– ♪ Hello ♪♪ You don’t know me ♪– High school’s
like a good selfie.Sure, you can do it
on your own,but if you really want
to crush it,you have to surround yourself
with your best friends.These are mine.Imogen–
we’re next-door neighbors,and this is her first year
of public school.She’s adjusting.Courtney,
my brother’s girlfriend–she shouldn’t even be here.She graduated last year,
but can’t seem to stay away.Dakota–
his advice is top-notch,and he’s the gayest
straight shooter at Brayer.And Andie–me,just trying
to land a boyfriend.before I graduate.This is my foursome…the nonsexual kind.[pop music]♪ ♪– [retching] – [gasps]
Ew. – Oh. Aah! – Alec? God, you’re like
an abstinence umbrella – Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean
to scare you, little sis. – [groans] – Okay, the only thing
that scares me is your hyper-focus
on my relationship status. – I swear to God, if it even
reads “it’s complicated”– – Babe!
– Hey, babe. – Mm, mm!
– Ew.[dreamy rock music]♪ ♪– Hey!
Little sis! – Stop.
Courtney, we’re not related. – Andie, I’ve been dating
your brother, like, forever, and I’ve known you
since braces. We’re basically blood twins. – I don’t even know
what that means. – Andie, the top looks a little,
uh, low-cut, don’t you think? Looks like
you’re asking for it. – I am asking for it, Alec. – What? – Babe, she looks
adorable, okay? Just leave her alone. – No, Alec,
what are you doing? Stop.
– All the staple removers– – Alec.
– [exhales sharply] – It’s because he cares.
[giggles] [smooches] – It’s a good look,
kiddo. [camera shutter clicks]
– [sighs][bell rings]
[sighs] “Kiddo”? – Got it.
Camel toe epidemic– are high-waisted pants
really to blame? What do you think? Think this’ll be
a good segment for our show? – W-w-wait. I know I’ve only
been in school for one month, but there’s already
an epidemic? Okay, okay, okay, where do
I find the camel toe pamphlets? In the Nurse’s.
I will go get one. – Take it easy, Homeschooled. Camel toes
aren’t contagious… although your pants
would beg to differ. Well, I am totally
[indistinct chatter] Guys, guys. Alec has made it, like,
completely impossible for me to get any play
until I graduate. You know
what was happening to me when I was walking
down the hallway today? I was giving DSEs to, like,
every single guy I saw– – District state elections. both: No.
– No, Google it, Homeschooled. – It’s like Alec thinks it’s
his responsibility to protect me ever since our dad left,
which, unfortunately for me, means invoking
the Bro Code– you know, like, bros before hos,
except I’ll never be a ho because of my bro,
and I’m gonna die a virgin. – Actually, my mom says
that hoes are also garden tools. So, if somebody ever calls
you that, you can be like, “Oh, well, thank you for
appreciating my green thumb.” – Andie, I’m sorry.
I really can’t with this one. I really can’t.
– Dakota, Dakota. – I can’t. I can’t.
– Dakota… Imogen is one of us now. She’s one
of my oldest friends, and I promised her mom
I’d look out for her. Back to the real issue.
I’m sister-zoned. And did I even mention
that Alec totally embarrassed me
in front of Josh today? – Honey, how many times are
we gonna have this discussion? All right, Josh is a Furby
in an arcade claw machine. You have to get through some
of those wack, disgusting, irrelevant stuffed animals
before you can get that Furby. – Yes, and, plus,
he’s Alec’s best friend. I mean, how would you feel
if somebody tried to date me? – Imogen,
it’s not the same thing. – I’m dateabl–
– No. No, not the same thing. Andie, look… All right, so Josh and Alec
aren’t really the problem. The problem is you. I mean, you go full lemon face
around the male species. – It’s not my fault. Josh is the only guy
that Alec lets me talk to, and I can barely form
a sentence around him. He’s just so cute, and he’s different
than Alec’s other friends. Josh is just so– – Josh is what? – Giving me a ride home
from–from band camp, from band camp, yeah. both: Band camp.
