Marriage and Relationship: Signs of Distress (Part 1)

hello I hope you all are having a great
day this is my beautiful wife Adinah Johnson I am Nick Johnson and we are
here with another series our goal in our desire of this channel is to equip you
to empower you to have the relationships that you all desire to have and we are
here rooting and supporting you in those efforts today we’re going to talk about
predictions of marital distress okay what things happen there are actually
signs that have been identified through research that if you’re doing these
things in your relationship if you’re not currently distressed in it you will
eventually end up being distressed and we don’t want that to happen so we want
to make you all aware of those things so this is part of a four-part series where
you want to discuss what marital distress is and those characteristics in
those signs around it so I’m gonna go ahead and hand it off to Deana and she’s
gonna go ahead and take us on this journey well I think you have to first
of all acknowledge what distress is and there’s a couple of different
definitions but when we talk about distress we notice like surprises it’s
the latest thing to buy distressed jeans right it’s like something that’s already
used yeah or worn so you don’t want your relationship in your marriage to be worn
because oftentimes when that happens they get worn out
and to the point that divorce is inevitable and so you want to avoid that
so part of marital distress or understanding that there is marital
distress is first acknowledging many times it’s just a feeling or also it’s
where you just feel like you can’t go to your partner with something or you feel
like now you have to have secrets or not tell you know your partner something and
that affects the intimacy that you would have in your marriage and relationship
so usually the distress comes once you recognize that you have some unmet
expectations or some feelings that are in mid-time sense the tension you can
cut it with a knife and so that gets very difficult and
individuals usually go to closing the relationship or ending the relationship
separate and split up divorce so on and so forth you know when I think of
distress I think about anything well I think about the word stress and as you
know stress as individuals how stress is not good for us stress you know usually
you know say stress eat you from the inside out
and usually by the time you see stress in a relationship or just like a person
that prisons been distressed for a while then your body starts to act to you know
whether it is anxiety where they could be just you know indigestion I mean
anything headaches migraines all kinds of things that come out of that stress
you know I’m elevated blood pressure ulcers all that stuff but we’re
relationships we have that stress going on inside of it by the time it starts to
like show itself it’s been going on for a while yeah you know it’s been those
little things that have been kind of building up on the inside of your
ladyship over and over again and take it to the point where you started to
experience that distress where it starts to be worn and it’s just not a
pleasurable situation anymore and so the thing it is that we want to be able to
empower you all to know that you know what this these things that we’re doing
it’s going to stress my marriage cause you think about it relationships a
marriage is not a sprint as a marathon yeah so that’s why you want to be
mindful of what you’re doing because you don’t want to wear it you want it to no
age like you know cheese or fine wine you know because no you know the longer
goals no the better it becomes so that’s really what you want to have yeah and
also predict predictors of marital distress or this can also be called
predictors of divorce these are things that often times if you have these in
your marriage in your relationship you will head toward divorce and that’s
unfortunate and this is based on research I mean we don’t come on our
Channel and just talk out at the side of our neck we always have research to back
us up so the first one is escalation I want to talk about that one and that’s
escalation and is that when your partner negatively responds back and forth to
each other continuously that is escalation when you
escalate something or your partner can’t really say anything to you without you
escalating it and taking it to the next level or just most simple things I mean
and people do that all the time say for instance if somebody said oh you look
nice today so I didn’t look nice yesterday you know
so it’s like you escalate it or you say you say constantly saying something mean
or nasty to that person and so and that’s unfortunate because you don’t
necessarily want to do that where you escalate it or take it one up and it’s
always a tit-for-tat yeah is that that one up as far as escalation it it
hinders you in that you’re constantly trying to is you make almost a
de-escalation especially we do not kind of tick for tat and 1ups me ship you’re
in a competition with your spouse because if they’re doing something then
you’re like you know what I might did this but this is you dia right you know
so let’s not let’s let’s not start going on the laundry list of things that
you’ve done yeah and we can’t say well you know you stayed out last week or you
know you said our last week for two days I know just constantly over again you
know and if it’s not the case of times in that escalation your head you kind of
feel like someone did something to hurt you so you won’t do something that’s
even more hurtful to them you want to escalate it so you know I try to call
you your phone talk guess what I’m gonna cut my phone off and I’m not even let
you know where I am you know that’s really games that is not
good in a relationship and that causes your spouse not to trust you that that
creates distrust and hurt feelings when you escalate something when you take it
up and then and it’s never it’s never okay because you’re going to take it
further and then it’s going to be to the place where it’s just too far and many
people can’t come back from that and then it causes individuals to lose
dignity and respect and that’s never good in a relationship in a marriage to
not have dignity and respect for your partner
as far as escalation and always kind of up in the ante is it would also fall
into the line of these like saying whenever you’re in a disagreement with
someone saying things like you always so escalation does fall into that as well
as far as if I say that you do something like well you never do that or you
always do this so you kind of escalate it because we have we may have said this
before if not this will be the first time but they know typically somebody
never always does something typically never never does something now there are
certain situations where you say you know I’ll always love you you know we
definitely that is definitely a legitimate use of always or I’ll never
stop fighting for our relationship you definitely want that but you know in the
context of having disagreements and trying to prove points and things like
that it’s just not beneficial at all yeah those are trigger words always than
ever because it’s not correct I mean just like saying well you’re always late
always aim not one time right yeah what about the time I was in the car so in
that creates escalation because now you’re thinking about something and
you’re trying to prove your point or make that person wrong yeah or you never
remember my birthday no I remembered it you know I never yeah
you know many moons ago I did get it one time right and that’s the thing to a
broken clock is even right twice a day where is a day yes yes yes so it’s not
always or never and that’s unfortunate when people use those escalating words
mm-hmm so as far as things that we want to be mindful of and this is gonna be we
have for ya know characteristics or traits of relationships that can lead to
distress and possibly divorce and that first thing we’re gonna we’ve discussed
this escalation okay well and we don’t like to talk about divorce however it is
a part of life but many times in vigils divorce in their head before they
actually go through the paperwork so part of the distress is separating and
divorcing from that person in your head before even talking to them about it or
you know making it final sure there is often an emotional disconnection or
emotion divorce before the physical divorce comes so you wanna our goal is
to assist you all and avoiding both of those things so that’s definitely the
case but we want to keep these things out of our relationships so that we
don’t have to go down that road so that’s it an escalation that’s it so we
are going to ask you to stay tuned for the next part of this series as we want
to get into the remaining three characteristics of relationships that
predict distress as always we ask that you would like share and subscribe go
down in the comments section tell us if you thought about escalation and your
lationship have you dealt with escalation or did this make you think
that man you know sometimes I’m guilty of escalation because I mean as we go
through this list I’m gonna share some things that I’ve been guilty of I’m not
guilty necessarily of escalation but there’s
been some things I have been guilty of so I make sure that’s disclosed as well
yeah we always do that we’ll share what we’re guilty of I don’t think I’ve been
guilty of escalation in fact I don’t remember I think this is one thing that
we tried to put a handle on at the very beginning of our marriage yeah but I
will be I’m guilty of a couple of them coming up so alright so thank you all so
much once again that’s my beautiful wife Adina I am Nick I thank you so much for
subscribing and watching and liking and we will see you all again in the future
have a great day thank you

Michael Martin

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