The Four Foundational Laws of Marriage [Session 2] // Jimmy Evans

marriage today presents the four foundational laws of marriage by Jimmy Evans one of the most important things that we understand related to marriage is there are laws and a lot of times people are fearful of marriage because they don't understand that there are laws associated with and I'm a pilot I'm a licensed pilot I got my pilot's license last year my family will not fly with me yet I mean let me give that disclaimer but there are laws related to aerodynamics and so I'm not afraid to fly as long as I'm respecting the laws because there are laws planes don't just fall out of the air is that you know when you're there's a plane that crashes or something that happens wrong it just didn't happen you know just just by chance it's something something violated the laws of aerodynamics for that to happen I say when you don't understand the laws of marriage it's a really scary thing and it was for Karen and me we got married at 19 years old we didn't have any pre marriage preparation before we got married and so we didn't know and honestly I just thought you're either lucky enough to marry the right person or you're unlucky and you marry the wrong person and honestly I love Karen I was very attracted her I thought I married the wrong person after a few years of marriage because and she did too because it just wasn't working we didn't know no one ever told us we were violating every law of marriage and so some of you watching right now you'll love each other and God puts you together but you may be frustrated you may be discouraged you may be fearful because you've failed before in marriages or you feel like you're failing now and you don't know what to do I just want to give you the good news when God creates anything he creates it for success and when God creates anything he creates it upon the laws of his kingdom and the laws of his work so when God created marriage he said some very important words and this is Genesis 2:24 and 25 you probably heard this before it says therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh and they were both naked the man and his wife and they were not ashamed now I had heard that scripture read not heard it at marriages and weddings and things like that but I never knew that those were the four foundational laws of marriage and that everything God created marriage and he spoke those words and when he spoke those words he created a foundation for marriage that would ensure that every marriage could succeed now listen why I'm about safe you have a 100% chance of success in marriage you you were made for marriage God made you in your mother's womb and you were made for marriage and some people just think I don't know that I can succeed in marriage you know I'm fearful of marriage I have a 50/50 chance you don't have a 50/50 chance you have a 100% chance if you do it God's Way we tell the other good news it's not complicated if it was complicated I couldn't do it God doesn't use me to do this because I'm special God uses me to do this because if I can do it anybody can do it it's simple there are four foundational laws of marriage and once we understand these laws and just apply these laws it changes everything and it did for Karen and me we were on the brink of divorce we didn't we didn't know anything about marriage but once we begin to practice the four foundational laws of marriage first of all it tells you what to do secondly when you start having problems it tells you we're having problems because we're violating one of these these laws of marriage so the first law of marriage is the law of priority and we'll go through these four laws the Bible says for this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother the word leaved there doesn't mean you mistreat your father or mother it just means you reprioritize before you get married they're your closest blood kin before you marry if it came down to it they're the most important priority in your life but what it says is for this cost not for every cause but for this cause you've got to reprioritize your relationship and don't be mean to your mom and dad don't you know do anything unbecoming but you've got to reprioritize and now your spouse becomes first merit listen marriage only works in purse place it won't work in any other place and so we have to reprioritize our lives and able to do this now let me talk about legitimate jealousy for just a minute because there is a bad kind of jealousy but when we get married there is a natural jealousy that is inside of us that God puts there let me give an example of this we have two children our children in their 30s and when our daughter Julie we when we got married at 19 and Julie was born we were 20 and about 12 months after we got married y'all doing the math and we and Julie was born and she was born I had not held her that was before the days that guys went into the room when peas were being birth so I was waiting outside Julie was born and they took her in to where they you know cleaned her off and measured during all those things and so I had never held you I had just you know obviously Karen was pregnant and and then when she was laying in this little room with these nurses I was looking in the window ever and when the nurses walked up and grabbed her by the heels you know how they do to measure him and she described her by her heels and just hunger by her heels to measure her I almost went through the plate-glass window I mean literally my body just said jump through there and rescue her that woman was you know handle like a sack of taters you know so it frightened me well what I realized was the instant that my daughter was born I became a protective father I never had a book about it nothing ever told me I was supposed to do that it was instinctive when you stand at the altar and get married or you get married something God places something inside of you that says you belong to me first before your parents before your friends before the kids before your work before athletics you belong to me first it happens with both of us and so remember in exodus 34:14 god says my name is jealous God one of the names of