Unlikely things to hear at a wedding or funeral | Mock The Week – BBC


Unlikely Things to Hear
at a Wedding or Funeral. It was always Alan’s dream
to be buried with his wife. So, this afternoon, we shot her. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE All the tables are named after mine
and my wife’s favourite films. I know it’s quite crowded over
there on the Human Centipede, but if you all squeeze
in together you’ll be fine. LAUGHTER Oh, thank you, no. I’ve had more
than enough free Prosecco. LAUGHTER Yes, I know it’s traditional for the
bride to have something blue, I just don’t think you should
have dug up Grandma. LAUGHTER Just because he was morbidly obese doesn’t mean he can’t be
buried with dignity. Gary, get the forklift! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE In life, he was a strong,
confident and capable man. Excelled at everything he did. Apart from swimming, obviously. LAUGHTER At least George died doing
what he loved. Heroin. LAUGHTER I know it’s customary
as father of the bride to give my daughter away, but I’d
like to try something different. Er, 55, 55, 55.
Do I have 60 in the room? Do I have 60 in the room? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And if you look at the back
of today’s order of service, you’ll see a picture of Ethel
when she was much younger. I think we’ll all agree,
it’s one for the wank bank. AUDIENCE GASPS AND GROANS Today is not a sad day,
it’s a celebration, because, after all, Trevor was a
prick. LAUGHTER Bride’s side or groom’s side?
I don’t know. I’ve fucked them both. LAUGHTER Why she drove into oncoming
traffic, we will never know. Perhaps Vera by name… LAUGHTER Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Never WhatsApp while walking, he got hit by a bus. LAUGHTER We choreographed our own first
dance, because we are arseholes. LAUGHTER No, it’s just, it’s funny.
No, I’ve just realised, because I’ve never actually met
a Scottish Widow. You know, it’s like… LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Sadly, today we all know
exactly where Wally is. LAUGHTER And I’d like to congratulate
the bride’s mother on how well she looks tonight, although not
as well as she’d look on my dick! LAUGHTER I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE LAUGHTER CONTINUES My goodness. My goodness,
yes, that is a lovely ring. Now pop your trousers back on. LAUGHTER Does anybody else find there’s
a seriously inconsistent tone at this wedding or funeral? LAUGHTER Raymond was a man of many parts. None of them worked.
That’s why he’s dead. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Michael Martin

58 Responses

  1. Thank you for coming to my new son in law’s wedding, now if he can just say his last words before he marries my daughter.

  2. We gathering together to witness the joining of Bob and Mary… and the passing of Mary's Dad… Who said, "you can marry her over my dead body…"

  3. I hear granny used to enjoy relaxing with some ice tea.

    Yes. She particularly enjoyed 'O.G. Original Gangster'.

  4. Normally, this is where the father of the bride would give a speech, but but we have no idea who he is because someone was a bit of a slag.

  5. No matter the calls to make this a day of celebration, it cannot overcome our grief at the tragedy which has brought us here. We must persevere nonetheless.

    That being said: Do you take this man…

  6. I recall being at a "viewing" at a funeral home. The brother of the deceased spent the entire time handing out business cards for his construction business.

  7. "I think it's very arrogant of the John to proclaim himself to be the" best man" here today when I raised 10 grand for charity last year. Best man, my arse!"

  8. It isn't the same without Frankie Boyle. His humour is dark but it is funny at the same time. For those that don't get the Scottish Widows reference, it is a UK financial institution that does pensions, investments, insurance and mortgages. It is part of the Lloyds Banking Group.

  9. Any time I view one of these clips on YouTube I always see a new and unfunny comedian I've not seen before. This time it's some sort of discount Jason Manford.

  10. I was thinking how this was a really unique one as the prompt is two very different scenarios. Glad Ed called them out on it!

  11. Never seen this british version, but they should really leave it to "Whose Line…"
    This was quite drawn out and boring (No, im not american)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Post comment