Relationship Advice For Young Men – Jordan Peterson



you've said that a marriage must be based on trust and transparency and being shackled together how and for how long should you get to know someone how to set a foundation oh well you know there's no there's no simple answer to that I think that you should know someone well enough so that you can so that you know if you can negotiate with them and so that you have started to formulate a vision of your joint future that you can both look forward to with enthusiasm and confidence so and of course that's going to depend to some degree on your level of maturity but that means you've considered such things as do you have a sufficient number of joint interests and are you oriented in the same direction with regards to how you're going to handle your joint careers and the possibility of children and the the manner in which you're going to interact with your in-laws and you you have to start thinking about you have to start considering your life together from the perspective of practicality and economics I would say so it can't just be that massive erotic attraction that's associated with with love although I think that's extraordinarily important and you're unbelievably fortunate if you have that and you should do everything you can to maintain it which and that takes effort that takes real effort at will but you need to ally that with with maturity and intelligence and the maturity and intelligence is ok we're going to put our lives together what's that going to look like at the level of detail how are we going to handle our finances where are we going to live what are our joint plans going to be it cetera one of the things that my business partners and I plan to do in in what would you say that in as an analog to the self authoring suite is that we want to develop an online program to help people negotiate their relationships and and so it would actually provide an answer to this question in a more comprehensive manner is that imagine that if you want to set up a household with someone then there's a lot of things that you need to get straight and you either do that by bringing your unconscious assumptions to bear on the situation and perhaps clashing where they don't match or you sit down like conscious and aware an articulate couple and start to negotiate what your joint responsibilities are going to be and so that would be well who's responsible for the meals and when and what are you going to eat and who's going to get groceries and who's going to pay the bills and who's going to do which part of what household chores there are to do and how is that going to be laid out fair and so you should get to know you should get to know the person that you're with well enough so that you can start discussing the real practical issues of life and determine whether or not you're capable of of negotiating that and I don't think that necessarily means that you should live together because the evidence is actually quite strong at least the last time I look that people who live together are more rather than less likely to be divorced now that might be that might have nothing to do with the actual act of living together it might be that people who are more likely to get divorced or also those who are more likely to merely live together but I don't think that's a great solution for reasons I won't get into now and with regards to being shackled together is that that's a complicated one and and I learned this at least in part from reading Carl Jung and the idea there is that unless you've really made a commitment to someone like a lifetime commitment and that that's a serious commitment one that you're not going to back out of you're not going to take the relationship with the seriousness that's necessary to make it of the highest possible quality and sustainability across the course of your life and it's really important that it is of that high quality and sustainability because the relationship especially when it starts to produce children is a machine let's say a machine that you jointly operate that adds immensely to the quality of your life and the depth of your life I mean you you have the rope and strand of your life and your partner has the strands and the rope of his or her life and then those are tied together to make a stronger rope and then that unites you across time and then you undertake massive adventures together and some of that is the establishment of a household and the establishment of joint careers and the maintenance of each other's mental and physical health and the maintenance of a high quality sexual life and all of that very very challenging to do all of that and then the joint production end and care of children which which sets you up properly for the last half of your life so like I'm 55 now you know and both my kids just got engaged in the last month so that's pretty bloody amazing and they're both setting up households and and they're stepping into adulthood and I'm fortunate enough to have them in the city that I live in so hooray for me that's so bloody fortunate that I can hardly believe it I mean we've helped them out and tried to make it what would you say to make the possibility of their living here be something that's viable but I'm absolutely thrilled that they're going to be around and I'm looking forward immensely to having grandchildren and like what else are you gonna do when you're 55 you know and you're gonna be 55 it's good I might have 40 more years like what am I gonna do with those years well so I have a good marriage thank God for that and that's partly due to the outstanding moral quality of my life my wife who I'm also extraordinarily attracted to and you know we've built life together and we've had kids together and we're happy with our kids and we had plenty of struggle with our kids because one of our children my daughter had serious serious health problems which she seems to have managed to resolve partly as a consequence of her own brilliance but you know we've set ourselves up now so that our children are respectable and mature young adults so thank God for that and they've got partners who we both really like and they're gonna have children and well hooray you know that means that this next part of my life is going to be something that I can invest into with with a fair bit of hope and and and excitement and the idea of having little kids around again is thrilling because I really like little kids they're really really fun and so the jackal together is more like it's a it's it's it's such a I may have even said that but it's such a cynical way of looking at it it's more like what you've produced is an unbreakable bond between two beings and that that makes both of them both of them better in every way if it's based on if it's a relationship that's based on trust and genuine communication that's a very difficult thing to attain because you have to be willing to tell the truth and the truth is DARAB generally a horrible thing no I mean it's easy to tell truth when everyone wants to hear what you have to say but it's very difficult to tell the truth when no one wants to hear it least of all yourself and so marriage gets a very bad rap in our culture and so does child rearing and I think that's absolute catastrophe because really being in a long-term relationship a marriage let's say and having children that's two-thirds of your life even if you're a highly career oriented person that's two-thirds of your life and I'm a highly career oriented person and my family has been unbelievably important to me and has also been something that's enabled me to be a very effective in my career because it my house has been a sanctuary for me and thank God for that especially over many times in my life but especially over the last year