Marriage Preparation Series – Predictors of Divorce

before we can talk about a successful marriage lets talk about what is involved with a successful
marriage let’s first look at the predictors a
divorce because I think with work backwards and figure out why people go wrong or why relationships
goal wrong it can better prepare us for preparing
for how to make things better or how to make things right so let’s get started now the predictors divorce or actually have founded through a study done by Doctor John Gottman he researched married couples in terms of how they
related to each other then he noticed that there were 12 essentially common factors that is so that were associated with couples who
were either unsatisfied in their marriage or who
later found themselves in divorce court so a the first one he found was starting a conversation out negatively and being very critical
at the start so the couple’s began to feel very defenses and critical each other right at the start their minds that was
already ready for battle so the approach the conversation
whatever their spouse said in a negative way that also lead to
being too critical meaning their spouse was pointing out every single flaw that they had and how
they’d be better and what needed to be fixed about their particular habits or nature whatever it was they
were just not satisfied with who they married they wanted them to somehow transform
into another person or change or be something that they weren’t and that
over criticalness basically were down essentially both par both
parties on worthy didn’t want to be in the
relationship anymore and also whenever the couple’s have a fight and the point was made and
received a great deal person got the message whether they
liked it or not they got it but the person sending that message just
kept pounding them negative words and negativity and not
letting up another one was again the sort of being defensive trended defend your
position trying to defend your decision rather
than trying to understand the other person you’re more apt to be defensive rather than I accepting that there might
be another way another one is the wall and what we mean by the wall is that you just don’t want to engage you don’t
talk about it you just want to avoid it at all costs annual and to protect yourself field is by right back because you don’t want to go
there or you’ll shut down and not saying anything and then of course there’s the emotional roller coaster this order evidence love unexpected emotional
intensity come in after you we’re gonna get you
some examples don’t worry but there’s like this
emotional rollercoaster this just nonstop you don’t know of today’s gonna
be a good day or bad day and its different day to day so this emotional rollercoaster can
cause problems as well because no one can feel stable and secure in an emotional roller coaster because
again you don’t know it your partner your spouse is going to
be in a positive mood or negative line now will get into the importance and
body language no body language is a most I think ninety percent how we
communicate the rest is the worms that we use in tone in
which we speak it and so on body language is extremely
important and what doctor gottman found was
essentially couples who found themselves later
divorced used intimidating body language and that
could be yelling screaming and to some degree crying as well as posturing themselves to overpower or intimidate the other person now this
body language ways to communicate their frustration
and anger and the desire to stop but in fact what ends up happening is people
start to feel again less secure less supported and more criticized than anything so how you communicate with your body
also makes a huge difference and one of the saddest parts relationships is when people just give
up then they can say this isn’t divorce mediator this is usually like the number one reason why I see people
at my table is because they give up and it is wanna
leave things are resolved because it’s just too exhausting to continue to fight for their marriage so they just
don’t engage they don’t talk didn’t share with a
really thinking and feeling and fear being credit criticized or home being dismissed and all these
things would have happen over time in the build couples can
build such a pattern then it means such negative memories and couples in the having more negative memories than positive ones and that’s
why I when we talk about having fun and
excitement it’s making sure that you build into your marriage some some positive experiences that you share
with your spouse and making that a priority and another big one and I even see this more
so during the divorce process of course
even though that process is extremely emotional but each person is unwilling to let the old past hurt that
they may have experienced in that relationship and that could be
in disappointments you know things that being the way the they thought it would
be feeling like this past has unrealistic expectations who they are who they
should be and so they’re unwilling to kinda let go
of that pain because somehow that pain is so raw and real for them that they hold on to it instead of trying to
work through it and let it go and when people do get into an impasse
they’re less likely said call out for help whether that be with trusted friend heart perhaps a clergy member or even family counselor they’re unwilling to
seek out helped work out their issue a whatever they can get past and I’m
going to tell you a mediator helps with communication if there are specific relationship
patterns that one person brings into a
relationship or marriage thats that’s a different sets skills
that are required usually from perhaps a family counselor an
individual counseling for that particular person that they would have to work out but in
any rate and their less likely to seek help for
themselves or for the marriage and when all things what’s interesting
is doctor Gottman found that these things to have all pull
together so it’s not just one in isolation you
can be angry in heavy arms roster using negative tone when you’re
frustrated are you have enough but its the combinational all these
things that kinda build up into this negative pool have
negative memories hurt feelings not willing to say I’m sorry not willing
to apologize not willing to admit that they are wrong
or perhaps unwilling to forgive the other person all these things come into place and again it’s not just one isolated event but something that accumulates over time
and that’s why this marriage preparation is very important
this series is very valuable because it’s going to show you sort of like how to incorporate
important skills like showing appreciation showing love talking about the things that are
frustrating you developing boundaries all these
necessary requirements have a healthy relationship and getting into having these to discussions will be far more productive then
assuming that everybody knows how to have a successful relationship duking it out and learning the very hard
for hi the very painful way and so that’s
why I’m excited to present the series to you because there’s so much to then researchers have
found out about relationships and now if we can just practice these things more often than not I think that more
people will have more successful rewarding relationships and children
will learn how to model such behavior that they learn from
their parents in the with its more constructive now there’s one thing I did want to
mention before we continue especially isn’t
relates to seventies predictors now your marriage
relationship should inspire you in make you feel loved and supported more
often than not unfortunately there are a lot of times
in which people feel like they’re the romantic partner their spouse’s
actually out to hurt him put them in their place and suddenly
becomes is very wicked power game that’s rather cruel and
meaning if that’s the case that is abuse and that is not what we’re talking about
here if you are and this power game or being made to feel inferior experience a level intimidation and the
emotional rollercoaster on a regular basis that’s not a healthy relationship and I
suggest that you seek help and get on that because no one deserves to live in torture no one deserves to
live in an abusive environment and if that is
the case please seek help and I really that extremely important to me that you recognize this
because you don’t deserve that no one deserves
to be abused demeaned were insulted on a regular
basis alright alright so that’s all me today and until next time be fair with each other bye for now.

Michael Martin

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