– Yeah. – You don’t play
an instrument. – I know. That’s why
I need band camp. – Cool. – By the way,
doesn’t “going to college” mean you occasionally
have to attend class? – Actually, that’s the opposite
of what being in college means. Besides, you guys,
we’re a foursome. If I was always in class, we
wouldn’t be a foursome anymore. We’d be, like, a threesome
and a “onesome.” – Hey, hey, Courtney,
yeah, we were a foursome, but, you know,
people get older. You know, things change, and, you know, older people
go away to college. – No, no, older people maintain
their friendships ’cause it helps
with longevity. – No, we’re talking
about how your boyfriend is making it impossible
for Andie to land a date. – Don’t blame Alec, okay? If Andie wants to cruise, she needs to become
forbidden fruit… you know, like, a star fruit
or a kiwi or a jackfruit. – Like Adam and Eve. – Lightbulb! Andie, we will get a college guy
to come to Brayer and pretend to be
your boyfriend. And then, bam, all the boys
at Brayer are now noticing you as someone else’s property. Come on, let’s see
what we’re working with here. Okay, we definitely need
to show some more ta-tas! – No, no.
– Put those babies up! – Oh, uh, I’m sorry. I would say I should’ve knocked,
but this is my classroom. Andie, what gives? I gave you the keys to the media
room for “Cup O’Brayer.” Did I make a mistake?
– No, Mr. Shaw. We were just editing
a segment– – ♪ La la la la
la la la ♪ I don’t need to hear
the details, all right? What I do need is for y’all
not to ditch class and then come in
and hang out in here, because it comes
back to me. – Uh, Steve?
– Dakota… I’ve asked you repeatedly.
Don’t call me Steve. – [softly]
Uh, Courtney. – Courtney, come on,
you know the drill. – But, Mr. Shaw,
these are my friends. – If you don’t go to school
here, you can’t hang out here. – Mm-hmm.
You know who else hangs around
schools they don’t attend? Pedophiles.
[laughs][upbeat music]– Hey, what’s up?
– Hey. – I texted you at noon
and never heard back. I know, baby.
I was in school. – [chuckles]
both: Duh. It’s just–
you posted this pic of you and two freshmen
butter faces. – Oh, right.
Right, right, right, yeah. Um, Mrs. Patel
was totally on my nuts. She took my phone. – That is so annoying. – Yeah, it’s annoying.
[both chuckle] – I just want to make sure
I’m getting this right. Mrs. Patel posted your pic, and Mrs. Patel captioned it
“me and my main hos”? – You know, Court,
I only have ten minutes before practice, baby, and I chose to spend
this time with you. You know,
I want to make it special. – I know, babe. It’s just–
I feel like I’m telling you something,
and you’re not really listening to what I’m saying.
– You know what, Courtney? Did you IUD release
an extra dose of estrogen? Because
you’re being crazy! That happened twice,
and you promised you wouldn’t
bring it up again. – I can’t deal with this
right now, Court. I got to go to practice.
I cannot deal with this. – You don’t get to pick
when we’re done talking, babe. I have more to say.
I love you, babe! It’s cool, everybody.
We’re cool. [scoffs]
– Hey. – Hey, Andie.
– Hey, unlock it. – Just don’t–
Okay, just don’t– just don’t press the door
when I’m doing it. Just stop–If you just
don’t pull the door– Just one second.
Take your hand off the knob. [lock clicks]
Okay, cool. God, your brother is being
such a chode. I’m busy. I don’t have to spend
all my time at Brayer, you know, but–but men have needs. I’m basically his genie. I made an exception
for your brother, because I developed,
like, hella early, and I cougared it for him
because I thought he could be– – Hey, Courtney, sorry, sorry,
but are you taking me home now? – No. Remember?
Fake boyfriend. – No, no, no, no.