God in the Bible is capital J jealous and jealous means intolerant of rivalry God is not sick jealous he is passionate jealous God loves us and he fights for the relationship and God resents anything in our life that has taken his place because God deserves first place right okay so God wants first place he believes that he deserves first place and he does so when God sees us giving his place to somebody else God becomes jealous again not out of an emotional unhealth but out of passion I'm thankful that I serve a God who loves me and fights for the relationship I am okay but in marriage you naturally will become jealous when something has taken your place in your spouse's life they did a study of couples and they found and this is not a good study this was just but it was real study and they found that couples that first get married – we hear about the honeymoon being over they're the happiest and this is a secular survey it shouldn't be that way but they are and the reason is nothing has happened in the beginning of the marriage to upset the priorities of the marriage but when children come into the marriage the satisfaction of the marriage typically drops again there's nothing wrong with kids kids are a blessing but when children come into the marriage what typically happens is a man turns his attention more to his career a woman turns her attention more to the children and the priority of the marriage is lost when children enter into secondary education junior high and high school marry satisfactions typically at its lowest and that is because the kids were active they need a chauffeur they need to Beit they're socially active and they need a lot of attention and it really need a lot of money and once again the they do and so there's pressure on the father there's pressure on the mother and again they're not spending time together once the kids leave home when they're 18 1938 once they leave home the marriage satisfaction goes up typically at that point but unfortunately never as much as it was before let me tell you the sad part about that is God made marriage to get better every year God God never makes anything to felt live how sick is it that the rookie is supposed to be the best is there any other area of life where the rookie is supposed to be the example and what a terrible thing to say is how long have you been married well we've been married 10 years honeymoons over well now you've got a lifetime of drudgery ahead yeah good luck you know marriage gets better when you do it God's Way and it only works in first place it won't work in third or fourth placement I believe me I tried and so here's how to establish and maintain the right priorities in your marriage there's two steps one is they have to be proven in real terms not just words you can't just say your first in my life you have to prove that your spouse is first in your life and here are four ways that you prove your priorities in marriage they're very simple one is sacrifice what would you give up for me it's real it's real simple what will you get golf or in golf is of the Lord is that golf almost ruined our marriage because Karen early in our marriage i golfed all the time Karen wanted me to give up golf I told her I said no but you can come caddy for me it was a near-death experience I saw the white light the whole thing and is that I wouldn't give up golf for her but I didn't understand why she was so upset what will you give up for me now I want you to listen to me just a minute me the second one is time sacrifice what will you give up for me the second one is time consistent with priority if you're telling me that I'm first there has to be time time is the commodity of relationship money is the commodity of business if I wanted to keep you from being successful in business I just have to keep you away from anything if I can keep money from you you'll never succeed in business because money is the essential commodity of business time is the essential commodity of relationship to ruin your relationships all I have to do is keep time away from you and there's the old saying if the devil can't get in front of you and stop you he'll get behind you and push you too fast and people are going to fast and they don't have time for family they don't have time for each other and we have to cut back what will you give up for me and how much time you're gonna give me let me say this when Karen and I got married there weren't cell phones there weren't computers there weren't fax machines there weren't cars there were no we had cars back then well listen there weren't computers and cell phones all that so when you were with a person you were with that person if you were on a date and you were like eating dinner it was just you no one else was with you today we have so much electronic intrusion into our lives and when you're dating here's what happens when you're dating through your phone rings and you look at it and turn it off whoever's calling you you you turn it off because it's like sorry sorry someone's trying to get a hold of me but you're more important you're more important I'm gonna sacrifice talking to my friend because of you when you're married you take the call and what happens is sometimes it's okay sometimes you're together and it's a casual getting together but I'm telling you there's some times I'm with Karen she I don't want talking her telephone and she don't want me talking on the telephone and what this means is I'm gonna sacrifice being connected to everybody on earth for as long as it takes for us to bond and let me say something electronics are great and I believe in technology it's a good servant but it's a terrible master it will destroy your relationships if you don't discipline it it will destroy your relationships and let me let me say another thing they have proven electronic relationships are not as quality is flesh his face-to-face relationships and so when I'm with my wife she she belongs to me first I belong to her first and I'm gonna say no to people who are trying to intrude on this so we can have a conversation without it constantly being interrupted or something like that no you know there may be an exception of the kids