– You guys are gonna be
on the road. Is this just you, Natasha?
– This is just me. Moshe makes me go out
and make money for the family. – Hell yeah.
– God! – So me– me and my one-year-old
go out on the road. – Are you– wait,
are you really going with your one-year-old to Tampa? – Yes.
– And you’re taking her? – She’s always wanted
to see Tampa. (laughter) ♪♪ – We’re back,
it’s “You Up With Nikki Glaser.” I’m here with Moshe Kasher
and Natasha Leggero. Check out their new podcast,
“The Endless Honeymoon Podcast,” which just launched yesterday
on iTunes Podcast. Oh, here we go,
let’s get into some calls. You guys wanna take
some live calls? – Love it, hell yeah.
– Let’s see what you got. Let’s talk to Caitlyn
in Chicago. Caitlyn, welcome to “You Up.” What is your
relationship problem? –Hi, Nikki, thank you.I am calling you guys
because my boyfriend drinks.Not enough to be a psycho
abusive alcoholic,but enough that
he’s really annoying.(laughter) – Just enough to be Jewish. – How much is that?
Is that every night? –It’s, uh… at least maybe
two times every two weeks.So, I guess once-ish a week.– How old are you?
How old are you, how old is he? –I’m 23, he’s 27.– And what are some
of the annoying things he does when he drinks? –He’ll just tell
really long storiesthat make absolutely no sense.But like,
when I’m saying really long,like, an hour long.
– No! – Did you hear
Nikki’s story earlier? – (laughing)
I know, oh my God. – Oh, nothing, go ahead.
– How dare you. – He’ll sit on the edge
of your bed? –Yeah, just sit
on the edge of my bedand like, look at me,
and just like stare at me.And I’m just, like,
trying to go to bed.– Is this a bed
you share with him? –Yeah!
(laughs)– Um, I mean…
– I mean, yeah. – How long have you guys
been together? –It’s not– it’s not
like the two-drink sexy–We’ve been together
for two years.– Okay, and has he
always drank like this? – Once a week? –Like, it depends.He works in the service
industry as well,so sometimes he’ll use that
as an excuse to come home.And I’m just– I’ve worked
in the service industry.I don’t anymore, and I’m
just like, I don’t care.I wanna wake up early
and have coffee.I don’t wanna
stay up all night.– I’m just gonna come out here
and say it. I think that you guys
are maybe more buddies, and I think that you should probably start considering
dumping each other. – Yeah, it doesn’t– I mean,
are you attracted to him? –Oh, absolutely.
– Oh, you are. – But she’s like, “He, like,
sits on the end of my bed and just stares at me.” – That’s so weird. – Yeah.
–It’s definitely annoying.– Moshe does that,
I like it. – Yeah, often Natasha
will wake up and I’ll just be making
eye contact with her. And I just say– every time
we make love, by the way, I say, “I love you so much,
never leave me.” – That does get intense.
– Yeah, girls really like that, I think. – I mean, that’s my vote.
Do you have a vote, Moshe? – Well, I don’t know, I’m not
sure this is a serious call. Are you actually
annoyed by him, or do you just love him so much and you wanted
to roast him a little bit? –No, it’s– definitely
a little bit of both.My dad’s an alcoholic though,
so I do take it seriously.– Yeah, you sound
pretty serious. – Caitlyn, I think
that this guy, it’s only gonna get worse. That’s the way
drinking is. Like, it’ll be one night a week
that he’s telling these long stories
at the end of your bed. It’s gonna cut to like–
if you wanna– it’s only gonna get worse unless
he addresses this problem, and it seems… If he’s embarrassing
when he drinks, just trust me, like, you– it’s happening within
your apartment at this point. When you bring him out and
introduce him to your family and friends, like, you’re gonna
be humiliated by this guy and his long stories.
– Yeah. – Well, I’m just not
convinced that this– like, is this– does he really
have a drinking problem? –I’ve been talking a lot about
it with a lot of people lately.I don’t know, we’re kind of
uncovering it as time goes on.– So, is it– is it actually
a little more serious than you’re leading on?
‘Cause it sounds– like, if you say he drinks
once every two weeks and tells a long story…
– Well… – …that doesn’t sound
like an alcoholic, it sounds like a fisherman.
But like… –I mean…
– But if he… Are you covering up a bit? –I mean,
there’s definitely–I think that maybe his drinking
comes from something else,I don’t know if it’s
necessarily alcoholism.– Also, if someone’s
personality changes when they’re drinking,
that’s a good sign. And if they’re
becoming annoying… Like, I only become
more effervescent and charming. And so, you know,
I should drink. – Wait, tell me about this.
