Six Levels of Marriage Communication – Gary Smalley



communication is the key to connecting in a satisfying marriage now I get the privilege of sharing six levels of communication that you can use every day in fact think about this wouldn't it be wonderful if your mate not only helped you but wanted you to win every argument you have oh well this fourth promise helps both of you feel like winners after every disagreement so let's dive in this particular session is the promise actually the fourth promise but it actually is promising your mate that you will communicate with them daily in a loving way so it's communication is actually the essence of a relationship because for example women cannot connect in a marriage without talk that's how they communicate that's how they connect is through talking words and so have you ever noticed that a lot of women use a lot more words than the average man very normal all over the world every country I mean it's the same and so but thank God because they are part of the keys to making the relationship even more meaningful because they're always hungry for it and they they need the interaction with words well I get the privilege of sharing with you that there are actually six levels of communication six levels that you can use every day and the first two levels are really not that satisfying and unfortunately a lot of couples spend too much time on the first two levels because they're kind of there all by themselves kind of safe but you've got to communicate on the deeper levels you've got to go all the way the end of the sixth and and I'll show you that when you get to three and use three in such a uniquely powerful way then three is really the key that opens up the door for you to go deeper into four or five and six and that's where you really get the satisfaction in marriage so that's where it really happens but you're going to get there I'm going to give you six ways to communicate but but what I want to do is take you through one story that happened to my wife and I that shows you how you can go into all six just a normal stuff that happens in your life okay I was we the last house we had actually was a like a logy looking house it was one big room in kitchen in the dining room in the living we're all one with no walls or anything so in the high ceiling and so you know there are little deer heads on the wall and and the old antique you know snowshoes and old you know Flint rifles and stuff you know he went into you felt a little bit like you're in a lunch and we love that the floor and the rugs and the chandelier was a you know elk you know horns and stuff so antlers so anyway I loved it so I casually first level of communication small talk that's number one I casually mentioned to my wife I think this room needs a moose head and and she said I I again she wasn't paying attention and her small talk was yeah yeah yeah and mine was it needs a moose head we never thought about okay and so then another time I was in somebody's home or in some place and saw the moose head on the wall that guy's I know we need that so I shared a fact number two is sharing facts I think we need a moose head it is the fact you know she I don't know about a moose head you know but we just went on everybody got deep in it okay now listen to how most a lot of people do in their relationship they stay on those two levels they smoke they talk small talk you know just everyday how's your day fine it doesn't really meaning fine and you know you happy yeah yeah pretty good you know you know what do you expect you know that you know just small talk okay fax how'd you do today what happened the kids you know how much buns you spend your just fax read this the paper I saw this on TV whatever writer well those aren't very satisfying levels one and two they don't do it and unfortunately as I mentioned a lot of couples spend way too much time there and the reason couples avoid the third one because the third level is when you share your opinions let me ask you a question how many of you married somebody that has their own opinion about most things okay okay I mean I did obviously I don't know if anything I have an opinion about my wife doesn't have the exact opposite which is just amazing mean which is irritating which helps me grow spiritually say so again God did a good thing putting us together so anyway the third area is risky and so when you enter into this level third level there's the potent of conflict but let me ask you a question again for both of you how would you love to be married just imagine this being married to a person who knows they're going to disagree with you on various subjects and areas but they not only want to help you win every argument but they actually get excited and wants you to win every argument that they have you have with them now picture that they want you to win every argument you have with them how many would say oh I'd be great I'd love that okay your hands good alright that's pretty obvious in it that's exactly what this session gives you you talk about increasing the level of security for me as the husband because I used to hate to disagree with my wife because immediately I go oh we're gonna get to this hairy argument and she's probably gonna win so she'll cry you know I know okay let's do a cheer way but I would feel like loser and I didn't get my way and I thought oh now that doesn't have anymore I actually helped my wife when every argument we have and she equally helps me win every argument I have so I'm going to show you how this works so back to the moose head I am in Springfield Missouri one