were home when the house is on fire something like that you go ahead and take the fall you know but number two so you have to prove your priorities by the way the four ways you prove your priorities sacrifice time energy and add it to there has to be energy you can't just be your home eating chicken watching sports you know it's there has to be some energy behind it and an attitude the attitude is I want to be with you this you know you're not a ball and chain I really want to be with you and it's good the second way that you prove priorities is you have to constantly protect them from good things out of priority good things out of priority most of the things that destroy marriages aren't bad things they're good things out of priority let me give you example when I went into the ministry Ken and I had a real problem early in our marriage with golf working golf and I hung up my golf clubs for several years and healed our marriage because what it communicated to Karen is she was first in my life and I gave her then the time that golf was taking from her and now she doesn't mind if I play golf because she knows that she comes first but when I came into the ministry I was in business before I came to the ministry the Lord healed our marriage people started coming to us for marriage counseling the pastor of our church walked up to me and said would you come on staff to do marriage counseling I was shocked because I didn't I didn't feel qualified I'd never had any formal training in that but I came on staff to do marriage counseling and then 10 months later he left to take a church in Florida and I became the senior pastor of our church at 29 years old I was terrified I didn't know how to preach the sermon I didn't know how to do a funeral or a wedding I didn't know how to manage a staff our church was 900 people at that time and I had no experience and I had no friends in the ministry I all my friends were in the appliance business they were worthless at that point in time yeah I mean hey Bob how do you Pastor somebody you know and and but it just so I was I was in ministry didn't have any friends in ministry 29 years old and I was obsessed well I had fear fear of failure fear of rejection all those things were motivating me and I work too much and when I came home Karen Karen was Karen's best wife in the world and she was totally supportive of me being in ministry and pastoring and all that but I would come home after 12 or 14 hour days and when I came home again Karen's a great wife but she would say Brent needs this Julie needs this I need this and that's not what I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear when I came home is thank you for saving the world from and you're you're the greatest man on earth and come in you don't have to lift a finger we're gonna do everything for you but she didn't do that Julie needs this Britney's this and I this is like I'm I'm tired I'm tired and she's I know you're tired and but Julie needs this brittany's this and I need this and and so we got in fight over and I just thought she's persecuting the wards and on it and I I did that's what I thought I just thought that so I told her that by the way well we got in a fight we got the big fight over it now finally I decided I'm sleeping on the couch I'm not gonna let let the sister have the blessing of me being in bed with her or not thinks she slept better actually honestly I slept on the couch for several nights I knew she was wrong I knew she was wrong no doubt in my mind she was wrong and I was laying there one night sanctimoniously and I was laying there throat like third night on the couch and I was praying for her and I thought lord help her you know she here's what the Lord spoke to me I'll never forget it spoke my heart Jimmy you have communicated to Karen in real terms that the church is more important than she is that you repent and you go tell her your home and I thought you mean I've spent three nights on the couch to hear that and I went and I told Karen I said I'm Karen I'm full of fear I'm I'm driven I'm giving everything to the church and I said I'm so sorry and I said I'm gonna leave the ministry I'll go back in the appliance business we'll get our lives right and Karen said Jimmy you're supposed to be in the ministry don't don't leave the ministry but we need you first and from that point forward I changed because I decided I wasn't gonna lay my family on the altar of success and let me say this because you know all the pastor's these wonderful pastors they're sometimes we get confused between God and church the most important thing in my life is God but that's my personal relationship with God that's not Church the second most important thing in my life is my wife the third is my children the fourth is in church an extended family in work comes all the way down here and like I said before a lot of times the things that are threatening our relationship aren't bad things they're good things out of priority children nothing is as important God in our marriage children but some people say they say well might remind you know there I live for my children that's good but listen your children are a temporary assignment they come and go listen I remember when they get put our kids in our hands and I remember when we gave them away at their weddings and they don't want you following around the rest of their life they want to be in relationship but listen when you give your your marriage up for your children how are your children gonna succeed in marriage if you don't show them how and the number one thing they need to see is you prioritizing your marriage I want to say something to blended families because I know probably half of you guys are blended families a lot of people watching are women families in an intact nuclear family you have a marriage and then children it doesn't mean there aren't challenges there because there are but you have a marriage and then you have children in a blended family have children in a marriage families don't build around children they build around of marriage marriage is the nucleus of that and I want to say if you're in a blended family the number one issue in succeeding as a blended