What– what thing is it that you think that
he’s drinking to cover up? –He… his parents are
Evangelicals from the Southand aren’t aware of his–anything in his life,
–So, I think that’s–I think that’s a big thing.– Another reason
to not marry him. You don’t wanna marry
into that family. Get on a dating app. You know, let him live there
for a while. – Have you guys talked
openly about his drinking? Have you ever had a conversation
with him about it? –Oh, every day.
Every day.– Oh.
– You talk to him every day? –He knows that I’m on here
right now.Like, he’s aware.– Okay.
– Got it. – Well, what does he say? –He says that he doesn’t
wanna be that,and that he is gonna work
really hard to not be that.– Mm-hmm?
–But it doesn’t–it doesn’t often change.And I listen to Nikki
every morning,and when I saw the call-in,
I was just like, you know what,maybe– maybe you guys have a
little bit of different advicethan I’ve heard
from my 20-year-old friends.– What are your 20-year-old
friends telling you? –Dump him!– Oh, so you– you want us
to tell you to stay with him and find a way to fix him,
is that right? –Maybe not that,
but essentially.– Yeah, I mean,
the problem with alcoholics, if he is an alcoholic,
and I kinda get the spidey sense that we’re not hearing
the full story. We’re hearing the, like,
fun, “I listen to Nikki every morning” story,
is the problem with alcoholics is that they don’t
necessarily change in the way that you want them
to change. They change in the way
that alcoholics change, which is that they
get worse, right? It’s like a progressive illness.
–Yeah, totally.– And it gets worse over time.
If he’s in fact an alcoholic, then there is– it’s not that
there’s no hope, because I– I was–
I’m sober for a long time, and I got– I stopped drinking.
But they can never change in the way that
you want them to change. And so, if the hope is that
you’re gonna be able to fix him, if he’s an alcoholic,
bad news, you will not– you will not fix him.
–Yeah.– They are not fixable
by outside influences. And the only thing you can do
is fix yourself, which is find a way to figure
out what alcoholism actually is. – And Moshe, have you ever
heard a story where someone has like a problem
with their drinking, and they decided, like,
“I’m gonna work on it and not do that anymore”?
Has that ever worked? – I mean, it– it works
if they are self-motivated. I mean, that’s the whole thing
about alcoholism, right? Is that you have to realize
that you have a problem and you have to want to change. And if somebody
doesn’t want to change, but somebody else wants them
to change, that’s just not how it works. – Mm-hmm.
– So, I guess… –Exactly.
– If he’s… –Do I give ultimatums?
What do I… do I… you know.– Nothing you can–
nothing you can do, if he’s an alcoholic,
will actually change him. The only thing you can do
is figure out a way to change yourself.
I mean, you can go to Al-Anon, you can read books about what
it actually is like to live with an alcoholic
and realize that you can– it is literally like living with
somebody with schizophrenia. –No, totally.
– Would you give an ultimatum to a man with schizophrenia
and say, “If you don’t stop hearing those
voices, then I’m outta here”? So, no.
– Oh, that’s a good analogy. – There are no– there are no
ultimatums that will make a man who is an alcoholic
stop drinking or drink less. There is only a way
to change yourself. – I think you– can you tell
people to check out Al-Anon? – Yeah, of course.
– I don’t know the rules of it. But Caitlyn, if you were raised
by alcoholics in any way, and then you’re attracted
to someone who might have a drinking problem,
just go check that… – Al-Anon’s amazing.
– It really is. Go check out that.
Go to some meetings. Try– try a handful of meetings. – And the main thing in Al-Anon
that they tell you, the first step, right,
is that you’re powerless over the alcoholic
in your life, and that is the bad news. You will not be able
to change him, you’ll only be able
to change yourself. – Yeah.
–Totally.– All right, let’s take
another call! – Yeah, thanks for calling in
and listening, Caitlyn. Squirt, squirt.
Okay, let’s go to… – Get on Ria.
– Yeah. (laughs)
If they’ll allow you. You have to be vetted.
Ugh. Dukes, let’s go
to Dukes in Detroit. What’s up, Dukes? –Hi.
– Hi. –Hello?
Can you hear me? Okay.– Welcome to the show.
Yeah, we can hear you. What’s going on with you? – Yeah, what’s going on
with your name? Why is it that?
– Yeah, what is– why is your name Dukes? –That is my actual name.
That’s my actual name.It’s my last name,
I go by my last name.– Oh, okay.
– Oh, that’s cute. –I actually follow Nikki
on Instagram.I just messaged you
a little while agoabout the womanizer,
I love it, so, anyway.– Oh, yes!
I think I remember. I get a lot of those messages,
but I think I remember yours. And thank you for saying–
yeah, the womanizer, it sucks your clit,
it’s a great toy. – Oh, it’s– I thought that
was your relationship issue, is that you were with
a womanizer. I didn’t realize you were
talking about a sex toy. – No, it’s a sex toy.
Yeah. No, that’s the only
thing going… –Well, it’s kinda–
okay, so…– Yeah.
–It’s kind of about that.Okay, so good segue.
I– okay, so this guy,me and him kinda like
hooking upfor like four years now.So, he actually went to LA
to pursue his career in comedy.And he’s hilarious, and in
order to not like–– Someone at this table
has fucked him. (laughter) – But he’s in comedy in LA? –That’s gonna ruin
this whole phone call.No, okay, so in order to…
him to his career,I’m like supportive,
like, yay, go for it,be famous or whatever.
And so, I see him, like,every few months or whatever.
And so, I’m back home.Like, we’re not in
a real relationship,it’s like a situation-ship.And I’m back home going on
these trash-ass dates.And every time I, like,
go on a trashy-ass dateand I don’t, you know,
have a good time,I’m like, ugh,
can’t he just come back?Or can, like,
something happen?And I’m like, is it time–
here’s the real question–is it time to just tell him,
like, I really want your penisand other stuff in my life?Or do I just, like, you know,
keep it like it is?– Did you say, “I really
want your penis in my life”? – She’s trying to be romantic
but she’s not the type. –And other stuff.
Yeah, yeah.– Right, oh, so…
Should you tell this man who has moved to Los Angeles
to pursue his career far away from Detroit…
– That you wanna get married. – …that you love him
and want him forever? –No, I don’t wanna get married,
I never said that,you said that.
I don’t wanna get married.I just want you to know that,
like, I like you,and I want, like– I don’t
wanna bum these other lamesand I don’t wanna go on these
trash-ass dates anymore.– Well, I– we have two…
– I hear you. – We have two constant bits
of advice on this podcast. Two of– one of which is,
that communication is always a good thing, that the best
disinfectant is oxygen, right? So, like, of course
you should tell him. And the other thing we always
say is that you deserve to be happy, right?
You definitely, Dukes– even with a name like Dukes,
you deserve to be happy and not to be– not to be
settling for somebody you don’t what.
But the bad news is, somebody has moved–
he’s already kinda told you what his priority is.
He’s in LA. He’s on stage right now
living his best life. So, you should tell him,
for sure. – And also, you know,
there is an idea, Dukes, that if you do tell him
and it’s not gonna happen, at least it would free up
a little bit of space in your life,
and maybe even in your heart, to meet someone
who you really like, you know, more than the trash-ass dates. – So, you mean that if she gets
a final answer from him… – Yeah.
– …she won’t be waffling. She can either pursue that…
– Find someone more, you know, find someone– And you have
no interest in moving, right? –I mean, I like the sun.
(laughs)– What is the best case
scenario for you? That he– that he says, “move
here and let’s be together”? –I’m not–
see, I’m not even tryingto be married and all that.
I just need you to know, like,you’re the penis for me,
I’m the vagina…– But what do you
want out of that? – She want– you don’t want him
fucking other girls. – Yeah, I mean, ’cause to me,
the bad news is– or bad news, or reality is,
that he’s already kinda told you what his priority is.
His priority is his career, which is why he moved
away from you. If he was madly
in love with you, probably he would have said,
“Come with me” or “I’m not leaving.”
So, he’s already there. But I think you should tell him
so you can get an answer. He’ll either say, “I love you
forever, Dukes, come to LA,” or he’ll say, “Well, I’m really
kinda trying to pursue my comedy career right now,”
and then you can finally open yourself up to the world
of trash-ass dates in the Greater Michigan area.
– And I have a feeling what’s happening is
he comes home and then you guys fuck. And I think that if you feel
like that’s kind of, you know, playing with you a little bit
and fucking you up, maybe you need
to not do that anymore. – What do you think, Nikki?
What should she do? – I mean, I think that– I just
don’t understand what she wants. She’s saying, “I don’t
necessarily wanna move to LA or whatever,” but you just
want to see him when he comes
to Detroit for Christmas? I mean, like, what’s–
what’s the end game here? – And know he doesn’t fuck
anyone in LA. – Yeah, and you just–
you wanna talk to him on the phone
every night, and FaceTime, and have him fly out and see–
like, I get what– you want a commitment from him. But he– what is that
gonna look like? That’s not gonna be
even fulfilling. He lives in LA
and you live in Detroit? – Tell us his name
and we will tell you if he’s fucking anyone. –I will DM you,
I will DM you the name.Do you think that my dates
are trashbecause I’m making them trash?– 100%.
