.
Right here on my thigh. Now why did that cat bite me? Because it’s a
mean evil animal? No, because it was cornered and threatened. You see where
I’m going with this? Probably it was a wonderful pet that someone owned. Their
little kitty right? And it’s attacking me because it feels threatened.
This is going to steam perhaps just a little bit because if someone is acting
hateful toward you, it may not mean that they’re evil or bad it may mean that
they feel threatened and scared. That could be very informative. So probably if
someone’s being hateful towards you, it may not even be about you it may be
about something completely different that’s going on in their life
for they’re feeling threatened. Well are they feeling threatened by you? Perhaps.
take a look. That could be informative so keep the mind open to some of those
possibilities. Now what can we do about it? Big advocate by the way of preserving
marriages and saving key relationships. Love doing that. You’ll see that there
are a lot of videos here on the channel about how to deal with divorce and child
custody and things that happen if a marriage does split up. But my heart is
in saving and enriching key relationships. I want to help you to do
that too. So what can you do if your spouse is being hateful toward you?
Choose love and then try a little five-day experiment. You don’t have to
let them know that you’re doing this, okay? Just try it out. Be observant. Keep
some notes. Notice what happens if you do this. Here’s the five-day experiment.
There’s two parts to it. The first part is what I call “25/5”.
“25/5”. So five stands for five days. I want this to be a five-day experiment.
For those five days you come up with a list of 25 things for which you are
sincerely grateful. Look at some of the videos we’ve done here on this channel
about gratitude. You’ll see why it’s so important. 25 things for which you are
sincerely grateful. And don’t make it up okay? You have to actually be grateful
for it to put it on the list. Now here’s what powers it up. At least
half of your list every day. And by the way, don’t repeat anything on tomorrow’s
list that was on today’s list. Whole new list tomorrow, okay? You can do this.
Invite your mind to go there. Half of your list every day that’s 13 if you’re
doing the math, is about your husband or your wife, your spouse or your marriage.
Okay at least half
of your list every day is about your spouse or your marriage. And again don’t
make it up. Make sure that you’re really grateful for it.
This is powerful and I don’t even have to give you all the rationale behind it.
You understand already that there’s some power and gratitude. It changes you.
It changes your mind and your focus and that’s what you’re bringing to the
relationship. This is what gives you the very best chance to influence it. And
then just notice what happens. Even if you’re not expressing it to your spouse.
Find what you’re grateful for. Put it on your list and then notice what happens
with your spouse. It could be very fascinating. Do this for five days, okay?
Here’s phase 2 – well it’s not phase two as in do this afterwards. I mean do it
right along at the same five days. We’re going to do another five-day experiment.
This one is called “5 for 5”. “5 for 5. Again five days, but this time
we’re going to send five messages every day, that’s 25 by the end of the
five days. 5 messages every day that communicate one of these three things. I value this relationship. How do you send
that message? Well there’s a dozen ways to do that. Find some way to communicate
that you value this relationship. It might be coming home early from work. It
might be leaving a little note before you leave the house. It might be slipping
something into the lunch pail a little surprise or a note that somebody gets to
discover a little bit later but you send the message that you value this
relationship. That it’s important to you. Message number two. My life is better
because you’re in it. My life is better because you are in it. This is a
powerfully affirming message if someone is acting hatefully towards you. This
changes the energy of that whole thing. And it’s a powerful way to influence
perceptions. The third message that you can do for your 5/5 exercise, is I
appreciate you. Now be specific about that. Not just I appreciate you. I
appreciate you for whatever. Okay? Fill in the blanks. You find something specific
for which you are sincerely grateful and that’s not going to be too hard because
you’re making a list, right? but you’re going to send the message that you
appreciate your spouse for something specific. Find five ways to send one of
those three messages five days in a row. Do it the same five days and that’s
going to power this thing up. What can you do if your spouse is acting hateful
toward you? I say acting hateful because I don’t think they actually hate you.
It’s a whole other conversation. Choose love. Choose love, okay? And then try this
five-day experiment. 25/5 gratitude list. Half of that’s about your spouse or your
marriage and 5/5. Five messages, five days in a row. Give it a
try. You know what, as awesome as you are, it’s hard to imagine that anyone would
hate you. But if somebody does, maybe that’s going help. I hope so. i standing in the street alone alone