The BEST relationship advice EVER – Jordan Peterson



you're having an argument with your partner and you say you're a stupid person and you've always been a stupid person I can tell as far into the future as I can see you're going to remain a stupid person so what are they supposed to do what are they going to do when you say that they're going to cry like if you mean it they're going to get angry if you mean it and then over like you very much and why is that well it's like it's it's a salt basically the only way really the only thing that you can do in a situation like that is walk away ignore it respond in kind or it degenerates into violence that's it because there's no discussion you haven't left the person anywhere to go you've gone right to the top of their higher work and said everything about you is wrong and worse than that all the mechanisms that we could use to correct it won't work so those are fighting words so don't do that unless you want to have a fight so then you might say well what would you do instead and the answer is deliver the least amount of information you possibly can and so let's say you come home and your person is watching TV and you're kind of hoping they'd greet you at the door you can't you shouldn't break down into tears and say you're a stupid person you've always been a stupid person if your could be a stupid person in the future you should say I have this peculiarities and that is that when I come home I don't have enough confidence to just be happy I would like you to come and say just shut the TV off for two minutes come to the front door and say hello then you can go back and watch your TV would it be okay if you did that and they'll think well you'll have to pay for it somehow but then they'll they'll probably do it and so but the thing is is you going to specify the routine that you want transformed at the highest possible level of resolution and you want to you want to recommend the minimal necessary change that will satisfy you so you can't say if you love me you'd know how to greet me at the door how not helpful because they're stupid right and so are you so you have to spell it out it's like what do you want exactly what would make you satisfied and then you have to have your person like grudgingly practice that a few and you have to let them do it very badly and also in a bad temper and then you have to reward them for it and then maybe three months later they'll do it properly so you need to know that because that's what people are like it's very hard for them to learn new things and they're very resistant to it but they're very responsive to reward so another thing this is partly what BF Skinner figured out so when he was trading rats and he wanted rap to do something one of the things he would do is he put maybe he was going to train the rat to climb up a little louder and he I mean he could get rats to climb ladders and then climb across like the little monkey bars and then spin around three times and then you know whack a ball and then eat something like he got incredibly complex behavior out of rats and the way he did that was patience so he put the ladder in the cage and the rat would just run around doing rat things and then it would put its hand on the on the first rung and Skinner would give it a pellet and so he did you know after even once the rats going to be like stand in the immediate vicinity of the ladder and then it the frequency with which it's going to go like this it's just increase so then it does it again bang pellet well soon the rats just going like this right so then you wait until the rat tries the other hand so you give it a pellet then well then it's going like this and then because it's going to get bored it'll go like this it'll hit the next stair bang you give it a pellet soon the routes climbing and doing all the little things you want it to do now the problem with that is you have to be patient you have to wait till the rat does what you want okay that's more relationship advice wait till robot does what you want and then reward it and it's unbelievably useful like it's also extraordinarily positive I mean I'm being you know comical it's insofar as I can manage that about the situation but people love reward and they love attention people love attention more than anything else and so if you're what will you watch through the day and when your partner does something that's good say man that was good or something like that you can be inventive and then they'll do it more and if you do that a whole bunch like for a year they'll be doing things that are good for you just all the time but you have to be patient which is very annoying and you have to suppress your response to only respond to negative things you know because what we know about the expectancy models is that a deviation from expectation produces a burst of negative emotions you know so you come home and the whole house is clean but there's like I don't know the dog has shed on the rug or something and the person overlooked that it's like you're not going to see the clean house you're going to see that rug with the dog fur on it gonna say why didn't you clean up the rug with the dog fur and they're going to say good luck getting me to clean up the house again and you know because the thing is is the exception stands out and what's done doesn't and the reason for that is you can just ignore what stuff because it's done it doesn't get in your way so it gets invisible really quickly so you really got to watch that tendency one of the things Nietzsche said was that if you really want to punish someone you don't punish them when they do something wrong because they expect that that's not a punishment they expect that they might even be relieved by it you want to punish them when they do something right because then you'll really hurt them and so that's something to think about in your if you're in a relationship man if someone's done something right do not punish them you do that two or three times that's it and you're not going to get them to do that anymore so judicious nests what they're doing if something happens that good that's good notice it and you know if they've done a bunch of things don't concentrate on the things they did wrong that's not smart it's really hard on them to like it this in some sense this sounds manipulative and selfish you know because I'm teaching you how to train your partner but yeah but you should also teach them how to train you because it would be really nice if you could come home and the person would say well what did you do today and you say you know here's a bunch of things I did and they said use they say well this looks really good and that was great why don't you do some more of that and you're like oh boy it was and so you know you can train them to train you properly and that's a really helpful thing especially if you do it over a few years you know you can that's how you have a good relationship because you're both clueless as hell to begin with you don't know even what would make you happy much less what would make the other person happy and so you got to figure these things out bit by bit and then you have to inform each other and then you have to be patient enough to let your partner do these things really badly I'll give you another example sometimes sometimes I I see couples sporadically in my in my clinical practice I'm not a couple's counselor and so but sometimes when I'm working with someone there's an issue that needs to be discussed with with both people because otherwise it's just stupid and one of the things I often recommend to people especially once they have kids is that they set aside to use it in that Rinna stick phrase date date nights well everyone hates that idea it's like they say well you know they'll just say that's I'm not doing that that would be one objection we're just not doing that you know that's what we did before we got married they'll say well my partner would never go for that they've got a bunch of excuses why that isn't going to work and so I've heard all those excuses I know all of them and then maybe I convinced them yeah yeah sure I know this is stupid it's awkward it's it's it's artificial that's okay just try it once so then they go and try it and then they come back and they say we had an absolutely miserable time really we had a miserable time we couldn't agree on what movie to go to and then you know she took me to her movie and I really didn't like it so we fought all the way home we're never doing that again and I say well really you've got 30 years 400 days that's 12,000 days okay so you're not going to do that you're going to spend the next 12,000 days without having any real romantic evenings and interactions with your spouse that's your plan and I like doing I like doing arithmetic with my clients hey hey hey terrific well no that sounds like a bad idea said okay well would you like some romance in your life are you just done with that well really like you know people can go for a long time with no romance at all say well no maybe we'd like some of that well how much once a year well know once a month well know once every two weeks well sometimes people are really busy it's like okay that beats the hell out of zero once a week twice a week okay whatever we're gonna we're going to start with a range okay what would a good evening look like like if you could both get exactly what you wanted what would it look like well then they have to think about that because the the previous theory was my stupid partner should know what I like and that's what their partner is thinking too it's like good luck with that because know they don't have a clue especially if they're men they don't have a clue so you have to tell them what you want and how they could deliver it and vice versa which is very awkward and horrible and then you have to practice it for six months because you know it takes a lot of practice to do something sophisticated really well and then if you do that it's like poof you got it for the rest of your life so it's worth the aggravation you know and the first time the rat puts its paw on the ladder it's just sort of doing it accidentally you can't expect it to do it well and that's exactly how to view your own progress in the progress of your partner's like let them do it badly for a while at least they're doing it so and if you think they should do it faster well I look real hard and see how easy it is to change your own behavior because it's really hard to change your own behavior everybody says I'm going to exercise three times a week new years it's like no one does they buy the memberships and then they feel guilty for having them but they don't actually go to the gym and that's a perfect example of how difficult it is to transform behavior