– Yeah. – Because you’re hung up
on this guy. – Yeah, you got your mind
on a guy who’s on stage at the Laugh Factory
in Hollywood having fun fucking girls after the show,
and so you can’t see if there’s anybody
worthwhile in front of you. And I’m sure that there is. I bet you already know
the answer to your question. You know what he’ll say to you
if you tell him that you love him, or whatever
it is that you’re feeling for– – Oh yeah.
– You already know, you know. He… right? –Eh, uh, okay, I guess.
I don’t know.– I think you should definitely,
if you hook up with him again, do not fuck him anymore. Like, when he comes back
to town, no more– no more fucking him. You can do other stuff,
but don’t let his penis in you, because it’s making you
have trash-ass dates. ‘Cause you– ’cause you’re
staying connected to him, you’re staying bonded to him. So stop– stop having
sex with him. – But communicate that to him.
– Yes. – You know, give him a chance
to say, “Okay, you know, “I guess it has been four years, and I don’t like anyone
more than you.” – Yeah, how–
– But usually when people are at the beginning of their careers
in a new city, is not a good time to like… – Yeah, how could you connect
with somebody in Michigan when you’re living in
a fantasy in Los Angeles that you’re not
even actually in? You’re just thinking,
“Oh, someday. Someday he’ll call.” – But DM us who it is, please.
– Yeah, we do wanna know if he’s funny.
– Yeah, yeah, we do wanna know if he’s killing it. I have a feeling
we won’t know who it is. – I have a guess on who it is.
– Really? – Yeah.
– Okay. Well, Dukes,
thank you for your call. We gotta go to break here soon,
but I completely agree with you. Like, I just… I’ve been off
and on with my ex-boyfriend for the past two years, since we’ve officially
broken up. And I’ve been dating
other guys in that time, but like, I can’t let anyone in
because I was waiting for this guy to wanna marry me. – Well, there’s– there’s also
a particular thing. I relate to Dukes
in this long-distance relationship thing.
– Yeah. – When you’re afraid
of intimacy, a long-distance relationship
is like the perfect thing. – It really is.
– Because you only see them quarterly, but the whole time,
you can, like, entertain a fantasy,
and it can allow you to have the fumes of your
dysfunctional love life feel totally not dysfunctional,
because you’re like, oh no, I’m entertaining
this relationship with a person who lives, you know,
6,000 miles away, that’s love. And then you never have to do
the actual work that love is. – Right.
– Love is like hard work. And it’s in your face,
and it’s every day. – I agree with you.
I think I went from– when I was scared of intimacy,
I dated guys that had girlfriends.
– Mm-hmm, same thing. – Then I dated guys
that were long distance. Like, I kept getting closer
to what I thought was intimacy. But long distance,
whenever someone’s in a long-distance relationship,
I’m like, you’re scared of intimacy. – Yeah, intimacy is not
four weekends a year. – Yeah, exactly.
Let’s go to Jacob really quick in Montana. Jacob,
before we go to break, let’s hear your relationship
problem. Hi, Jacob.
–Hi, guys, can you hear me?Hello.
– Yes! You’re on with Natasha
and Moshe. Hi. –And I’m a homosexual male,
you know, I’m gay.And that shouldn’t be too big,
but it’s a big problemright now because
I fell in lovewith this awesome guy.
– In Montana. –He’s a great guy,
but we don’t connect too much.And I started talking
to a guy online,and I really like him.But the problem is
I feel like I’m cheating.I don’t know how to communicate
to the personthat I’ve fallen in love withand let them know
what’s going on.So, I just wanna hear
your guys’ opinions.– Wait, the first person,
you’ve fallen in love with but you don’t have anything
in common with him, and you don’t really
like talking to him? –We’re like
polar opposites, you know?Like, we don’t have a lot
in common together,and that is what is hurting
our relationship right now,is the fact that…
– So, you like his body. –Yes, I love his body.
Oh my God.– Got it.
– So, that’s it, so it’s just about sex.
– So when you say fall in love, what you mean is, “I laid him
down on the prairie, “looked up at that big sky
and made love to him under the Montana sun.” Yeah, I mean– well, our first
advice to you is move out of Montana. We guarantee– think you should
move to a place like West Hollywood
or any major city. Well, you gotta… you’re…
– Is he sprung? The boy that
you’re in love with? –Yeah, he was born in Montana.
– He’s in love with… –I was born in Kansas,
so I came over here.I don’t know why,
but I’m here.– Oh, you moved to
the big city– the big– you had to get out of Kansas
and get to a more sort of vibrant
urban area, yeah. –Yeah, there you go, yeah.– So who’s the other guy?
