Monogamous Vs Open Relationships with Shan Boody | Hannah Witton

okay good rolling oh hey guys I have Shannon with me today we did a video last year at VidCon and so it was like happen again I wanted to make a video with Shannon about monogamy versus polyamory so I'm in a monogamous relationship and you are how would you define your relationship open open okay they're free definitely those terms what does that mean to you cuz II every open relations are different so what are your rules boundaries where do you draw the line on things it definitely is always a dialogue and I like the term free because it just essentially means that you're still an independent person to make your own decisions you're sharing time with me or sharing a life with me or in my case sharing a home would be to at the same time and you make a choice you make it for yourself but get to consider the partnership so in many ways it almost exists a lot like a friendship where it's like you might have a really good friend you're like hey is it cool if I do this but if your friend says no you can still decide whether or not it's right or wrong so there's no hard rules around like you cannot flirt with this person there's no hard boundaries there's a lot of respect I was on the view and I just hribal actually I do thank you so much no rules no like no rules I can't do this and they're doing the million all of these like mumbles yeah no you don't love your partner you're a bad person and I'm those bad things in the relationship it's interesting so I think open relationships and cold the amorous relationships definitely very often misunderstood do you think you would have that kind of relationship with anyone or is do you think it's specific to your relationship with your current partner I never really thought about it until my current relationship and how it basically happened is that we just kept deepening our bond we began as you said oh yes okay we've got buff buddies it was like a really great incredible fuck-buddy relationship and we started to rely each other for like hand going away please water my plants like you're exchanging keys and it was like I'm going to the bed you want to come with me and we just continued to enjoy each other's time and then it came to a place where we were living together and I'm like and you're like why feel like all this we had created this foundation of really looked just like friendship with a deep desire and connection like a deep sexual attraction but the same time now we were growing intimacy and we just decided to that term because I would go to New York and I can go in New York the dude when I go there who takes me around we hang out we make out I'm a sexually monogamous person which is not important to mentioning everyone has their own way defy openness but for me my desire to be in one has never been sexual based but it really has been about learning connection sometimes making now I do desire that exchange and I just don't work well with authority figure someone tell me I can't do something like no you're not allowed it doesn't work for me now that I'm in this style I'm like it definitely deeply honors me and I would want one going forward but no I didn't beforehand oh yeah that's really interesting to me cuz I didn't realize that your openness in terms of like how you personally go about it is not sexual you can have an open relationship where you're like yeah you can fuck other people at side but then you might be like but I don't choose to I just act single because when I'm single the same thing I definitely have like not been in a sexual relationships outside relationship and like over seven years so it is a single woman I might receive oral sex and that's it or I might just make out and that's it how I behave and I was single to same I behave in a relationship I'd say that that's nice because I feel like a lot of resentment in relationships comes up when you are going about your life and you feel like I can't talk to this person or and behaving rather around this person and then you feel anxious or tense and you feel like you're not allowed to kind of like be yourself in a lot of situations because of how your partner would react problems problems problems and then you end up cheating which is something that wasn't agreed in the relationship you broke down ten years in oh three seconds so I'm curious for you you describe relationship as monogamous there's a difference between open monogamish Holly Amory swinging polyamory is when all partners are equal so they don't put any specification yet primary partnership and but now the mish really is what it's like yeah we go to a strip club together and you know we both get privatizes in the bathroom or maybe we go to parties and we like both flirt with the waiter maybe we're on chat rooms and that we know we have a live webcam girl yeah or something like we have a threesome I could imagine my relationship maybe developing into something that's monogamous but currently is mostly monogamous you should be in any relationship whatever type of relationship you having having an open dialogue yes it's just so important one of the great things that I love about kind of polyamorous relationships is that I look at them and how healthy they are and how happy everyone is and how good the communication is and like oh my god from monogamous people really need to like learn from you for me it's like I'm just very happy we're very happy yes in the current situation and how it works but I don't necessarily so it's going to be like forever and that's a hell yes ads when happy questions when people are like thank you I so eventually you know move towards clothes I'm like this isn't like Mario Carpenters levels like somebody's a graduate to open hopefully this time next year I we do what entacle II write with a partnership and we have the conversations and I do think that a problem with conventional monogamy is that people look at it like okay great somebody has written the rules for me there's overhead eyelid you know I know as such if I'm in a monogamous relationship i things that we can and can't do because you know somebody has pre-written and told us yes because even if you're in a monogamous relationship what about flirting about finding someone else attractive and commenting on it sharing a bed with somebody nothing's going on but you're sharing a bed with somebody of the gender that you are attracted to because you have a lot of male friends like I was saying that I know you have a mystery relationship but I still didn't visit eventual acknowledges friends on a trip and so your relationship allows you to still continue on with not same-sex friends if I was ever in a relationship where my partner made me feel like I couldn't have male friends I'm like Red Lodge compatibility is you know is a very intricate process compatibility is extremely important but I saw that my partner are very similar in that regard like yes less sexual partners and I have had previous that's even meaning and so we both people who are like very conscious of health we get checked very frequently when we first got together he's being checked like once every two months at my bro my having sex nobody else when he was still like really really on yeah so our values in that way aligned and we knew what we really desired of an open relationship is the fact of freedom and personal choice and not having the rule I was in a monogamous relationship previously it was constant cheating nothing that soured me but I mean I was definitely mentioned to my partner I'm like if I can do the people it's okay but I know there was his rules that I wasn't allowed to and then it was lying and I found myself being the person who was going through his phone kind of figure out passwords because you become an investigator mm-hmm and in my current relationship I've never gone through this one before so either you have honest fun to me without that Commission it's just like a big red flag for me early signs it's like being distrustful and like not respecting their privacy and things like that but most people graduate to that after a few times of being wronged or some weird things that they've seen when you get step four you've got to stop and be like maybe we change the relationship style people want to be successful people don't want to be douchebags they don't want to be assholes what they also don't want to sometimes is be authentic with themselves and say I just don't function well in this style of relationship yeah some people don't do nine-to-five as well which is not how you work back let's find you in a relationship that brings out the best in you allows you to be successful and I think a lot of people find it to be a really difficult conversation to have and it is because you might be going to your partner who's someone you love and respect and because it deeply about and vice versa and you're saying to them hey I need more or I need to make different that's not the same as saying you're not enough for me and it doesn't have to like change your fundamental feelings towards that person it just means that like for you you just have other desires and other needs that's fine and I think the way that monogamy is like put on a pedestal in society it's very much like you punish yourself for having any feelings of anything that is outside of like you said so you like autopilot prescribed rulebook the other day people have multiple children not because they don't love one enough for the one enough you have multiple friends you may have multiple jobs you know a lot of co-workers that you enjoy spending time with multiple hobbies and so I don't look at it as very dissimilar at the end of the day I always say like new can't compete with old familiarity trust comfort all those things are incredible on the flip side old can compete with new novelty excitement yeah and I think you draw on the show the line in terms of your health your own emotional and physical health of course you don't want to be constantly chasing something new but if you can find a level to experience that and somebody who also in the same page like that's okay with that then that might be for you I'm a big proponent of that's not for me yeah if you could add for me to any sentence I'm not offended you've been so honorable of being like that you know we're in a monogamous relationship I can potentially see and we're open and we're always talking but right now that's not for me but I also think of it as like it's not fun it's not always just about one personal relationship those two of you may be more if you're polyamorous the way that I think of it it's like the way that the two of us work together but it's best for our relationship and sometimes you might have to put personal desires on hold on debate you on that yeah this one's to do your time okay I do think there's like five things you should not compromise on okay you dictate what those five things are so you pick the side thing you choose a 500 laughing a securely attached what does that mean somebody who's not anxious or clingy or avoided data type of life it's cool if my girl likes other dudes photos or you didn't call them and they're like where have you been all day can't do that makes my love language is also really really important oh well you'll love languages catch and then access service I'm touching what's automation oh wow you're beautiful thank you sure it is gorgeous great color my partner's is a touch and quality time you don't have to same language the other not speak to the person slang yes you know get important time and then the day pick some five things move the list you can go to the science behind happily ever after the list of 20 things are deeply important if you google that those the New York Times article I read today do you remember the like 36 yeah we follow blah blah yeah it's like a follow up from bar they'd live together and they have a contract but like not like a fifty Shades contracts but like who does the laundry who does it when you are like a couple living together it's very similar to managing a business and so it's a lot of stuff like that and they review it every so often cynical one of the things in the list is actually useful and the explanation of that is like can do laundry does fix a car does have yeah I can't tell you how many people I do that quiz with who rate that as extremely low so if a part of your top five things is that you are a high novelty seeker that you are an extroverted person the myers-briggs singing you get recharged from new experiences and meeting new people then don't compromise that that should be one of the things that you're like nah this is amazing but there's definitely things are 18 25 or even 10 on your list and you're like okay cool I could live without having all of my needs met and I think that's really important as well like knowing yourself so well in your partner knowing themselves so well sometimes you might just ultimately come to the conclusion that you're not compatible you know and like letting go of that and realizing that is equally as important as by putting in a little bit of work that require a healthy relationship to thrive I could not and I agree with you more a sense that people have to say more often is we're just not compatible in relationships a lot of times like people even ask about you know what's a deal breaker there is no deal breakers for me going in a restaurant with a guy who isn't pay is bad but for somebody who's very interested in saving money they're like wow he really is frugal and I value that so there is no set deal breakers or somebody for everybody you have to be honest about who you are to start all of your experiences of monogamous relationships been negative if you had anything I've had an amazing one in college yeah in college I had an incredible guy which is so sweet and I moved I was in school in Baltimore in K dr. Canada answer a monogamous 30-plus year marriage thing and so I mean I named them anonymous yes there is a monogamous relationship I mean everybody around us in the day as most people are in them I think they're incredible and awesome and I know people who are deeply honored by them they do know friends we should not be in a monogamous relationship this kind of relationship is not compatible with you yeah and you just do make the same mistakes a rule again so I'm not saying do it I'm not saying I'm trying to like tell the world or poison you guys I'm just saying make the list be honest about what makes you excited what brings out the best in you and then align yourself with a relationship where those values are valued what would your advice be to someone who is maybe in a monogamous relationship and it's like wanting to broach the topic how would they do that focus on yourself do not say one thing about well I just feel like we don't I get energized for new experiences I find myself going out and having a wandering eye but when I do that cuz even for me it's like I had the show I went on like over 40 first dates and some of the dates I connected with people on but when I came home it like actually me more excited to connect to my partner and because he was a part of that because he doesn't exclude himself in that part of my life did he watch the show yeah he's still like you know I bring that energy back to my partnership if you can say that where it's like this excites me and you know it allows me to come home and I feel more of an energy with you you know you focus on yourself that's I think the most healthiest way the second you make it about the relationship that's when you run into hot water I've gone through a lot of couples where it's like they just keep hitting a wall and I maybe if we open it up that'll fix things no being open is not a solution no it's not a solution for a bad religious actually because I I know people that have been my cheating in the relationship and then post the cheating then like okay fine we'll be open and then no one's happy because that's not what they wanted or it's like just not compatible and they're like well maybe if we had more people I get to talk to you less and that'll make me not here it's just like why don't we cannot talk at all anymore so I think it's just negotiating that and we live in an amazing time again where there's so many opportunities to have this discussion and you can bring it out like hey I watch this video on Hannah's – now what do you guys use like some external stimulus like a YouTube video they'll look whatever and go yeah what did you think of that even if you're just talking about it conceptually you know about your like conceptual talk as I sounds like theatre Oh hardly there's really this moon that is exactly holla yeah thank you so much salmon to come in and chat in and being on my channel we did a video over on Shannon's channel you should check out when we talked about pornography and Shannon just put my booklet exactly yeah I love your book there yeah it's lugged in me right now actually whatever that means I don't in to it so go check out Shannon's YouTube channel is incredible if you love all things sexy science even lationship being buried fascinating go fullscreen show gonna plug that Shambu to use your perfect date is a show where I go on 10 different psychological experiments to test out how people can effectively connect with one another and its really fascinating and interesting so you can go and check that out and I'm also going to be on your podcast that will be an episode of the finding books Club out that link in the description where me and Lucy in a chat to Shannon all about her show and how it relates to the game which is one of the books that we read for buying a book club so definitely check that as well please give the video a thumbs up if you enjoyed it and let us know in the comments your thoughts on monogamy polyamory open relationships where you fit with all of that mix watching bye [Applause]