so you should you should get to know someone long enough to know that you too can tell the truth with each other communicate and negotiate because the most important part of a relationship is the fact that you can tell each other the truth and negotiate what's my advice to young men seeking a woman for marriage and family yeah well okay fine that's the same quest second question that's that's pretty straightforward man I mean you can't eliminate the necessity of being attracted to one another that's important and that's mysterious you know so for example here's a funny thing if you one of the things we know that attracts people to one another is bilateral symmetry and so if you take men and you rate them by the symmetry of their faces and then you give the asymmetrical men t-shirts to wear clean t-shirts for a day and the symmetrical men clean t-shirts to wear for a day and then you give the t-shirts to women and you have them rate the odor the women rate the odor of the symmetrical men as more attractive than the order of the asymmetrical men and then and there are other factors that determine sexual attractiveness that are based on biological factors that are so deeply embedded in terms of smell for example so women also tend to not be sexually attracted to the to the scent of men who's who have if I remember correctly it's Rh factors that would make for potential trouble in childbirth and the often the reason that the women give for not preferring the scent of those men is that they smell too much like their brother something like that so there's weird mysterious things that determine whether or not people are sexually and physically attracted to each other and I think it's very important if that's part of a marital relationship the next most important thing is trust man it's like there there's no marriage that's successful without trust you guys you've got to tell each other the truth and one of the reasons that you'll believe that marriage as a and the oath and a Carl Jung as a bond was necessary it's really wise it's like you know telling the truth – someone is no simple thing because there's a bunch of things about all of us that are terrible and weak and reprehensible and shameful and all of those things and they kind of have to be brought out into the open and dealt with and you're not going to tell the truth about yourself to someone who can run away screaming when you reveal who you are and so the marriage bond is something like okay here's the deal I'm going to handcuff myself to you and you're gonna handcuff yourself to me and then we're going to tell each other the truth and neither of us are going to get to run away and so our once we know the truth then we're either going to live together in mutual torment or we're gonna try to deal with that truth and straighten ourselves out and straighten ourselves out jointly and that's going to make us us more powerful and more resilient and more and deeper and wiser as we progress together through life and and I think that's absolutely brilliant because if you leave the back door open man you're gonna use it that's for sure and the oath is there and this was Young's commentary on the spiritualization of the human pair born by Christian marriage for example which would emphasize the the what would you call it the subordination of both members of the marital Union to a higher-order personality that was embodied in the figure of the logos so the idea is that in in the Christian marriage for example the man isn't the boss and the woman isn't the boss the boss is the mutual personality composed by the seeking of truth in both of them and that's conceptualized as there's their joint subjugation to the logos and that is absolutely dead on man it's like the ruler of your marital life should be your vow to tell each other the truth because like in hard times during your life when you've done something stupid and idiotic that might take you down and you don't have anybody that you can turn to you know if you have a partner that you can trust you can go say hey you know I made a big financial mistake man and it's really torturing me and I feel like a complete idiot and it's really dangerous and the person there is gonna help you figure out what to do about it and they're gonna know that when they make a stupid mistake and they're bloody well going to that they can come and talk to you and that you guys are gonna work your way through it and that's a big deal and there's a couple of things our culture gets really wrong and one is devalues marriage that's really a very bad idea because marriages marriage is like a third of your life and maybe more and kids are a third of your life and your your your life outside of marriage and kids is a third of your life you know approximately speaking and to miss any of that is a massive massive mistake now having said that I will also say that for some people missing one or more of those is necessary because they have a reason you know maybe they're brilliantly creative artists and they need to devote themselves entirely to their career or their outstanding in some way and so they need they can justify the sacrifice of one part of that try out of being to another part for but generally speaking it's a very dangerous thing and it it shouldn't be done and also kids get an absolutely terrible rap you know because kids are delightful if they're well-behaved one of the chapters in my new book is called don't let your children do anything that makes you dislike them and you can do that especially if you discuss it thoroughly with your spouse you're the person that's helping you discipline the kids and children are the best company because they're really enthusiastic about everything they love doing new things they really love you so they're happy that you're around all you have to do is make sure they're not too hot and they're not too cold and they've had something to eat and they're not too tired and you don't expect them to stay engaged in something for longer than they can manage because we used to take our kids when they were little out to restaurants for example and they could sit there no problem and behave really nicely when they were 2 and 3 but they couldn't do it for more than about 45 minutes he can't push your luck but I also noticed with little kids is that they got antsy and unreasonable about 5 to 10 minutes before the adults did – it's just the adults were too stupid to notice the kids would notice right away so so back to marriage when you look for someone that you're attracted to that you love and then you look for someone that you can bloody well trust and then you tell them the truth and and that way maybe you can get through life and you can have someone to weave the Rope of your being with and together to make to make your joint rope stronger and you can have some continuity in your narrative and you can have children and then you could have grandchildren and like you can have a life man and there's nothing you're so fortunate if you can manage that and so ok so there's that one so what's my advice to young men seeking the woman for marriage and family yeah well and also you know marry someone you think would be a good mother and that has enough sense generally speaking to know that she wants children now some women don't want children and fair enough and some women perhaps shouldn't have children that's also possible but the general rule of thumb is especially once a woman's you know in her mid-20s if she doesn't know that she wants children or won't admit it unless she has a viciously important reason then she's not oriented properly psychologically she isn't she doesn't know what's important in life now that might also be the case with you and it probably is but as a rule of thumb that's a really good one you

Michael Martin

24 Responses

  1. Every American women has the state on her side and is used as a weapon against men DAILY. Why would any man enter into a state contract with a party that has a weapon pointed at him? Fuck that.

  2. It's so much easier to avoid the issues of relationship pairing .. and just go your own way ..
    and now, I will give fellow Scandinavian Peterson a bit of my advice, as he asks .. @ 4:58
    "what will I do with my life after age 55" .. holy moly, Jordan .. have you ever heard of sailing? .. get yourself a Beneteau, explore the Med, Azores, Carribean and Bimini ..Cheers

  3. I’m a huge fan of JP, but in this video he really sounds like a pussywhipped mangina to me. There is no life without having a relation and kids? That’s nonsense. I’ve been singe all my life, 51 years old , and I’m living the dream. The same dream that my married friends HOPE to get when they are retired (that means: when they’re to old for it).

  4. the most useful video for me in a very very long time. Once again thank yo jordan. Brilliant outlook

  5. Wow what a beta blue pill advice.
    A agree with Jordan on a lot of things but in relationships his not good.

  6. You have to make the other person your priority this in law issue is a problem if you are a Mamas boy whose Mother resents your wife for being attractive and or talented. Just stay home with Mommy if you can't respect your wife like a grown up responsible man.

  7. You’re not going to find a woman worthy of marriage in North America unless they are a sheltered immigrant from Europe who refuses to acclimate to our toxic pathetic culture.