Where’d you find him? –Well, he just hit me up
on Facebook Messenger,of all places, and, um…
I just kept talking to him.And you know we have
a lot in common,which is more than I can say
with the dudeI’m currently in
a relationship with.So that’s where
it kind of all started.He’s also
a very attractive man.He has a lot going
for him as well,which helps the case,
you know.He can…– Have you met him yet? Have you met–
–Uh, yes, I have,which seems kind of cheaty,
I know.I can… (sighs)
– Oh, you met up. Did you sleep with him?
Did you hook up with him? –No, I didn’t sleep with him,
but see, see,that’s the only thing
I haven’t done.And he doesn’t know
I’m in a relationshipis the entire problem.
– Oh… – Got it. So you’re lying
to two people at the same time and you’re wondering what to do?
–Yeah.That’s what’s going on.
– And it’s hard, because he probably lives
in an area where’s it’s like, when you finally met this first
guy, you’re like, “Oh, my God.” – I gotta hold on to this guy.
– I found the one gay guy in Montana–
Oh, my God, there’s two! It’s clear what you need to do
and you already know. Why are you even calling.
You know what you need to do. –What do I need to do?
– What does he have to do? – You need to tell these people
what’s going on. Lying indefinitely is
definitely not the solution. – He needs to break up
with the other guy. – That’s the last thing
you wanna do? –It’s I just don’t like
confrontations.Well, I put myself
in this place,so I guess I deserve it,
but, um, that’s…– Well, can’t you just tell
the guy that you’re– Can’t you tell the guy,
the first guy, whatever his name is,
the one you’re in love with who has a hot body– the one
you’re in love with his body, can’t you just tell him
that you wanna, you know, take a step back and have
a more open relationship and you’re not ready
for commitment, and you’d like to still be able
to see him, but you know you are
kind of interested in not being tied down
right now? – Yeah.
– You’re young. You’re in Montana. – And when they say tied down
in Montana, it’s a whole different thing.
It’s steer wrangling. I mean, you are so luck–
–Whole different thing.– You’re actually
really lucky, Jacob, because you haven’t done
anything stupid yet. All you’ve done is flirted,
so you’re not in the “I’m a dirtbag” zone.
You’re in the– You’re pre-dirtbag right now,
and so you can go to your partner
and you can say to him, “I love you,
but I’m not satisfied. I wanna see other people.”
– And the truth is, you don’t love him.
You love his body. – Right, he might
surprise you and say, “Well, this is Montana
and anything goes.” Or he might say,
“I can’t deal with that. I need to break up with you,” and then you got
your information. You’re gonna fuck
the other guy. Guaranteed.
– Oh, guaranteed. – You’re going–
I mean, he’s already– you’ve already–
you’re doin’ it. – And does he need to be clear
with his new guy that he was in a relationship
when they first met? He doesn’t need
to disclose that? – I don’t think
that’s important. – Okay.
– Neither of them are gonna work out,
so don’t worry about it. – Jacob, good luck though. – Jacob, can you do it?
I mean, you’re not a bad guy here. You haven’t
don’t anything wrong. I think that you need to
remember that you might hate confrontation but just know that
this is a normal problem to have and it’s uncomfortable,
but you’re not a bad person. And you need– but you
definitely need to tell the guy you’re
currently seeing about it. And just be completely honest.
– Yeah. – Be like, I met up
with this guy. I’m sorry, it was wrong.
– I didn’t sleep with him. – Nothing happened.
I didn’t sleep with him. – But it just made me realize
that I’m not really ready to be tied down.
– Yeah, the reality is– the reality is, Jacob,
that both of you deserve to have the truth
in your relationship. You deserve to be happy
and he deserves to have a partner
that tells him the truth. – Yeah, and I do think
you’ll be rewarded if you can like muster up
the courage to say this to him. And honestly there’s never
a good time to do a bad thing, and it’s not gonna feel good,
but you’re just gonna have to force yourself to say it. – You’ll feel so good
afterwards. Like right now you’re just
living in his constant like… agita of like,
oh, I’m a bad person. I have this looming discussion
I have to have. Just go do it
and get it over with and you’re gonna feel so good
on the other side of it, because honestly you’re calling
in ’cause you feel bad. – Exactly.
– You’re not a bad person. You’re not a malicious person,
and this is a common problem to like two people
and to feel unsatisfied in a monogamous relationship.
– Totally. – And it’s gonna feel way worse
once you’re fucking both of them and then you have to tell ’em.
– Absolutely. Like the difference between
“I wanna see other people”– –I already feel like
a shit person,and so that’s why I’m just
trying to take a step backand hear–
I really appreciate you guysgiving me your honest opinions.