family is making your marriage first and sometimes children are hurt there might have been a previous marriage there might be royalty to a biological parent and there may be animosity even hostility toward the non-biological parent or whatever which creates confused emotions and all of that I want to say this one more time if your children have been through a bad circumstance and they've seen a failed marriage the best thing you can do for your children is show them how to succeed in marriage and say them honey I love you there's nothing more important in my life than God and my husband and I love you too but my priority is the marriage and we're gonna have a strong marriage and we're gonna be united front and as a united front and as a couple we're going to parent you and I'm gonna talk more about this in just a minute about blended families but the marriage comes first I'll say this there may be misunderstanding but the parents need to be the parents there may be misunderstanding or difficulty or whatever your marriage has to come first and in a blended family it's not the exception you have to put your marriage at the core of the relationship and then the children relate around the marriage not the other way otherwise you become divided the number one law of marriage is the law of priority it only works in first place let me say this it's a challenge and some of you may be violating that law and in your spouse's complaint they feel jealous and they're complaining about your work they're complaining about the kids they're complaining about this or that not bad things just good things out of priority what your spouse needs to hear from you in real terms is I'll make any changes in my life I need to make but except for Jesus Christ you are the priority in my life it's not a principle that's for a few it's a law it's the only way that marriage works number two law of marriage is the law of pursuit a man shall cleave to his wife marriages work is you have to work at it it's something you know some people a lot of people have misconceptions about marriage when it says a man shall cleave unto his wife the word cleaved there means to pursue with all energy it means to cling on to it's an energetic word and so from the very beginning God told us marriages work you have to work at it you know when when you fall in love you work at the relationship when I was 16 years old I was carrying out we were 16 years old we went to elementary and junior high school together but we didn't know each other in high school we started dating when I invited her to a three dog night concert and 1969 or so I had a 1969 dynamic 88 Oz mobile that my mother erect and gave to me she she did that with all my brothers she wrecked the car and gave us the car that she wrecked and got herself a new one and I worked this Trevor dub car wash when I asked Karen out and I had hair down to here and you know it's kind of a hood and everything so I asked her out but when I asked her out I remember that I just knocked myself out before I picked her up I washed my car that day and I pulled up I always pulled up on the good side of the car when I pit it was months before she knew my car was wrecked because I always pulled up on the good side of the car and I just knock myself out to be mannerly you know those were the days that you drove well and you know I Drive just real carefully if we hit a little bump it's here you okay now five minutes later we hit a bar ditch I say toughen up sub griping you know it it's just the way that it is back then so I've just work work work but as soon as I knew that I had her I began to take her for granted and that's human nature we work until we get something secured then we take it for granted well that's why marriage doesn't work today we work at our marriage and our marriage is great as long as we work at it it's never it's never different than that it no one is the exception of this but a lot of people have misconceptions related to marriage and we have to get these misconceptions out of our mind the first is if I marry the right person the emotions will happen naturally and effortlessly throughout our marriage if I marry the right person the emotions will just always be there every morning I'm going to wake up and look at UNESCO hallelujah oh it's happening again now you're gonna open your eyes and smell or breath and you know see them in the harsh morning light and there's no such thing no what listen why this is so important because well there are a lot of people that believe there's something wrong if I have to work at it if I married my soul mate and this is the word that's being used a lot today soul mate I'm looking for my soul mate let me tell you something about your soul mate hey they're really messed up if you think your soul mate is this person that you see me just go like that well you may fall in love with them but they're still messed up let me say another thing about soul mates they're not born they're made the best marriages are not to perfect people who get together in chemistry stripes and they live happily ever after the best marriages are two very different people have a lot of incompatibility that roll up their sleeves and go through lots of trouble together but they stay together and work it out and they come out as best friends that's how marriage works the best marriages are people who have high goals in a high work ethic the worst marriages are people who have high goals and not a good work ethic that's proven in research and so if I marry the right person that motions will be there no they won't it'll be there to the degree that you work at it and even if you work it there'll be times the emotions are just aren't there the second is if my emotions change toward my spouse I must have married the wrong person no again emotions come and go I can't predict my emotions but the best love in the world is love by choices called agape love it's God's type of love I don't know what my emotions are gonna do tomorrow but I'm always in control of my will when I say I love Karen Devin's what I'm saying is this regardless of how I feel or what she does I've made a decision I will always be faithful to her and