Michael Martin

48 Responses

  1. What she described was my fwb relationship if we stayed "together". I would have been fine with staying with him, but meeting my current boyfriend just changed my life and views so much, the intense feeling we have for each other and the connection, a real bond… I see many relationships where people are "chill" and fine, together for years and then they just break up because someone finds what it really means to love someone and being loved. I don't regret my fwb relationship at all tho, it was fun, we had a great time and were great friends, we could have stayed together for a long time. These two relationships taught me so much about how relationships differ. A couple that really loves each other vs people who are together just because – well because they're sleeping together and are good friends.
    I always thought I'd feel somehow trapped by a relationship but I've never felt more free (6 year anniversary coming up btw – so it's not a "honeymoon" thing). We don't really have rules, but you just think "how would I feel if you did that". Privacy also just went out the window with us, we share everything, I have his fingerprint in my phone and vice-versa.
    From a social and evolutionary standpoint, monogamy makes sense since a man traditionally has to provide for his family and stds aren't an issue. Non-monogamy would only work if everyone fucks everyone and takes care of everyone and everyone's children. Men are jealous because they want the woman to carry their kids, women are jealous because they want their partner to care only about and for them and their children so they have the best possible chance in life.
    You can't possibly say your love for your kids would be the same as the love for your partner. Some even say why can I have X friends but only 1 partner? Well because if you have one meaningful one you can't possibly feel the need or have the time and energy to have another one. I'd maybe be open to open the relationship up for occasional casual sex but neither of us wants that right now or in the near future.