That’s helping me with that–– Yeah, you’re not
a shit person at all. – Yeah, the difference between
telling someone “I need to see other people”
and “I’ve been seeing someone else” is so gigantic
and it’s so much worse to do the second one.
So just look him in the eyes, tell him, “I wish I knew
how to quit you,” and go have fun Montana fun.
– And hopefully make it so you can still fuck him since
you like fuckin’ him so much. – Yeah, I don’t think either
of these things are over, and I think that you’re gonna–
maybe he’s thinking the same thing.
You have no idea. Oftentimes that’s what happens. – He could be DM-ing
the same guy right now and you guys could have a real
wild steer wrestling contest. – (laughs)
Thank you, Jacob. – Good luck, Jacob.
–Thank you, guys.All right, bye.
– I’m loving this. I’m learning so much.
You guys really, um– I thought it was all
gonna just be jokes, but you give
really sound advice. – Well, I’ve had like
15 relationships and Moshe was in AA
for 30 years. – 30 years?
How old do you think I am? – Weren’t you in it since you
were like 10 or something? – I was 15 when I got sober.
– Yeah, yeah. – Sorry, 25 years
you’ve been in AA. – That’s true.
– You have a lot of work behind you and ahead of you. I really do love
your relationship. And let’s get into someone
who is also married who has a question about
being married for 9 years, Mark. Mark in Montana!
– Mark in Montana? – Lotta– I didn’t even know
so many men lived in Montana. – Mark, are you
a secret homosexual that’s been DM-ing
with a young man named Jacob? –No, no,
not secret homosexual.Been married for 9 years, not
to say that I didn’t venturewhen I was younger
with the guys, but whatever.– There you go.
– All right. – You’re married to a woman?
– Yes. –I am married to a woman,
9 years.I love my wife
more than anything.She’s my rock.
– Sweet. –But our sex life is just–
it’s just not there.I mean…Number-wise, I mean,if once a month happens,
that’s like that’s it.– Hmm.
–You know, we also havea 5-year-old girl, little girl,
that I don’t knowif that plays a part in it
or I just– I don’t know.Maybe I want some advice
on how to spark things upor I– you know, if I just–
yeah, I’m lost at this point.Like I said, I love my wife
more than anything.– Are you still attracted
to her? –Um, I think that would come
into question.Not to say that, you know,
I’m the best-looking guyout there either, but you know,
9 years of marriage.Bodies change.
You have a kid.I can totally respect that
women give up their bodies.But every time I seem
to get into shape,it almost seems like
it depresses her moreif I get, you know,
that flat stomach going.– Sure.
–And if I start hittingthe gym more,
it almost seems likeshe gets discouraged,
you know.She’s tried multiple diets
and stuff like that,and it just doesn’t ever
seem to work for her.So, I mean, is there a way
I can motivate her?Is there– I mean, or how do I
spark the sex back up?Um, and the sex is kind of–
when we do,it seems kind of, you know,
almost kind of boring.– Obligatory?
– Yeah, right. –Yeah, it feels vanilla.– Are you initiating
and she’s rejecting you? Or is she–
Why don’t you have sex? –Uh, I wouldn’t say
that she rejects meif I try to initiate it.I’d say over more
of the last six monthsshe kind of seems to like,
“Oh, just get off of me.”And not in like
that mean sort of way,but it’s, you know,
it’s just, yeah,she doesn’t really engage
too much.And like I said, I don’t know
if that’s because,you know, I’ve thrown
my body into shapeand she feels embarrassed or–– What do you do to throw
your body into shape? What do you do?
Do you go to the gym? –Yeah, I hit the gym.
You know, I don’t–I cut back on the fast food.
I fluctuate a lot.If I eat fast food
for two weeks,I definitely throw on
5 or 6 pounds easy,but it’s easy for me
to drop it off.– Do you think she would be
interested in going to the gym or exercising with you?
Is that something you could like do together as like–
because what are those things, like aren’t there like
four different ways you can connect with people?
– Yeah. – And it’s like you can give
gifts, you can spend quality time together,
you have sex. Like is there any way you could
like create some quality time but is also you guys
like working out and getting her feeling a
little bit better about herself? Or does that not even interest–
–Yeah, no, that’s the thing.If I ask her to–
hey, you wanna go–Let’s go for a run
or something like that.Let’s just cruise around
the block with the dog.She just, um, you know,
she’ll come upwith some sort of an excuse,
which I also kind of thinkgoes back on she’s just
depressed with herself.And I just–
how do I motivate my wife to–And it’s not that I don’t
tell her I love her.I do that all the time.
If she–Anytime we go out, even if
it’s to something simple–I mean, we go out
to dinner often,but the second she gets
dressed, I’m like,you look good.
