Married But Single: Coping With An Absent Husband


Assalamu Aleikom sister. Thank you for writing in with your problem. I see that you’ve been married for
17 years and you have four children. It seems like the children are very close in age and I understand it was hard raising four children
without any help from your husband. You stated that your husband feels that his main role is to work. A lot of times husbands do feel that as long as they’re
providing for the home that you know they’re doing what they’re supposed
to be doing Islamically. However, if we look at examples such as our beloved Prophet, peace be upon him, we can see that he helped his wives. He cleaned, he mended his own socks, he did chores, so he did help out. A lot of men, a lot of brothers really need to revisit the life of our Prophet, peace be upon him, and see how he treated his families and see how he participated in the households, especially regarding helping his
wives. A lot of men could learn from that. Inshallah, we could help form sister groups or educational classes to encourage scholars and imams to really address this issue because there’s is an
issue that’s widespread among Muslims, sadly. With that said, being that he’s never really helped
you out around the house, he may feel that he’s valid and his stance that he’s provided. But that doesn’t negate in any way
what you’re feeling and what you’re going
through. I can imagine it must have been very
difficult and it’s frustrating when our husbands they’re working
all the time and they are paying the bills. However, they’re not helping out. And when there is private time, personal time, they either go out with their friends or they do something else or help only if it’s a benefit to them, as you had mentioned your husband
does. You stated that you feel that you don’t like him anymore. And you also stated that you felt
that he was interested in you. Sister, I highly suggest that you look at this this drift in a way that you’ve been married for 17 years. There’s been a lot of family
activity going on and work activity and perhaps you and your husband have grown apart. Maybe now is a time to try to really rekindle your relationship. Get to know one another again. I would kindly inshallah suggest date nights setting aside a time even if neither of you really want to do it. Inshallah, just made that commitment. So you both can said you tried to
save the marriage. Set aside like maybe one night or two per week to be for dinner or go to a movie or go for a walk. It may feel awkward at first because both of you are probably feeling
kind of angry and frustrated at this
point, but inshallah if you slowly start to rekindle that love, interest in one another, time for conversation, and time for getting close, that will be wonderful. Inshallah, you will get closer and resolve some of these issues. Another point I would like to bring
out is that if you pray together that will definitely bring you
closer. I’m not sure if you’re praying
together now. It sounds like he’s at work a lot, but inshallah if you go to the masjid together on Fridays for Jumaat and also to Islamic events that are
maybe in your community together as a
couple or even as a family, that would be a real blessing. Reading Quran together, doing dhikhr together, making duaa. I mean there’s so many things that can draw you individually and as a couple closer to Allah that will also strengthen your marriage. You might want to consider going to see your imam, both of you, and inquire if there is
any marriage counseling in your Islamic center or at the mosque. A lot of cities and towns do have Islamic courses or Islamic marital counseling
classes that you can attend that will also
help you improve your relationship, ibnshallah. A lot of times the focus
is on communication styles, coping skills, little things to do to bring each other closer to one another. It also addresses Islamic
principles, of course, and for the strongest marriages were to have a very solid Islamic foundation for marriage. That kind of goes without saying, but a lot of times we kind of get away from that when we get involved with hurt feelings, depression, feelings of rejection, feelings of not being wanted. Which brings me to your next issue of going online. I think you’re going online, I am not sure, but you did state that you recently started talking to men and you almost committed Zeena. Sister, that’s like real serious. May I help you and guide you. I understand that you’re feeling left out. I understand that you’re feeling
like you’re not wanted as a woman and it probably feels really good to
get that attention from a man because you have been lacking that
for so long. But it’s not worth committing a sin. And it’s not worth going against Allah. It’s not worth all of that comes with it. I sincerely encourage you Insha’Allah to repentto Allah for being engaged with other men. I ask you to please make duaa to Him, to Allah subhana wa
taala that He helps guide you and strengthens you so that you
don’t slip towards that road again. I know it’s hard because you enjoy the conversation, you enjoy the attention. I would inshallah suggest that even though it is not going to be
the same that you go to the masjid and try to make friends with some of the sisters, maybe join some other groups there for sisters who were married with children. There’s a lot of different Islamic
groups you could join. They will pull you away from this
temptation. Also, if you could, when you get that urge that you want
to do that, think of not only yourself but think of your children as well and what kind of example you are
selling for them. While they might not know, they could find out and I’m sure you don’t want your children to know that this has been going on. It is a risk for them that sets the tone for what kind of a
lifestyle is permissible and what is not. I sure that you would not want them to do something like that. And again, I do understand, my heart goes out to you, that you really crave the affection, the attention from a man. But inshallah just pray to Allah and try to work things out with your husband. It looks like you really have been, but this time like I
suggest to try to make date nights, try to get Islamic counseling, check and see if there’s any
marriage counseling classes in your area. And really just try to nip it in the bud while you can. 17 years is a long time. By this time you guys should be like best friends. You know what I’m saying. I’m a firm believer that your marriage spouse is your best
friend in this life. And sometimes we get lost along the
way, but it does no mean that it’s not repairable. You didn’t say a thing about any
abuse going on, any meanness on his side. You didn’t say that he was cheating. You didn’t say that he was emotionally abusing you or the children. So it seems like he’s been a good
husband he’s just never around to help. And that’s frustrating. I understand. However, that’s not a reason to
throw away a marriage or not to really put forth effort to try to heal it. So, I kindly suggest that you do try to heal your marriage and get closer to some sisters that are in your mosque or your Islamic
center and see if you could do some social things. Go out for lunch, go out for tea, go to a park with them, join an exercise class. Attempt to get some support and some communication and some outside time with somebody else other than the kids or whatever. You said that you didn’t have any family, that your family
was cut off. I’m not really clear about that. And I’m not sure why your family is cut off. That’s another subject, but I would encourage you to try to rekindle and heal and repair the relationship with your family as well. In Islam, family is very important. So that said, sister, Inshallah, please make attempts to get close to him in different ways that are not related to house chores, are not related to what you’re
frustrated about. Try to get to know each other as individuals again and inshallah when you can do that and you can reach a point where you
can just like laugh together and relax together then that’s a good time to be able to resolve some of these issues that you’re going through now with not getting any help. So with that said, please, do kindly consider these suggestions inshallah, let us know how you were doing and you are in our prayers. Assalamu Aleikom.

Michael Martin

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