do my best to love her as Jesus would that's what I'm saying I've made a decision I can't depend on emotions the most beautiful people in the world the most talented people in the world you notice they fall in love they divorce they fall in love they divorce why because they think if I my feelings change I've got to change spouses there's something wrong with this know if your feelings changes work there's the grass is greener syndrome you know it's when the grass looks greener on the other side that's what the devil wants to do whether someone across the street or somebody at work or someone real or imagined you know the grass always looks greener on the other side there's two sayings that I like one is when the grass looks greener on the other side it's time to water your own yard and here's another good one when the grass looks the reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because you can't see the poop from here is everybody looks good from a distance you know but live with them for a while and then you'll see that it's not as good as you thought it was everybody looks good from a distance but when you have to live with that individual then you see all their issues up front let me say that's when you know my best friends are not the people who love me in the good times my best friends are the people who know all the dirt and still love me anyway right and those the kind of friends you want Karen and I have been together for a long time I think we've seen everything but maybe we haven't but I can tell you this we're still together and that's what love is it's not the emotion and we believe that we married the wrong person but we stuck it out and we know that God put us together number three misconception of love and romance positive events experiences and actions should fuel the relationships in our emotions long-term in other words if we take a trip to Hawaii or if we have a big Valentine's weekend or whatever that's going to last for a long time and that's not true marriage operates on the man of principle the children of Israel woke up every morning when they were in the wilderness and for 40 years every day manna was there and God said you can't accumulate it you can only pick up one day's worth except before the Sabbath you can pick up two days worth he said but you have to pick it up every day the first thing they did is the Israelites went out and took all they could and put it in their tents you know and what happened it says it read worms and stank they were trying to accumulate it and God says no I want you to learn to relate to me every day and trust me every day a relationship with Jesus is an everyday thing not an every month thing or an every year thing love is a perishable commodity yesterday's love is worthless it has to be renewed every single day it doesn't matter what your emotions were a year ago I'm telling I've been a Christian for 40 years and I'm gonna tell you right now if I go three or four days without praying and reading the Bible it changes I mean God doesn't change but it changes me I've got to have a daily relationship with God the love in the passion that I have for God it has to be something that's expressed daily not monthly not annually same is true with Karen marriage is a daily thing that we that we need to love each other every day now this meant men are the worst women kind of get that but men are the worst related this because men think in terms of points you know how many points do I have in the bank and how can I'm in trouble so how can I accumulate some big points in a hurry to get out of trouble and men in points so hear hear how men kind of think about points here the big points from end date that's that's good points flowers always a winner card jewelry jewelry is big big big big house work trip giving up a sporting event taking care of the kids going shopping with her the ultimate now is going to a girl movie where there's no killing and that's the ultimate like that you know you're in love when you're willing to do that I want to see the horse whisperer with Karen I just thought I was gonna die I really did but the some men say that the points point system yeah great okay here's what works so you take her on a trip you know you do something big for and you're thinking man that was big that costs a lot of money that's gonna last for a long time all points have a parade at midnight every night jewelry lasts maybe two to three days and it's they said that's the biggest of all and you're you're thinking man I am Don Juan I have you know I took her out on this big date I did this and this and this and boy do I have some big points to say wake up the next morning she's just kind of hanging over your bed they're saying hey good morning hello well honey good morning I mean what about our trip to Hawaii what get up get up you're just thinking my gosh I did all that yesterday that was yesterday what are you gonna do today it's in every day they don't accumulate it I'm just telling right now marriage isn't every day Bill it doesn't matter what you did yesterday what are you gonna do today every single day and again we have the tendency to want to accumulate points so that we can you know ride those for two or three months while we're out checked out doing something else marriage isn't every day thing and here's another misconception when we have no emotions or have fallen out of love there is no way to get the love back we all there is in Revelation chapter 3 god says to the church at Ephesus there's fallen out of love with him remember where you fell from repent and do the deeds you did it first when Karen I fell out of love the way we fell back in love was very simple we didn't have any emotions we didn't like each other we thought that we had made a mistake and we were both very scarred in our marriage but we begin to do what we did when we first fell in love we began to pursue each other I first of all told her I was sorry I hung up my golf clubs we made each other first we begin to be together and work at the relationship let me say this within several weeks we were more in love than we'd ever been before it didn't take forever if hear some people say they're