You look good tonight.– Yeah.
–And so I just,I don’t really know
what else to do,and I don’t want this
to fall apart over sex.I love her more than anything.
– Well, yeah. I mean, it reminds me
of this saying from– actually from AA, which is, “if nothing changes,
nothing changes.” So you’re trying
to figure out what to do, but what’s clear is that what
you’ve been doing isn’t working. So continuing to try
to do the same– continuing to try to do
the same things. If nothing changes,
nothing changes. So you have to try
something new. Like you deserve sex.
She deserves sex. You deserve
an intimate relationship, but she also is
going through some stuff. Have you talked openly
and directly about your sex life problems
and about your worries about her self-esteem and stuff? –You know,
but the conversation,that was more of like
a year ago and…– So no.
–…the conversation was rough.We haven’t talked recently
at all, no, not in that aspect.– Yeah, I mean,
that’s what happens, right, is you have these secret– you
have these awkward things that you don’t want to talk about
’cause they’re embarrassing. You think she might be depressed
and might be depressed about her body, which is
even more embarrassing. So you don’t talk about it
and you don’t fuck, and so it’s like pouring water
on top of a terrible weed in your relationship that’s
choking out all the oxygen. – And also maybe couples therapy
would be something. – Absolutely.
Have you thought about going to couples counseling?
–No.We’ve never even
talked about therapy.No, that’s never been
brought up.– Well, let me ask you this.
What if I told you– –Go ahead.
– What if I told you I was married to a woman
who seemed depressed and wasn’t able to motivate
herself to exercise or have sex with me, and I
wouldn’t talk to her about it? What would you tell me to do? –You gotta talk about it,
so, yeah, I guessif goin’ to somebody helps
both of you out, then sure.I don’t see why
that wouldn’t work.– Absolutely, right? – And you can say too
like how important– yeah. –Go ahead.
– I was gonna say you can let her know how important it is
to you that the family stays together and how much, you
know, your child is important and how much your relationship
is important and you just want you guys to grow and have it be
how it used to be, you know? You want tools to figure out how
to get you guys back on track. And maybe she needs to go
to a therapist on her own. Maybe she still has some sort
of postpartum depression or something.
– Yeah, ’cause just hoping that she’s gonna like snap out of it,
start fucking you like a crazy, you know,
Las Vegas prostitute one day and become happy and fit
is wishful thinking. It’s not gonna happen, but there’s all these choices
you have. You have all this access–
You listen to Nikki Glaser. You know what you need to do. Get a subscription
to submission school. Watch it with your wife.
Watch some porn. Get a vibrator.
Buy her a vibrator. – That’s an easy thing,
watching porn together. – Just change something.
–I think I’m definitelya lot more adventurous than–She’s 5 years older than me.
I’m 31, she’s 36.Um, but I–She hasn’t had as many
sexual partners as I have.You know, before we got
married, we were allkind of up-front about that.So I don’t, I guess I don’t
really know how to–I’ve never freaked her out
in bed.– Well, if it makes you
feel better– –I’ve asked her
to try new things.– If it makes you feel better,
I have had sex with like 17 people,
and I thought that was so many, and then Moshe told me
he’s had sex with 400. – Well, I mean…
– So you probably haven’t had sex with that many.
– Ballpark. – A ballpark.
A whole ballpark. – Whole ballpark.
(laughter) – You can use that as an example
to her when she thinks that you’re, uh– I mean, she’s
just gonna have to step up. Like, you know, if she wants to
be like really vanilla in bed and not like try to please you
or initiate or do fun things that you might think would
be fun, like I don’t know, then maybe you will uncover that
in couples therapy and deal with that issue then.
– But she can’t step up if she doesn’t know
she needs to, and so you have to tell her
what’s going on. ‘Cause what will happen is you
won’t fuck her for five years, you’ll get frustrated,
resentful, and then you’ll divorce her.
And if that’s not what you want, then you have to get some
sunlight in your relationship. ‘Cause keeping it all bottled up
and hoping that it goes away, that’s a fool’s errand.
And if you’re really horny, I do know a guy named Jacob
in the greater Montana area, and he can take care of you
right now. – I think you guys are dead on
about the couples therapy. I mean, and I think that if you
love your wife as much and she probably
loves you just as much, she probably doesn’t want you
to be depressed and sad. – Totally.
– And that’s what’s making– this is making you depressed.