Michael Martin

26 Responses

  1. the problem is when you ask someone and “train” them to perform the behavior you want, it isn’t genuine and it’s manufactured. For instance, my boyfriend has never complimented me physically or about anything else. I’ve mentioned it to him and now he’ll occasionally do it, but it doesn’t feel authentic. He’s only saying it bc I’ve asked him to. so I can teach him this behavior, but some things some be natural bc that’s just the kind of person they are

  2. I know exactly what we should ignore and not confront but it is very difficult because it can't speak or react is very tiring and it has to have lots of patience so I end up talking about everything that bothers me and then I turn away. Because I lived 13 years with somebody, and I acted in this way and constantly worked but I created several physical problems anxiety disorders because I had to drown out what I wanted to talk

  3. Wow wow i disagree so much..thats not trues, that shouldnt happen. If i do something wrong, and my gf says that in stupid, ill just admit it, whats that wrong in admiting the guilt?? Just say”im sorry and wont happen again” . As long as i try to be “perfect” for my girlfriend, im expecting the same from her thats simple

  4. These comments. It’s amazing to me. Such a vibrant community of survivors of narcissistic abuse, and for everything that we learned, all the world still loves a narcissist. He says some things that are offensive and he says some things that make good sense, but stop fawning, seriously. What’s with the weird cult around this guy?

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