out of love we understand we had no emotion in a relationship exciting it except for negative emotion several weeks later we were passionate about each other listen listen to me when you start violating the laws of marriage the devil always comes in to tell you that you made a mistake and the only answer is two divorced all that all you have to do is put each other first and start working on it and you'll get the love back let me go to the third law of marriage the third law of marriage is the law of possession and that means God created marriage to share everything he says they too shall become one flesh for this cause a man shall reprioritize his life and his parents now they're not gonna be first any longer and he's going to work hard to pursue his spouse and by the way that's addressed him in they're working hard to pursue your wife and they two shall become one flesh and what this means is we share everything in this marriage and this this is gonna sound like kind of a simplistic statement marriage is about sharing it doesn't matter if you have kids in common it doesn't matter if you share the same house it doesn't matter if you share a checkbook these share life marriage is about sharing and when the Bible uses the term for intimacy in marriage it says one here's what this means everything before you got married that you owned and administrated individually now you do it together with no exceptions it's our money it's our time it's our children even from a blended family and let me say this one of the most important things in blended families is giving your spouse ownership of the children and I'll say something else about that in just a minute they may not be the biological parent but they have to have full ownership anything that I will not give to you going into the relationship will create problems in our marriage in fact it creates jealousy just the way that I said before but here's the way that people violate the law of possession one is dominance some people and it's very common in most marriage marriages there's a dominant partner in most marriages but dominus destroys the passion in intimacy of marriage men and women are totally equals in every way Karen and I never discuss who the boss in our marriage is because Jesus Christ is the boss of our marriage and we were total equals but when we first got married I was dominant you can be dominant through the force of your personality you can be dominant through intimidation in other words you're gonna pay a price if you cross me you're gonna pay a price if you speak your mind you can be you can be dominant through manipulation but dominance is as common for men it is women and women is is men it's not a male issue or a female issue it's a gender-neutral issue but dominance simply means I'm not going to share it's mine basically it's mine and I'm going to control it yes my kids my money my house my schedule whatever it is and so but it's always destructive they've done Studies on dominance and it's always proven where you have dominance present in a relationship and to the degree that you have dominance present it lowers the satisfaction of the marriage because there's one spouse being dominate they're not an equal they're not sharing there they're being controlled basically another problem with the law possession is independence is that I'm just gonna do my own thing I counseled a couple one time and she said well he goes with that side of the house and I go this side of the house and she said I sit over here all night and he said so over there all night in his office gambling and she said that's our marriage right there in a nutshell and she had done everything she could to try to reach out to him and and I told him I just said you know marriage is about sharing and he he was independent and marriage is brutal on selfish people marriage is not about independence marriage is about interdependence if you want to be independent stay single but even if you're single you're not independent you need God we're dependent upon God independence and selfishness destroys a marriage interdependence I need you I didn't get married so I can live alone on that side of the house I got married so I could share my life with someone another problem with with the law of possession is protection and I'm gonna go back to the blended family issue just a minute I've counseled a lot of blended families where they get together and the there's children from a previous marriage maybe they didn't want the marriage maybe they don't trust the spouse or whatever I counseled one couple in particular he had no authority over the kids and it's typically better especially when the family is new when the marriage is new if the biological parent does the discipline that's typically better it just makes sense that if you know they're my biological children I'll do the discipline but the non-biological parent has to have full authority to discipline if necessary and to protect themselves and some people say lists you know they've been through a hard time and I just don't want to do that in fact one is one woman said to me I don't trust him with the kids and I said in other words you trusted him with your life to marry him but you don't trust him with your children and what happened was he was in the homeland he was a fair target these kids these kids were coming after him every day with actions and words that was ruining the quality of his life and he said I can't take it anymore and I turned to her and I said listen he's got to have ownership of your children and she said I won't I won't there are no exceptions to this and this is a this is an interesting scripture this is 1st Corinthians 7 it says let the husband render to his wife the affection due her and likewise also the wife to her husband the wife does not have authority over her own body but the husband does likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body but the wife does this is so profound that the Apostle Paul in 1st Corinthians 7 is saying when you get married you actually give authority sexually of your body over to your spouse this is not a license for abuse this is just a license for use and what this ensures is the