– Courtney, I don’t want to– – This is both important
and fun. [engine turning over] It’s on
like “Donkey Kong.”[upbeat music]– Are you sure
they’re gonna show? – Stop fidgeting.
They’re Beta Delta Psi pledges. Of course they’re gonna show.
They totally owe me. – Why?
– [chuckles] Let’s just say
they don’t let virgins rush.[ominous music]Pledges, good evening. Thank you all so much
for being here with us tonight. all:
Hello, Courtney. – Our big brothers told us if we
didn’t come, we’d get paddled. – That’s true. Gentlemen,
it has been an incredible two minutes
here in my dorm room. But I only have one rose
to hand out. After this, all but one of you
will be going home. I wish you all the best. And without further ado,
here’s Andie. – I’m here today to–
– Louder, Andie! – I’m here today to pick one
of you to be my fake boyfriend! – Uh, even though we’re playing
your fake boyfriend, you’re gonna [bleep] us
for real, right? – Bachelor Number Three… – Blondes. – As my fake boyfriend, you’ll be kissing me
on the mouth. I mean–I mean,
we’ll have a kiss, share–share a kiss. – [clears throat]
Bachelor Number Two… what do you do to prep
before a kiss? – I like to fluff my stuff, so that when I lean
up against you, you can really feel
what I’m packing. – Oh, that’s thoughtful. – Do you even go here? – No, I’m a townie, but I can get
you guys beer. – Bachelor Number Two, get! – Okay, I’m going.
Jeez. – Courtney,
who are these guys? Does everyone act like this?
Because I am not ready for this. – You need to ask them
something sexy. – Okay, uh, sexy.
Okay. Boxers or briefs? – Boxers. – Briefs.
– Commando. – Oh, my God, okay. – Will the three bachelors
who just dropped their pants please get out of here?[sentimental music]And now
for the final rose… Andie, when you’re ready,
select your suitor. – It’s, uh, pretty much just me,
so makes it easy. – Yeah, so,
Bachelor Number One, Eric, before you accept this rose, we’re gonna be kissing
in front of a lot of people, so I need to know
I can trust you. [thuds] – Okay, I will see you
tomorrow, girlfriend.[upbeat rock music][indistinct chatter]♪ ♪– Andie, I cannot believe you’re
gonna kiss a complete stranger. I mean, what about cold sores?
What if Alec sees him kiss you? Oh, my God,
he’s gonna kill him. – Thanks for
your concern, Imogen, but Courtney promised this would
get me out of the sister-zone. So, if you could please
stop talking about mouth herpes and homicide,
I’d really appreciate it. – Who’s that? – So mature. – I wouldn’t kick him out of bed
for eating biscuits.[triumphant music]– This is my girlfriend.♪ ♪[all gasp]♪ ♪[all gasp]
– Whoa. I can’t believe
that actually worked. – Aah!
– Alec! – Get off Alec’s sister!
– She’s just a kid, you perv! – Oh, my God.
Alec, get off of him! [all murmuring] – This was not worth it! – Hey! That’s my sister
you’re talking about![school bell rings]– What’s going on? – Just my brother
ruining my life. – Mm.
Yeah, I saw. Here’s a helpful hint. Maybe don’t make out
with guys at school. I’m just joking, kiddo. – I am seriously
in a worse situation now than when we started. Now every guy will know
what will happen to them if come near me,
and that was just for a kiss. Imagine second base. – Ugh.
– I try not to. I saw my mom get
a mammogram once, and it basically scarred me
for life. – Okay.
Guys, be honest. I’m not totally
unfortunate-looking, right? I mean, I have highlights, and I think I look
pretty good in jeans, and I’m a classy amount
of easy and– – Andie… I think I have something
that’s gonna help. – Uh, phone number
or credit card. [gasps]
Are we gonna go shopping? You guys,
we might go shopping. – Andie,
choose a color. – Green? – G-R-E-E-N. Pick a number. – Four.
