Unlikely Things to Hear
at a Wedding or Funeral. It was always Alan’s dream
to be buried with his wife. So, this afternoon, we shot her. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE All the tables are named after mine
and my wife’s favourite films. I know it’s quite crowded over
there on the Human Centipede, but if you all squeeze
in together you’ll be fine. LAUGHTER Oh, thank you, no. I’ve had more
than enough free Prosecco. LAUGHTER Yes, I know it’s traditional for the
bride to have something blue, I just don’t think you should
have dug up Grandma. LAUGHTER Just because he was morbidly obese doesn’t mean he can’t be
buried with dignity. Gary, get the forklift! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE In life, he was a strong,
confident and capable man. Excelled at everything he did. Apart from swimming, obviously. LAUGHTER At least George died doing
what he loved. Heroin. LAUGHTER I know it’s customary
as father of the bride to give my daughter away, but I’d
like to try something different. Er, 55, 55, 55.
Do I have 60 in the room? Do I have 60 in the room? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And if you look at the back
of today’s order of service, you’ll see a picture of Ethel
when she was much younger. I think we’ll all agree,
it’s one for the wank bank. AUDIENCE GASPS AND GROANS Today is not a sad day,
it’s a celebration, because, after all, Trevor was a
prick. LAUGHTER Bride’s side or groom’s side?
I don’t know. I’ve fucked them both. LAUGHTER Why she drove into oncoming
traffic, we will never know. Perhaps Vera by name… LAUGHTER Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Never WhatsApp while walking, he got hit by a bus. LAUGHTER We choreographed our own first
dance, because we are arseholes. LAUGHTER No, it’s just, it’s funny.
No, I’ve just realised, because I’ve never actually met
a Scottish Widow. You know, it’s like… LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sadly, today we all know
exactly where Wally is. LAUGHTER And I’d like to congratulate
the bride’s mother on how well she looks tonight, although not
as well as she’d look on my dick! LAUGHTER I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER CONTINUES My goodness. My goodness,
yes, that is a lovely ring. Now pop your trousers back on. LAUGHTER Does anybody else find there’s
a seriously inconsistent tone at this wedding or funeral? LAUGHTER Raymond was a man of many parts. None of them worked.
That’s why he’s dead. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE