Reading The Future of Your Relationships

look into a crystal ball to determine what your kids are gonna be like or how your relationships are gonna develop new research says you might actually be able to do that – the crystal ball the latest issue of Psychology Today points to six clues that reveal what kind of person someone will become studio 5 relationship coach Matt Townsend has been reviewing the research which sounds really interesting yes great reading material I know it's a lot it's intense it would be great to run Mitt Romney through this Oh any presidential candidate do they possess the character traits that will create success does that come down to characteristic traits yeah that's what they that's what they talk about and I'm gonna kind of put a little spin on it because I don't think this is about evaluating everyone else's character and characters characteristics or traits it's about us okay so we're gonna give you the six traits are you ready yeah tons of fun when we go through them see if you have them maybe you'll be on the way to success intelligence okay so intelligence a quick idea on that is it's it's it's um it's not reactive smart it's somebody that can be in a moment feel anxious and frustrated but they have the intelligence to manage their own emotions so they're they're very good coping skills but it's basically emotional intelligence okay so do you have intelligence – do you have Drive this is something I think Nick Romney probably uses Drive is that motivation that idea to get out there and get something happen these are the people to set goals make stuff happen and move think about your partner you love your partner to have drive and a little intelligence right that's exactly something would happen right okay so the next one is going to be happiness happiness simply is the idea that these are the people that can go out and see the good they find the happiness they actually make something happen okay they identify you know what this wasn't a bad day and they find all the shining moments in the day versus those that can't find the happiness okay even though it's hitting them right in the face third is goodness the goodness or the people that have empathy okay so the basic skill is empathy you've got to learn to feel empathic and caring of others so they call that goodness I would just call it somebody that can feel and get in the path of another person okay empathy like next is friendship friendship is the concept of reciprocity of porosity is the idea that I serve you you serve me we serve each other and together we move on good friends are reciprocal we meet your needs the last one intimacy is we look at this list one through six are these things I mean obviously you hope you possess these things but are these things that even adults can build and develop yeah and so this is maybe where the reach some people would question some people you're just born with this you either got driver you don't I kind of disagree I believe with a lot of our these traits they're very teachable they're skills that we can teach and so like intimacy is not just about like physical intimacy intimacy is about the ability to risk with other human beings be vulnerable be open and then we create closeness and intimacy because we're able to risk I believe every single one of them can can be taught can be changed no idea this article is if you look at your kids if they have these six things if you look at MIT Romney or whoever your ends or the boyfriends or girlfriends you'll be able to tell what they're gonna be like but you see there's a different twist to this whole thing they use that as a predictor the problem is this is so complex how are you ever going to predict so instead I suggest instead of using the crystal ball to find the perfect people in your world use the use this insight to see if you can become the perfect person on the perfect but become the ideal partner the ideal friend you make sure you're using this to work on you okay so the crystal ball really is about being a better partner instead of finding a better partner do you possess the intelligence the drive the happiness the empathy do you project possess reciprocity because if you do great if you don't we've got to work on some skills and we'll go through and give you some activities you can go and do in a minute now one thing is work on you not everyone else the second reason the the ball is so important is you got to work on what you have influence over I can't influence Mitt Romney's Drive I can't influence as my wife's positivity always but I can work on mine so I suggest we work on us is because I have complete influence over me and what I found is the more we work on what we can do instead of worrying about everything else we have no control over we're going to we're going to succeed you mentioned some activities from assignments let's break these down one by one first intelligence some of us are glad to know that isn't a it's really good it's not just smart okay this is about this is about you trying to identify things that you can actually do this is where you learn to stop reacting this is where you become an intelligent person with other people you learn to notice the the feelings inside of you where you're ready to explode and you learn with your intelligence to get into higher thoughts better thoughts that can change some of your moods okay so it's learning to manage your intelligence it's a form of emotional intelligence it's a very big sign of success you get a little chore for everyone yeah I know it's one of these things like yeah put them up again hope what is this you got to learn to stop reacting to every situation place before you and increase your intelligence by thinking of better responses so the way you do that is instead of when you're sitting here frustrated ready to go off on somebody I teach to ask the higher question like what do I want most tomorrow what do I want most in my relationship with my child who just spilled milk everywhere and notice how this takes some intelligence you can't just be the reactive monkey that goes off screaming at your kids you got to get into the higher brain and say what do I want tomorrow that's an intelligent move right second one is Drive drive is where we exercise life our exercise agency and choice in our life and we make some choices right so this is your homework assignment for drive identify something you want to accomplish something important to you make a plan and plan daily on that activity so make a goal what's one thing you want to improve this next week make a plan so one thing you can do every week and then every day implement it and document it so I want to exercise more I like chart down house I want to get on the treadmill except in that shape the research would say the more we actually create a plan the more likely we are to feel motivated mmm the motivation doesn't just come from having an idea it comes from having a really cool idea with a great plan that we act on daily so I would define that as diligence but you say if you do it over time that will build to drive well yeah and so notice this is just gonna be semantics because they use Drive but really what they're talking about is planning okay right okay so the next one we talked about is happiness happiness is the concept that you can actually go out and see the positive things in your day this is easy you've heard of I'd like a gratitude journal or a gratitude diary this is where every day you identify one thing you're grateful for write it down and then go talk to someone about it that's a very simple activity if you know you're a little low in happiness and being able to see the positive start noticing it one good thing today write about it and tell everybody else about it okay it's a simple task positive thinking the next is goodness goodness is empathy empathy is my ability to see that you trip in your high heels when you trip on a cord running through the studio and you slide on just totally today that were to happen I would instead of laughing at you I would feel actually sad and I would I would I would feel what you feel empathy is not sympathy sympathy is like oh I've tripped before we're both klutzes okay that's sympathy nobody wants sympathy most of us want somebody that doesn't necessarily have it hasn't had the same experience but can still feel what I feel because they get into me and they try to understand it the best way to learn empathy though is to focus on a great question you can ask yourself by the way notice it's more intelligence is what's it like to be Brooke what's it like to be Brooke having to deal with Matt on the show that's empathy era that would be able to be right now the next one's friendship are you a good friend are you good you're a good friend Brooke sketchy in that area good friends focus on friendship in your day by initiating contact and following up with your friends in your social network get out there and call your friends contact them say I haven't talked to you forever so homework assignment is if you don't feel like you're being a reciprocal friend who makes who meets their needs and they meet yours get out of the box for the assignment for intimacy I know you are and you're thinking of there are kinda see intimacy this is being vulnerable make yourself be vulnerable take a risk with someone you really care about have a conversation where you share something that is really important to you so take a really close person in your life and say you know what I just feel like I haven't been as risking with you as I need to be so I want to be more vulnerable with you I want to tell you a story about how I tripped in the studio the next r86 assignments and you can actually increase your own care

Michael Martin

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