time where Bass Pro Shops started their first place okay now I saw something that I've never seen before I've never seen it since I'll ask you if you've ever seen it they had a sale on moose heads anybody ever seen a sale on was it no one ever anywhere in the world you're not going to see something they had it and so I went oh I want to move said who's the sale 130 original wife you got to buy something it's you know that far off on a sale so I got it you know they even let me pick up the antler and the taxidermist were there and they put the the antlers on a huge antlers on this huge moose head it was so heavy that several had to carry it out to my pickup and put it in we roped it all down I drove back to my home in Branson Missouri I am so excited call some of my friends on the cell phone I said hey meet me my house I'm have a surprise for my wife okay and so okay so we get there I take the little deer atlas of this I took the little deer head off of the entryway fireplace and where I really wanted it was in in deeper into the living room and but it wouldn't fit there because the antlers were too big and so I couldn't get a place that was too low and so I had to look for another place an entryway fireplace okay and so we drilled a big old hole you know in the stone I put a big metal pipe thing in it and it was secure you know glued it and got it in there we all four of us all lifted it up on the top of this thing we all step back as men we went whoa we made male grunts and noises I ruined five okay so now I waited patiently for my wife to come home she pulled in always does this fold in the garage came into the door into the kitchen so I heard her coming and I said hon close your eyes I have a surprise for you close your eyes I take her by the hand around to the entryway of her home okay and I say open your eyes as he goes you see screams Thunder he screams I said hey do you love this or what she says I hate this would you get this I said I got it on sale today some wonderful as it this is a great Jesus I hate this he said get this down now I said what do you mean get it down now I can't even get it down but it's great this makes it look like a lodge now she says if you don't get this down your head is going up there and I said Oh tell me how you really feel about this okay I said well honey I can't get it down it's going to grow and she says trust me it will never grow on me you know what this room is this is early American Victorian decoration in this room this area this isn't fifth as a monster I'd be embarrassed that my friends game over I said what do you mean you'd be embarrassed I'd be proud of my friends day one here so we have a disagreement here this is the third level of communication now listen to how important this is the third level is the doorway to deeper intimacy it's the doorway to more satisfaction in your marriage so if you're living with somebody who never disagrees with you then you're being cheated said I mean and so because what happens is that you have in order to solve this kind of a disagreement which we all have how many of just raise your how many of you disagreed about something last month least once okay I could have said today but you know last month okay all right today see on the way here and so anyway during this time right that's very normal my wife and I do that all the time okay so I see it as normal I believe it's normal I know that that I want to live with my wife in harmony in oneness like Paul said in Philippians 1 verse 26 he wants to find us in harmony walking together hand in hand so here's the key Ephesians chapter 5 is the famous marriage chapter but most people don't quote the verses before why you submit yourself to your husband you know that's pretty popular a lot of churches around the world wives submit yourself into all things under your husband as you do unto Christ I like that first for a long time okay I thought that's normal I liked it loved Christianity teaches stuff like this the only problem is that isn't what it teaches it says prior to that verse don't be drunk with wine but be filled with the Holy Spirit so that you wives can submit yourself to your husband as unto the Lord so that you husbands can lay down your life die for your wife as Christ in the church and then eventually it says you're going to be joined together to the two of you can be one you know what the word one means in the original language blended together weave together watch how this works you can never quote with your finger the verse that says woman the Bible says to submit to me when I say something because that's what it says it says right in front of that submit one to another out of reverence for Christ then it says wives submit to your husband but then it says husband's die for your wife she's clapping the women are clapping ok now ok let's suppose you're gonna have ham and eggs for breakfast who makes the greater sacrifice if a woman is the chicken and a man is the swine ok I don't mean anything by that ok all right but who's making the greater sacrifice the pig exactly and so a woman just lays an egg every day Smitty but the man dies gives up his life for her now does a dead man need dinner at all or on time what does he need in the evening because you're it's really Galatians 2:20 you're crucified with Christ nevertheless you keep living but you don't just keep living physically you live to do the will of God in Christ Jesus you live for him and so he that he says the greatest thing you and I can do is to serve one another so we're really submitting to each other but we don't do it in our own strength