fact that I'm not going to use my body against you or as a weapon or as a bargaining chip this is not my body this is your body to take care of your needs and that is the spirit of marriage the way God designed it they two shall become one flesh and protection I'm not going to protect the kids from you I'm not gonna protect the money from you we're partners we're gonna make all of our decisions together you establish the law possession your marriage by asking your spouse's input on every decision and never making a decision without your spouse and never making your spouse pay a price for telling you the truth the spirit of a good marriage is we're partners here we may be different we may have different money languages we may have different needs we may have different perspectives but that just makes us better that just makes us stronger I'm not gonna make a decision without your input and our relationship is more important than the issues we share everything it's the word my destroys marriages it's our it's our children it's our schedule it's our home it's our money prenuptial agreements are a death sentence to a relationship a prenuptial agreement basically just says I'm not gonna give you this this is I don't trust you with this and if we divorce I don't want to lose the aquarium in my Volkswagen and the aquarium and the volkswagen then become this despised object in the home that your spouse knows they love that more than they love me he said what if we get a divorce it's gonna hurt really bad you're gonna lose a lot so you better worked your marriage listen is it any surprise that things end badly when you've planned the end from the beginning when you get married we say these words till death do us part we're gonna work hard at our relationship and we're gonna learn about marriage because this is till death do us part we're gonna be happy or we're gonna be two old miserable people but we're not getting out of this thing we're gonna stay committed to it there's one of the law of marry just a lot of purity it says the man and his wife were both naked and unashamed this is before the fall this is before sin entered the Garden of Eden isn't it wonderful that got by the way the word Eden means pleasure and delight God God created marriage in a place that means pleasure and delight and he he created Adam and Eve naked isn't that phenomenal and they're just great they were naked I mean you think about how God created marriage it was great and and so they were naked until the fall and you remember after the fall the first thing happened is they put on fig leaves and they begin to hide from each other Nelson they put the fig leaves on their genitals which are the areas where you're different in your most sensitive those the most sensitive areas of your body what's the point when you're living your marriage impurity you can expose your differences and you can talk about all the sensitive areas of your marriage without a problem but when you have sin in your marriage and your sinning against each other you cannot trust each other and you have to hide your differences in your sensitivities when Karen I got married I was verbally abusive in domina and I didn't know my wife I didn't know I didn't know my wife but you know I had so heard her to the things that I had said that she was covered with fig leaves I mean literally she she wouldn't tell me about the sensitive areas of her life because you know when I got mad I would take advantage of it and I was just insensitive when I repented in living in purity the law of purity just simply means this I have to be careful about what I do because everything I do affects you and when I meant when I make a mistake I have to take responsibility for it those are two things I didn't do I wasn't careful and I never said I was sorry and I didn't know my wife we didn't have any mercy we had said she was good about meeting my sexual needs but we didn't have an animal intimacy in sex because we didn't know each other we didn't talk on any deep level I went to Karen and I asked her for her forgiveness when I hung my golf clubs up and when the Lord began to change my heart I asked for her forgiveness and she forgave me and she said Jimmy really wounded me with your mouth and I said I understand that Karen I said I'm sorry and I asked you for you forget man so the fig-leaf started coming off her and she began it didn't happen overnight but you know after several weeks in several months I noticed that she began to tell me things I didn't know and one day she was talking to me she told me something I said well how long has that been going on she said well years and I said well why didn't you tell me that before and she said I couldn't trust you but today the sister is naked and life is good I'm real good but you know you can live in the same house but I'm not if you got a mouth on you if you hurt my feelings and you're disrespectful to me and you're sarcastic and you're critical and you won't take responsibility for it you think my heart is a Holy of Holies it's a sensitive place in all of us or all of us are more sensitive than we would want to admit I cannot trust my heart of hearts to somebody who won't take responsibility for their behavior when you're careful in the way that you treat each other and when you take responsibility for your mistakes the fig leaves come off and when it says the man and his wife were both naked and unashamed it meant mentally emotionally spiritually and physically they could talk about anything without shame no shame I'm not I'm not afraid in any way that you will reproach me because I trust you you're my safe place you're my safe place so your spouse we should be each other's safe place where I will be careful and if I do something wrong I'll take responsibility for it but remember blame transfer was the original sin of marriage God came to Adam and said Adam what is this that you've done he said it's her fault beep what is this thing you've done devil made me do it I honestly believe if they would have taken responsibility for their issues that God would have had a different response to them you

Michael Martin

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