  8. The ALL KNOWING ORECLE OF THE UNIVERSE EVEN GOD SPEAKS let them all pat you on the back with an attack boy get your education in a free society . In Canada DAU . THEN preach Opression how to munipulat or brain wash a nation AFTER GROWING UP IN A FEE WIRLD TO TALK INTELLECTUAL REDERIC. Of political views of TYRANNY AND . Mulevalents??! Hypocrisy robbing the COLLEGE youth of their freedoms U millionair now THST YOU HAD THE OPERTUNITY . TO HAVE YOURSELF!! KEEP ON PATTING YOUR EGO ON THE BACL WITH YOUR PETERSON PUPILS ILL LET EM KNOW WHAT YOUR REALLY UP TO

  9. I will never be at a point in my life where I can know what I'm going to do. So how can I plan for a relationship if I cant even plan for myself? I mean sure blind relationships built on love have a bad chance of surviving. I'm starting to think though, that they might be better. If one ends, just start another one. I cant believe people can get their shit together and actually plan this stuff out. It seems almost funny to me.

  10. and by the way, mutuality and variation between likes and dislikes aside. there is something called objective righteousness which demands women to offer servitude as femininity is and man to be the master as masculinity is. these are dharma applicable for everyone. it can never be flipped because it will produce consequences of negative later on. there are three gunas tamas rajas and satvam, tamas is the protective part, rajas is the responsive or reactive part and satvam as the adjusting or balancing part. depending on which identities and between what as aspects two clash on, their leaning inclinations and directions will alter itself. Its clearly visible once you get to know the laws of movement and variety of states as they come into contact with one another. Marx said humans have no attributes of their own but let me tell you humans do have a fixed attribute and nature that functions in a certain manner and within it is like a slate that can be conditioned and molded as well, just like how the rock has a very strong hard nature but it can also be carves and molded into some idle or something. shaping of things happen from individual situations that arise due to circumstances of collective causations. Instead of trying to alter actions which won't actually help in truth but simply gives an appearance of it. Suffering of an individual only gets resolved when we focus on the being and altering the situation to improve which means many number of people have to be involved collectively as it demands multi direction support

  11. The contradiction here is that the truth is often ugly when we are speaking of individuals here, I think that teaching children's to be nice is a dangerous method in the world because in today's times, we often see parents with different temperaments under going different conditions and interests variations, there is a lot of pressure put to the child just on their very conducts, the children's often end up perceiving everything else to be nice and colorful when they are taught to be like that, it makes them stray away from actuality, its fine to say or put the most harshest things in a nice and presentable manner but when we are teaching on being nice for the sake of decency alone, the value for showing niceness disappears due to it being over used and it being not so authentic. it is stripped of its originality. we often see that whenever there is an internal family clash, the children's either become rebellious, or overly responsible over burdened types or overly introverted and overly compromising types and all of these are just going to worsen if we emphasize on niceness but it is important that we make sure the children's are conscious enough to know when and where to be nice and where not. this would ensure that they neither turn too cold nor too soft to get themselves boxes up into a disadvantage due to the pressured conditions put on them. there other reason would be that in intimate relationships or group of intimacy, we see people share their most ugliest aspects and characteristics, it won't exactly sound very nice from a stereotypical way. So building those kinds of bonds demands one to have a balanced form of both nice and spice so that they dont get too shocked nor swept away by the whole experience. kids are still just an absorbing kind, they have not yet developed into an articulate observing and experiential kind so its important to make sure they are fit and not practicing fakeness. because knowing the extent of something is the first step to have a handle on it

  12. Convrats Dr on your children. I'm 58 and just became a grandfather. My son is 25 and in medical school, but my daughter is married and just had a little boy who is healthy and happy. You will love being a grandparent.

  13. I have been married 3 times. I came from a messed up family that divorced when I was 12. This advice is soooo good. I grew up in the 60s and 70s when we were told there was no right or wrong, just preferences. Of course tgis was all hippie Marxists crap.

  14. On average, for both men and women, are there any statistics that suggests a higher marriage survival rate based on age?

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