The Simple Question that Can Repair a Broken Relationship | SuperSoul Sunday | Oprah Winfrey Network


  OPRAH: When I was reading this I was thinking about, who are the people I need to clean up things with?  To be in that space of cleaning up. And to be able to be in the position to say, what did I do to hurt you?  How did I hurt you?  What could I have done better?  You all did all of that.     ELIZABETH:  Yes, we did.    OPRAH:  Yeah.    ELIZABETH:  And we did it because, as I said, we wanted to teach our cells to do the same thing when they got into her body. You know, like don’t attack.  Don’t reject. So we went through that, how did I hurt you?  How did I hurt you?  Will you forgive me? And —    OPRAH:  Wow, isn’t that — that is so powerful. And as you say that, I think about all the people who are listening to us right now who have been hurt or hurt other people and how simple it would be just to —    ELIZABETH:  It is.  It’s so simple.    OPRAH:  — enter the space of peace with that by saying, how did I hurt you?    ELIZABETH:  How did I hurt you?  Tell me. And then to listen.  Then to listen.  It’s very hard not to get defensive.    OPRAH:  Yeah, not to get defensive.    ELIZABETH:  And this is why having a therapist — we only met with him twice.  He taught us how to do it on our own.  We then spent months.    OPRAH:  How to really listen and not start with your, I didn’t mean that and I can’t believe you felt that.    ELIZABETH:  That’s right.  Really his only job the whole time was, like, wait a minute.  Let her finish. And that’s — so it’s simple.  But it’s not easy.  And sometimes you need help.    OPRAH:  Mm-hmm.    ELIZABETH:  And not everyone is safe to do it with. This is an important point.    OPRAH:  Yes.  Yeah.    ELIZABETH:  Yeah.    OPRAH:  That’s not just important.  That’s essential.  You have to be in agreement to do it.    ELIZABETH:  You do.    OPRAH:  You can’t do it with somebody who is still caring — who still wants to hold onto the anger.    ELIZABETH:  That’s right.  And I can assure you, it doesn’t work.  Because I have tried.    OPRAH: (Laughter.)    ELIZABETH:  Over and over sometimes with the same person.    OPRAH:  Really.    ELIZABETH:  Yes.  You know, I came out of the experience, like, okay, I’m gonna clean it up.    OPRAH:  Yeah.    ELIZABETH:  But there are some people who it will threaten, there’s some people who really don’t want to go there and who are so wounded that they just still feel they have to wound other people. You know, Maya Angelou has a wonderful line. Be careful when a naked man offers you a shirt.  OPRAH:  Yeah.    ELIZABETH:  And she said that after she said something, like, I don’t trust people who say, I love you, when they don’t love them self. So to me, that’s what you look for is this person same safe for me to be vulnerable with?

Michael Martin

46 Responses

  1. "Not everyone is safe to do this with."
    Powerful truth. Especially true with people who live to blame others as a distraction or, worse yet, a mind game (where they try to induce guilt within the other person).

  2. I wish this video could have been been longer . I was just getting is lit out of this short piece of the interview.🌷

  3. and yes I want to do this after listening to OWN and I did try. I took the first step but I'm confused now because what people said that you did this , you did that but I know I didn't do it. so should I just accept whatever they said I did 🤔

  4. It is unforgivable to forgive the unforgivable. After having been hurt beyond repair, if the wrongdoer is so thick that he/she has no idea what he/she did wrong, it's pointless to engage him/her and if the wrongdoer knows what he/she did wrong was on purpose, it's pointless to engage them. So I disagree with both Oprah and her guest.

  5. "There are some people who are threatened….or who are so wounded they have to threaten others." Based on my own experience, this is so true….one's growth causes friction and sometimes it's not as easy as it seems. Especially when you've played a specific "role" in another person's life and now you want something different. Not everyone will be happy for your growth. I've found that even expressing words stated as "I feel X" or "I feel Y" can cause people to defend themselves, and even go on the offensive. I've finally come to realize I'm not sharing my feelings to negotiate them. They're my feelings. And, there's a difference between someone simply hearing and validating you, and them having to agree. Not everyone has the grace to hold a space for another person's experience without judgment or blame. And I've also found those who do the blaming (for sharing my feelings) are also the most likely to not accept any responsibility. For some, it's much easier to let you carry responsibility for both parties.

    One other key takeaway for me is "not everyone is safe" to do this with. I've experienced the rage attack as a result of sharing feelings about something that triggered a rage attack, or as I suspect now, a narcissist injury that included retaliation in return. I wish I'd known long ago about better boundaries, self-esteem, and assertive communication. Thankfully, there is no age limit to self-care, growth, peace, and harmony in one's life.

  6. WHAT PEOPLE can you say these things to???? They must be from another planet unknown to most of us. Seems to me you would be like lancing a boil on someone's azz with an ax.

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  8. I have seen if ppl have been hurt they hurt others even those who dont or ever hurt them its like a poison being spread

  9. Thank you for giving me the power to make peace with my family now I can no longer worry anymore I owe you a lot for this

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  12. Hello Oprah.  Keep on keeping on.  Thank you for helping many people in many different ways.

  13. I was just talking & praying to God earlier this morning… I was talking & praying about & for a hurt person who is hurting me.

  14. @ 2:36 – Totally agree. Some people are not worth being vulnerable with and to try to heal with and from because they simply can't because of their own limitations as a result of ego and/or insensitivity.

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