– One, two, three, four. Okay, Andie… pick one.[playful music]♪ ♪Will Andie get
a boyfriend?♪ ♪No, sorry, Andie. – Well, that was helpful. – Actually, you know what,
you guys? I think the Cootie Catcher’s
premonition is for the best, because 98%
of high-school relationships end in a messy breakup
or teen pregnancy. – Thanks for trying, Imogen,
but I’m gonna go home now and accept the fact
that until I graduate, I’m wearing a chastity belt that
only my brother has the key to. I know that sounded gross. – Do either of you guys
want to know your future? both: No.[melancholy indie rock]♪ ♪– Alec. Alec. [scoffs]
Alec’s in this too. [door opens]
– Hey, girl.– He’s in every single picture. – Andie, are you still
stalking Josh? – Maybe.
– [sighs] Andie, look, I know you’ve had
a real poodle of a week, but I’m not gonna
let you give up on the mess that is dating
in high school. I mean, every girl deserves
at least a chance. – Dakota, I’m tired.
I don’t want to play anymore. – You haven’t even asked me if I had a plan to fix
your whole situation. – Not interested. – Wow, and I thought
we were the closest. – [sighs]
What do you have in mind? – All right,
I’ll need an hour, and, uh… yeah, you’ll definitely
need to shave.[sultry music]♪ ♪All right, Andie,
let’s do this. Let’s make love
to the camera. – Dakota,
what the actual– – We’re changing
the conversation. – By filming me
having sex? I’m not exactly down
with that, Dakota. – No, no, no, Andie. What we’re gonna do is, you know, we’re gonna take
some sexy photos, doll you up,
really fix all of this, and then, um… give them to Josh. – No, Dakota. Absolutely not.
We are not doing that. – [scoffs] Come on, Andie.
Come on, strip. – Stop. No, Dakota,
this is stupid. – [sighs] You know
what’s stupid, Andie? That you don’t even realize
that you’re the best and any guy would be lucky
to hang out with you. – Dakota… – Who became my only friend
in four years? – [sighs]
Me. – Who cheered me up when I did
not have a homecoming date? – Me. – And who pretended to be
my preggo girlfriend just to prank my mom?
– Me. – Andie, you are a gorgeous
and amazing person, and it sucks you need a guy
to validate that. – Me.
– [sighs] No. No response on that one. [sighs]
All right, Andie, look, the reason I wanted to take
these pictures isn’t for someone’s
spank bank. It’s to show you
how sexy, independent, and Beyoncé you are, because until you see it, how can you expect
anyone else to? Come on,
please, Andie? Please?
– Fine. – Yes.
All right, let’s do this. All right, Andie, pose for me.
Pose for me. [camera shutter clicking]
Come on, now, lick those paws. Where is your milk,
Mrs. Kitty Cat? Yes, Andie.– ♪ It’s a Saturday night… ♪– Bite the ruler.
Bite the ruler. Ooh, I love it. I love it.
– [coughs] Give me some rolls
on the bed. Give me some rolls.
I need some rolls. Oh, oh!
You’re at the beach now. Okay. [camera shutter clicking]♪ ♪– Ooh, you’re bad.
You’re so bad. Come on, spin for me, Andie.
Spin.♪ ♪Spin like a dreidel, Andie.♪ ♪– Oh, oh, wow.
You took that literally. Come on, let me help you.
One, two, three. [both laughing] – Okay. Okay.
Okay, I’ll admit it. That was actually pretty fun, and I look
Smokey the Bear hot in these. But, Dakota,
you will be burning them. No one can see them. – Andie, come on,
my camera’s digital. Burning it
would be impractical. – Dakota.
– [scoffs] Fine. Fine, fine.
Look, they’re deleted. See?
– Okay. Well, these
you can actually burn. I’ll just hold on
to these. – No. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no. These are mine, in case I need
to bring these back up and show you
what you’re capable of. – [sighs]
Fine. Even if no one sees
these pictures, it made me feel
a whole lot better. – Oh, Andie, anytime. – Where are you going?