be filled with the holy spirit so this is an example of what marriage really is because marriage is very very valuable it's created by God wants us that way you want this in harmony he wants us to be one blended together okay watch how this works when you're single this is the man this is the woman when you're single you can do what you want basically and you can go where you want whatever you want to do so it's like that but when you're married you're joined together the way you find out that you're joined together is to disagree with one another that's the first time you wake up that you're married okay now if you say I have to have my way on this you're not married anymore because you said with your Val I'm marrying you until death separates us and I love you which means I serve you which means I'm submitting to you is really what those words mean I didn't look them up in fact before I got married we used the candle like a lot of people do now when I marry someone I use different color candles their favorite candle in the middle is a is a is a blending of the two colors of the candles that's what marriage is blending weaving together so Moosehead I'm going to go back to the Moosehead because I want to show you that I do three things with my wife to help her win every argument she does the three same things to me to help me win every argument and when you put this into place and say something like this it is unacceptable to me as a husband to have an argument with you and we and we finish you don't feel like you've won it's unacceptable to me and when my wife says it's unacceptable for to her and when we're having a big disagreement if I don't feel like a winner with the solution it's not acceptable to her is that security or what I totally relax with a disagreement I don't care how big it is and instantly I've been praying for years with something that we've disagreed on for years I have it today in a form differently than what we had what I had originally thought but I have it and she has blessed me with it but we did discuss it for a lot of years so not everything is a week or two or several days or a few minutes but some of them are but not everything but I'm willing to wait because she's more important to me than what I'm trying to get and of course God's more important to me then you know anything else so here's what happens here's what we did you can choose whether you want the husband start first or the husband to start further the wife stuff first so let's say the wife's women first okay so all I'm gonna do is going to the fourth fifth and sixth levels of communication which are all the most meaningful satisfied okay so the fourth one is what are your feelings about the moose head just tell me what they are she began to tell me I feel embarrassed I feel you know this you've wrecked the whole you know thing here you know what it was supposed to be it's just everything is ruined I feel undone you know she said a whole bunch of things I repeated all the feelings I was only looking for one thing understanding and so too is I strive to be I strive to understand and then after she's run out of water in that area you know all all three of them the needs the feelings the needs and the beliefs I just listen to all of coz when she runs out of them I say do you think I understand what your feelings needs and beliefs are and she'll say yes then you're released and then it's your turn she will ask you what are you what do you believe what do you feel what do you need and I shared I need something in here to make this really look like a lodge and so I was thrilled that we have the musak and so and so we talked about a home which I got it on sale I love that you know I saved money and so a whole bunch of things I said my feelings my needs my beliefs and so she was listening to me so each thing I said she was listening to me so notice what's happening to the water what color is it now green what do you get when you mix yellow and blue you get green so marriage is the blend of both of who we are and so what I know going into all disagreements is my wife I'm telling you she's such a strong person instantaneously I'll just be saying something and she's got that person oh she was to go intense instantly and so she go whew I just move that and June we're intense and I go whoa I was just shooting the breeze here I wasn't yeah this was this was small talk you know I whoa you went right to the six you know and and so I'm not quite that's deep and serious you know but I'll go there but I don't maybe do it right then I'll say hey I guess he we disagree on this it's important to me it's important to you why don't we schedule the time dinner tomorrow tonight whatever and talk about it later and we should always degrees because she knows within just a day or so she and I will be talking about this sharing the fourth fifth the six levels of communication ladies and gentlemen that keeps us in harmony with each other

Michael Martin

7 Responses

  1. your message was a GREAT message to teach ome entertained as well plus the way you delievered the message kept me enterained 2 thumb up

  2. There are several factors in how to improve your marriage life . One plan I discovered which successfully combines these is the Secret Fixer Blueprint (google it if you're interested) without a doubt the most incredible plan i've seen. look at all the extraordinary information .

  3. Does anyone know the reference to his "harmony" Scripture? Obviously the Phil 1:26 is not it. Very good and humorous talk, really enjoyed it.

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