Making Relationships Work | Part 1 | Dr. John Gottman



you all hear me is this is this good a good distance from the microphone well 35 years ago I started doing some research with my best friend Bob Levinson who also wound up being best man at our wedding and and 35 years ago Bob and I got together because our relationships with women weren't working very well and so unlike the the self-appointed gurus you'll see on afternoon television we really didn't know anything about how to get along with women and so we started this research really hoping that eventually we'd learn something that would help us in our relationships and and we really had no hypotheses and I've always always think about Isaac Newton who the great physicist who who once said non Fingal hypotheses I do not frame hypotheses so I thought that was pretty good as a start and so Bob and I really brought to the field of the study of relationships colossal ignorance and awareness of our ignorance so we we started doing research by building a laboratory where couples could come at the end of the day and just talk about how their day went after they've been apart for about eight hours and while they were talking to each other Bob Levinson had a computer that in the 1970s was able to synchronize the video timecode to the physiological data we collected so as couples talk to each other we were measuring simultaneously their heart rates their blood velocity to various parts of their body how much they were sweating from the palms of their hands and we even put a little meter under their chairs called a gigolo meter to measure how much they jiggles around why did we do these things we had no idea we just thought it'd be kind of fun and we had couples talk about an area of continuing disagreement a conflict that they had and and then a positive topic and then we showed them their videotapes and asked them to turn a dial they told us what they were feeling and we interviewed them about specific moments that we didn't understand at the time asking them what they were thinking and feeling during these moments and when I came to the University of Washington about 23 years ago I built an apartment laboratory which was sort of like a bed-and-breakfast getaway setting on the medical school campus and it's on the Mount Lake cut where all these beautiful boats were going by and and we try to make it as much as we could like a bed-and-breakfast getaway except there were three cameras bolted to the wall and the couples wore two channels a holter monitor measuring two channels of electrocardiogram and when they urinated we took a urine sample to measure stress hormones and we took blood from them to look at the immune system and people were coding their facial expressions in the control room but aside from that it was a very relaxed bed-and-breakfast kind of setting and uh and you know about twenty years into this research my friend Bob came to the University of Washington to give a talk and and a professor I was collaborating with asked the question he was a researcher Neal Jacobson who did research on couples therapy and he said well how can all this research help couples and Bob said I'm proud to say in the 20 years that John and I have been working together we've never helped anybody and that was true we were really getting paid to watch couples deteriorate and and making a living at it and so we really did a series of research studies trying to look at the masters of relationships the ones you know who really stayed together didn't get divorced and we're pretty happy more or less and the disasters are relationships the ones that broke apart and the ones that stayed together and were unhappy as well Bhavana also studied gay and lesbian committed relationships for a dozen years in the in this 35-year period and we really were able to study couples across the whole life course in fact we're just completing a stud be in the Bay Area now that we started 20 years ago with two groups of couples a group of couples in their 40s and a group of couples in their 60s and our oldest subjects are now in their late 80s so we're just finishing this and across the whole life course we've looked at transitions to becoming parents what happens on a baby arrives in the relationship how does it affect the relationship how do relationships affect babies can we predict anything about development and and we found to our great surprise that we could predict as we follow couples over many many years with over 90% accuracy what would happen to a marriage by just observing couples in our in our laboratory and I think nobody was as surprised by this these findings as Bob and I were because at the time psychologists really weren't very good at predicting human behavior individual behavior and the people who are on our tenure and promotions committee really said to us if you can't predict one person's behavior how can you predict two people you know you'll have you'll square the amount of uncertainty but it turns out that relationships have an enormous amount of stability so that even from the first three minutes of our conflict discussion a couple is having we can predict 96% of the time how the entire conversation will go and from the conversation we can predict with high accuracy whether a couple get divorced or not how happy they'll be and in fact one of my graduate students Allison Shapiro who studied couples and last trimester of pregnancy was able to predict the child's temperament and the child's neurological development and reduce 50% of the uncertainty in looking at the first three years of the baby's life just by looking at how the parents argued in the last trimester so we found an enormous amount of predictability and what I like to do in the you know in the short time I have available is to just go through giving you an idea of what we learned and and how we understand this so I think that Bob and I were kind of like the early astronomers who look at the heavens and try to see patterns in the motions of stars and planets and indeed there were there patterns that could be understood that the early astronomers looked at and ptolemy of course is known for over a thousand years having been able to predict lunar eclipses and very accurately predict the placement of stars and the planets and the moon but he didn't know why he didn't understand a why it worked that way except to say that as aristotle said the heavenly planets must move in the perfect circle which turned out not to be true it wasn't until Isaac Newton that we started really getting theory so I want to take you through knowing our 35 years of research in which our first question was could we find any patterns that discriminated the masters from the disasters of relationships and second what theory could we develop to understand those patterns and only when we develop that theory what we able to design interventions to help people and so these are all scientifically based interventions that my wife Julie Gottman dr. Julie Schwartz Cottman and I designed together and she's the one who is really concerned about helping people so that's what led to the Godman Institute interviewed her about it to try to find out why that was so interesting Dart so let me tell you how we were able to discriminate the Masters and the disasters of relationships one of the basic thing that that when I was in graduate school there was a book that came out called the intimate enemy it was written up by a guy named George Bach and his idea for helping marriages was that the problem in marriages he said was that people didn't air their resentments so he had partners face one another and take turns telling one another what they resented about each other and he even designed these foam rubber bats that he manufactured called the Takas and they would take turns whacking each other with one of the bats I really resent you didn't take out the garbage whack and then I really resent that we don't have sex anymore lack and they go back and forth and that was kind the state of the art when I was in graduate school and after hundreds of research studies we've now learned that when you do that people leave more resentful than when they came in there is no catharsis effect for anger and resentment and basically what Bob and I found was that what discriminated the disasters from the masters of relationships was that the masters were really very gentle with one another even when they raised an issue they raised it as if it was kind of an invisible soccer ball that they were kicking around together they took responsibility for even a small part of the problem whereas the disaster has really pointed their finger at their partner and were critical and their attitude was that they were kind of diagnosing their partner's personality defects and wanted to be really appreciated for that by their partner and and they were hoping that their partner will respond by saying thank you for pointing out all the ways in which I am failing as a human being can we have lunch next Tuesday so we can talk about this some more you are such a wise person John you know thank you so much