Hot date? – Let me tell you something. Whoever invented ManKitty is literally
the Bill Gates of gays. All righty, Dakota’s
about to go get some. – Oh!
– Sorry. – Oh.
– Sorry, man. – Oh, wow. You’re harder
than you look, Annie Leibovitz. – [chuckles]
– I like that in a man. – Thanks, Dakota.[mysterious music]♪ ♪– [chuckles]
– Yo, Josh, you here?I’m taking a deuce,
so just chill in my room.– Yeah. Yeah, that
sounds good, man.[melancholy indie rock]♪ ♪– Wow. – Oh. Oh, hey. – What’s going on in here?
– What, this? – Yeah.
– Oh, um… it’s for a play. – Uh…
– Uh-huh. “The Count
of Summer Cristo’s Dream.” – Is it, like,
a ’70s porn theme kind of deal? ‘Cause– Wow.
Nice–nice whip. – No, no, no, that was–
that was a pillow. – You sure?
I’ve seen a whip before. That’s–that is
definitely a whip. – Just–
Those are pillows. Um, no, it’s–
The theme’s abstract. It’s just
my interpretation. – Okay. Good luck with that. – Thanks. – I’m just gonna
double-check here. Are you–are you good? – Me? Yeah.
No. Yeah, I’m fine. Why? – I don’t know. You brought
that guy to school today. You’re dressed
in kitty stockings, and, you know, your room looks
like Jenna Jameson’s sex lair, so I feel like that warranted
a “you good?” – Oh, yeah, I get that.
Totally makes sense. Um, no, I’m fine.
Today was just really weird. Courtney had this plan,
and play rehearsal ran late. But to answer
your question thoroughly, yes, I’m good. I’m great.– Josh, is that you?I’m–I’m just finishing–
[groaning]– Uh, you look great.
See you later, Andie.– Nice!Yo, come in here, man.– Whoo.[rock music]♪ ♪All right,
so not much has changed.Guys are still repelled by me
because of Alec,but I can’t help but look
at the bright side.Josh didn’t call me “kiddo,”and if that can change,
who knows what’s next?– Hey.
– Hey. – Hey.
– Hey. You seem chipper. – Did you get eight hours
of sleep? Crucial. – Did you take an upper instead
of your PMS pills? I hate that,
but I love it. – No, I’ve just been thinking,
my brother graduates in a year, and after that,
all of the boys at Brayer will get tired of hooking up
with the same old sloppy seconds and have no other choice. – Hmm.
– Hmm. – [sighs] I’m the last-resort
cherry on this ice cream sundae. See you later,
sister-zone. – [giggles] – Don’t look
at my sister! [all gasp] – Well, there’s always college.
[sighs]– ♪ Na, na-na-na-na,
na, na, na, na ♪– Don’t talk to my sister! I’m an animal!– ♪ Na, na, na, na ♪– ♪ One chance we can own it ♪– ♪ Na, na-na-na-na,
na, na, na, na ♪– ♪ And these are souls
that will save us in time ♪– ♪ Na, na-na-na-na ♪– ♪ And only a moment to try ♪♪ Yeah ♪– ♪ Na, na-na-na-na,
na, na, na, na ♪– ♪ I say it’s only a moment ♪– ♪ Na, na-na-na-na,
na, na, na, na ♪– ♪ Sometimes we can own it ♪– ♪ Na, na-na-na-na,
na, na, na, na ♪– ♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪ Will save us in time ♪♪ There’s only
a moment to try ♪♪ ♪[upbeat pop music]– ♪ Gave them all a shot
look what ♪♪They done,
they got it all wrong ♪♪ Girls are gonna
save the world ♪♪ Don’t be too hard
on yourselves ♪– ♪ Yes, I guess
you did your best ♪♪ But everybody knows ♪♪ Well, that boys are stupid ♪♪ Stupid ♪Stupid.