  2. Probably one of the best videos I have seen discussing this so far. Mature, articulate, specific with the right stuff. Thanks for sharing!

  3. I am old school, I prefer monogamy and being with that same person till death do us part.
    Open relationship are for people who isn’t ready or want to ever commit and that’s fine.

    Anybody can randomly fuck and have that 10 second orgasm but can they also do it with that person they actually love???

    What I like about monogamy, is having a BFF that is both very sacred and safe.

  4. I love how honest she is. We don’t have to understand or agree to respect and listen to other ppl and support them as individuals. We can have our opinions and not tell ppl how to live their lives. I love how she talks about how she isn’t putting down monogamous relationships just stating her truth. And I really respect that.

  5. I think this is very informative and kinda speaks to my current situation with my partner. Polyamory has been brought up and I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to be open to it but this has been somewhat of an eye opener.

  6. I didn’t feel that this video was ‘monogamous v open relationship’.
    It was just Shan Boody talking about her relationship. It felt quite one-sided, in that Hannah didn’t say much, or when she did, it was just brushed over.

  7. oh man I was looking for videos about this and this video made me feel so much better. I felt so guilty and bad today talking to my long-distance partner about my need for emotional intimacy (like cuddling and stuff) which is currently unfulfilled because of the long distance, and feeling like I'm breaking some sort of invisible boundary. Like I've been accusing myself of everything bad that people say about open relationships. I hope it'll work out because my partner is so sweet and I love him but I also have a huge crush on a very very cute girl in my town

  8. this is a really good talk on mono vs poly
    i’ve watched the video can you be in love with multiple people but she didn’t have enough space to talk and get deeper into why she prefers poly and in thisvideo she explains herself so well

  9. Polyamory is not the same as an open relationship. Also polyamory is much easier for empty nesters who are not in a monogamous relationship and have their own place. Finally, being honest at the outset is very important, plus emotional intelligence, sexual hygiene and consent matter too.

  10. Open-rel here. Lots of things to work on, struggle around, boundaries, communications etc… But it is indeed the kind of relationship that I feel valued, accepted and genuinely comfortable to communicate pretty much everything are on the table.

  11. nauseating and wrong . IF you find someone you want to hold forever, there is no desire for anyone else. when & if that ''feeling'' wears away. then you tell them goodbye. what you two speak of is your ''ego gratification'' , that comes from ''self love……… it.

  12. ok so,.. what if YOU didnt get to choose? i.e. He dictated to you that you had to be ok with him "being with" other woman? How can i form trust and a deeper connection if I feel fundamentally undermined?

  13. I’m starting to realize that monogamous relationships don’t work for me. I loved this video! I definitely needed to see it.

  14. Aww my love language is time and touch – Hubbys is words of affirmation and touch

  15. I'm monogamous at heart, but I love hearing about how other people live thier lives in all kinds of relationships. I find it fascinating that there are so many different ways to love people, to explore sexual freedom and desire and that you will find people who match you in so many different ways. It's so awesome. I also love that you talked about love languages!

  16. Being in a bad or controlling relationship where you can’t talk to other people makes you want to be in an open one. You might not necessarily have wanted an open relationship if your happy and completely satisfied in a monogamous one and then there’s long term monogamy, both parties should just be communicate, respect desires and be compatible to share there desires trusting and being able to share that is so important otherwise it’s like hell

  17. I would love to be in an open relationship, but I'm soo territorial/possessive towards all of my close people, and I it's so hard to get rid of that 🙁

  18. Shannans choices have be influenced by her previous shitty relationship. Everyone has experiences that shape how they view different things ( relationships) but she should be self aware on how her life experiences don't always translate to everyone. I think as a model for society monogamy will work better and will be less complicated since the main reason for marriage is to ensure offspring are properly raised by 2 capable adults. When we only focus on our self interest human society can become toxic. No judgement or hate

  19. Monogamish sounds alot more of my cup of tea over polyamory, not that I'm bad mouthing polyamory or anything but alot of it seems like just another form ofcswinging, Monogamish sounds pretty cool

  20. … romantic love is not the same as parental. For one, you raise children to eventually leave you. I would HOPE you don't "raise" your partner to leave you. GOD I hate that comparison.