Michael Martin

33 Responses

  1. Masters” vs the “ Disaters”
    1) The masters were very gentle with one another even when their was an issues. They treated the issues like an invisible soccer ball they were kicking around together. They were taking responsibility even for a small part of the problem.
    The “ Disasters” point their fingers at their partner’s and were critical, their attitude was like they were diagnosing their partner’s personality defects, and they wanted to be appreciate for that by their partner’s.

  2. After being in relationship with Wilson for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr Zuma zuk and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: [email protected] or call him +2348164728160 you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

  3. I am fortunate to have been happily married to the love of my life for over twenty-five years. We've had the kind of relationship that others envy and many people who know us well are amazed at how well we get along. I bought your book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work to see how your research compared to what we have in our marriage and I found it compared favourably. After reading it, I realized that my husband and I would probably be called Masters by your definition. In fact, we would probably rank in the very top of the Master class. I'm so happy that you have been able to make this information available to so many people and sincerely hope that they will apply it to their relationships.

  4. Good stuff here but I had an unfortunate experience with a marriage therapist that used the Gottman method. It came up that my husband tested positive for herpes. She says, "herpes isn't a big deal these days". My jaw hit the floor! It most seriously is a big deal if you don't have it. Who
    in their right mind says, "Herpes? Not a problem. Sign me up for oozing sore breakouts for the rest of my life! I'm sure any future partner I might have will be totally cool with it too!" I really should have reported her. Also, you have to keep in mind that you are made to sign a contract that gives them permision to video tape your sessions.You may not want your private life floating around like that. It's basically signing away your HIPPA rights.