Her depression and your– You’re depressed too it sounds
like in your own way, and you don’t wanna be anymore
and you wanna get better and you want her to get better,
so– – You don’t want to feel like
you can’t go to the gym and like get in shape
or she’ll feel mad. – Just I think just
couples counseling, and she might feel
extremely threatened by that and not wanna go
’cause, you know, “Oh, that person
is just gonna team– You guys are gonna
gang up on me.” But just– You sound like
a really nurturing, caring guy. You can let her choose
the therapist. Like you can choose it together,
but make it seem like you’ve given this a lot of
thought and that you just want her to be happy,
but also you wanna be happy. And you want her to want you
to be happy and work on it together,
but I think bringing a third party in
is the way to go. – Yeah, a threesome with Jacob
for sure. I think that also the problem
is that it’s– you’re worried about
your relationship ending, so you don’t say anything and
you kind of tiptoe around it, but the relationship
is ending currently. – Wow, yeah.
– Your relationship is ending unless you change something,
so it’s not an option. When you talk to your wife
and say, “I wanna go to counseling,” it’s not optional,
because the reality is, it can end in 5 years
or it can get better now. – Do it for your child.
– You gotta change something. But also she deserves
something special. You know, take her out.
You know, leave Montana. – Yeah. We went and got
our shoes measured. – I got my feet measured.
You wouldn’t do your feet because you were afraid
of your feet on camera. – Right, right.
– Because you think too many people masturbate.
(laughing) – That’s true.
I don’t like to have my feet on camera, not because
I’m ashamed of them, but because I put them
on camera before, and people jerk off to them.
– Mm-hmm. – Yeah, but they jerk off
to your face. – Yeah, I try to–
– And your body. – And I struggle
with all of that, which brings us to…
– Yeah. – Yeah, let’s look at
our show photos. ♪♪ – First of all…
the button-down. – Yeah.
– He… he wore this button-down.
He thinks he got lucky ’cause we’re filming today that
he’s wearing this button-down. That he’s– we’re lucky,
apparently. – I don’t know.
– First of all, my brother gave me
three button-downs when I went to his mansion
recently, and he goes– He’s too skinny for ’em now,
and he knows that I’m fatter. – Right.
– So he gave me the button– He gives me all his clothes
that he’s getting too small for. – Right.
And this jacket too? You’re not responsible for that.
It’s too clean. – This was a dog owner’s that–
I walked his dog, and I think instead
of maybe paying me, he gave me the jacket,
or as like a bonus. – And, um, and how do you get
most of your shoes? – From you.
– Yeah. – Because you order too big.
– No, I don’t order too big. I order just the right size.
Did you know that he fits into a girls’ size shoes?
– Into women’s shoes? – Yeah, he wears
a 9 1/2 women’s. – They’re not women’s shoes.
Her feet are so big, they’re men’s women’s.
– No. – They’re like–
– I wear a 7 1/2 men’s, and he also wears a 7 1/2 men’s.
– No, I don’t. – I wear a 10 in women’s,
and his foot is like a 9 1/2, girls’ 10.
– Oh! – No, I squeezed into it.
– It’s really hard for him to accept.
– You know when someone gives you a present and whether it’s
big or small on you, you’re gonna accept it
with open arms? And that’s what I did. And then
I put the shoes on my feet. – Well, it’s not a present.
I was just like, these don’t really fit me.
You should try them on. – I thought it was a gift
from your heart. – No, it was from my bunions,
first of all. The opposite of my heart.
– You ever put a wedding dress on?
– No. – Wouldn’t you want to?
– No, it’s like holding an Emmy. I wanna only do it when I do it.
Right? Would you put on
a wedding dress? – Is it bad luck
to put a wedding dress on? – I don’t think it’s bad luck.
I just think that it… I would feel stupid, yeah. – But a guy puts a tux on
all the time. – Yeah.
– There’s always like that, like– you have
that certain dress that you have to wear.
I don’t know. – Yeah.
– And you don’t get to wear it unless you get married,
unless someone chooses you. – I’m gonna wear–
for my wedding dress, I’m gonna wear the dress
that Tiffany Haddish wore a million times.
– Why? She wore a wedding dress
a bunch? – You don’t know that story
about Tiffany Haddish? – I kind of remember.
– Okay, never mind. This doesn’t work.
– No, she wore it to every– – She wore like a white dress
to like every award show. It’d be so funny to wear that
as my wedding dress. Be like,
can I borrow that, Tiff? – Yeah, it’d be great.
– Yeah. – Just get ahead of it
and put a ring on your finger. Take the power away.
– I don’t even wear rings. – You know how sometimes people
will say a word to take the power away from it?
– Yes. – If you put on an engagement
ring that you bought yourself… – Sometimes I do have rings that
they only fit one fat finger, and then you just wear it
and you’re like, I’m married for the day, right?
– And who cares? I don’t know.
That’s why I wore this button-down today,
take take ownership. What, am I gonna just only
wear this on my wedding day? (laughter)