  21. Youtubers writing books just doesn't make sense to me. I think that if we (YouTube users) liked reading books, we wouldn't be getting our information about sex or anything from YouTube. I don't think many people around here like reading.

  22. People in today’s society are always on the defensive side of these arguments because if you even consider disagreeing with them your considered rude or disrespectful. In addition those who agree with the lifestyle of polyamorist relationships throw logic and reasoning out the window! The fact of the matter is she was cheated on multiple times in one of her Monogamous relationships and felt as if should could no longer function in one. Hence her coming to that conclusion she looked to polyamorist relationships as an alternative. In polyamorist relationships you supposably can’t be cheated on, which is ludicrous because being apart of a polyamorist relationship is considered cheating you just consensually hide under this imaginary umbrella of openness therefore you don’t considered it cheating. Also she mentioned that there’s always someone out there for you and you just have to start with the proper foundation, which actually contradicts everything she’s been saying in this entire video. It’s clearly evident that she didn’t realize that until she decided to make the switch instead of coming to that realization before. If you really believe there’s someone out there for you then why didn’t you just continue your endeavor to find that relationship?🤔

  23. For me I’m on the side for monogamy relationships it's because you are emotionally committed to someone and I think it's better for long term relationships.

  24. This works for young girls at the height of their sexual market place value and then suddenly, very suddenly, it doesn't work at all…

  25. I’m in a monogamous relationship as my first relationship and I do find it a bit suffocating, I’m someone who naturally flirts and not being able to even dance with a guy at a club is something I’m finding really difficult (I didn’t know this was a boundary until my boyfriend found out and went mental, made me feel awful I had done it)

  26. Typical hedonist hypocrisy; shun morality, then tell people what they should and shouldn't do. How can anyone be unfair to you?

  27. Here is a tough one. How does one go about addressing incompatibility within a very long term relationship? Where one partner discovers they are wanting more and are open to more and the other wants nothing of it. Even compromises are seen as a huge inconvenience.

  28. I’m 100% monogamous, no having dinner with a galpal, no strip clubs, no sharing a bed with a female, no hanging out one on one with girls, no crashing on a girls couch, no flirting. 😉

  29. I am in a set of polyamorous relationships. While I refer to husbands by the monikers Prime, Secundus, and LDR… The only two main "rankings" have to do with who was there first (in the same order as listed) and where money gets funneled. The second bit is because I live with Husband Prime and that is my primary household (with his girlfriend/my prime cospouse and possibly a couple she reconnected with recently). I spend time each week at Husband Secundus place with his gf/my secondary Co spouse. I have an LDR Husband who lives across the world from me. My two in person spice game together and are decent friends. Each relationship is vastly different. Prime and I have a decent emotional partnership. LDR is my submissive. Secundus is my dominant.

    It's weird and it works for us. 🙂

    Just random sharing.

  30. I brought this kind of open minded thoughts about this an my husband took it pretty good but he said there’s no away he could accept another man touching me or just having an emotional connection with me…. where I am here kind of like “ let’s not cheat rather have an open relationship Incase in the future you find your self fond of another women.🤔 been married 12 years….

  31. I loved this video. your chats together are great, and I love the open thought and presenting of communication and fluidity per person/relationship that you both addressed so well.

  32. Theory states, polyamory means my spouses and I respect each other. Because we're not objectifying, owning or limiting our spouses for no reason.

  33. I think polyamory is fine as long as all the people in the relationship are fine with what's occurring and they know exactly what is happening. If I was in an open relationship and my partner had agreed to tell me everything, I would prefer if he told me all the gory details if he had a ONS that he later regretted etc. than if he told me he didn't aka lying which, in my book, would be cheating. If you have an open relationship then I think it increases the trust you have to have between you and your "main" partner.

  34. I don't think a lot of guys nowadays don't want to pay to save money.. it's about making the woman invest equally in the relationship and perhaps weeding out people who are too money centric. I've definitely had situations were woman took conplete advantage as well as heard of friends that have taken advantage. If you think about it, it's not very prorgreesive to expect the man to pay for everything..

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