  5. My name is Maria Johan from Malaysia. My boyfriend left me a month ago
    and he was leaving with another woman who is 10 years older than him,i
    feel like my life is completely over. I read over the internet how a
    spell caster have help several people to get there love back. I have
    been depress for the past one month and what i need is to get him back
    and live with him happily. so i decided to give it a try so i
    contacted the spell caster called Dr. Oniha and explain my problems to
    him and he cast a love spell which i use to get my boyfriend back and
    now my life is complete and both of us are very happy with the
    relationship. and i am throughly grateful to this man,his contact
    email is [email protected] Thank you very much and i am extremely
    grateful Tel: +2347089275769.And there is know evil attach to his
    spell.it will only make your relationship very stronger.

  6. After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the other ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is [email protected] you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other problem. Or WhatsApp number :+2347056683626

  7. He says one squared equals two?
    1 squared is still 1, not 2.

    At 5 minutes and 28 seconds into the video.

  8. John Gottman's research has made a significant contribution to bringing the field of study of relationships and marriage so much closer to the teachings of the Baha'i Faith making the art of unity, creating harmony, compromise, loving consultation, using a kindly manner in communication, realizing that a kindly tongue is the loadstone of the hearts of men, etc important in making relationship work and be stable.. I deeply appreciate him proving how science and true religion are in harmony.

  9. I wish there were more videos, I re-
    watch these videos and I learn something new every time, he is a great teacher.. I cant wait to get all of his books.. Please post more videos..!

  10. Karen, that's an *unrelated* advertisement, which you happen to be seeing on youtube's webpage — it has nothing to do with this video, nor w/ Gottman.

  11. Hello, I think quality relationships are as well about longevity because they are good enough for lasting… if you have a relationship that does not work after 6 months, for example, might be that it was not that good after all. But this is just what I think is not that I think it is written in stone.

  12. Karen-it is garbage. Gottman isn't selling that, it's spam. J. Gottman's work is highly researched and respected. Just thought you'd like to know…

  13. Ummm…I've just checked out this GettingBackTheEx.info and this dude wants money…pffft! What a load of claptrap………as usual just another lot of gabbing on, then wants you to 'PAY' so he can tell you about txts you can send your ex to get him back. RUBBISH!!

  14. Gottman is a such a great scientist. His research is fantastic and he's so good at talking about it and explaining it.

  15. @jacksonVile
    Couldnt agree with you more girl! That program
    offered by the site:
    GettingBackTheEx.info
    is really awesome! I used it and suddenly my
    ex boyfriend is calling me, begging me to go
    out with him again. I might make him beg a lil
    more though. hehe..

  16. Discriminating masters from the disasters in relationships: How to air resentments! How can you be gentle when you're feeling unappreciated? This is a MUST SEE video series!!! #human #relationships @damnitstrue #love #women #men #help #science

  17. This video is so excellent, I can only imagine there aren't too many comments because everyone is so intrigued and interested in what Dr. Gottman has to say!

  18. @emhycwl i agree there is soo many products and techniques its hard to know which one to choose, lets just say ive spent alot! i dont regret a moment because i now have an awesome mentor and making enough to quit my job. if you take it seriously you can have an income in days read this => bit.ly/RChvP8?=mcmyt

  19. @xvzktry
    My ex came running back to me after 3 weeks. You just need the right technique. If you want to learn, watch this –> bit.ly/Msl9iJ?=xkaimn

  20. I think my wife is a master while Im a disaster. But I honestly think my wife has issues, so why shouldn't I point them out when she confronts me? I rarely try to be upset enough with something to start an argument. She on the other hand is driven by her friends opinions and I get blind sided ever so often with some friends opinion of what i did or didn't do. She searches my phone and email and though I have never cheated, I do keep in contact with my ex's and she nags and nags about it.

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