Ivan Aristeguieta – Opening Night Comedy Allstars Supershow 2018


*speaking in Spanish* In English, I know English, Australia.
‘Hey howya goin’, you oright? F*ckin…’ People are afraid of marriage because they think marriage is for the rest of your life. Um… It’s not. I’m divorced. Marriages have different shelf lives. Some marriages have the shelf life of Vegemite That sh*t lasts forever Some marriages have the shelf life of an avocado Day one is fresh and plump and
ready to go, and so green And next day it’s just brown mush ‘What happened to avocado? I had so many plans for avocado’. I paid so much money.’ I’m divorced, people ask me if I’ll
ever get married again and I go ‘F*ck yeah’ I would love that. I’m very romantic and
very passionate, that’s the cliché of my culture And it’s true. It’s true. I would love to get married again And a friend told me, ‘Why? It’s not a horseback riding accident. You don’t have to get back on the horse’ And another guy said, ‘It’s just a piece of paper’ Just a piece of paper! Since when is a piece of paper just a piece of paper? When we’re kids we are told that a piece of paper is the most important thing in life The most important thing in the
entire world is a piece of paper. ‘Hey Timmy, how was your day today?’
‘I had the best day of my life!’ ‘Why was that?’
‘Because I’m part of the footy team and we had a footy game this morning and it was awesome.’ ‘Alright, you score any goals?’
‘No, no goals’ ‘Any good passes, any good marks?’
‘No nothing I was on the bench all the time’ ‘Alright, did you guys win?’
‘No, we lost pretty badly’ ‘Timmy, why are you saying that you had a
great day today?’ ‘Well, because after the game, my coach and my teacher they gave me this piece of paper.’ ‘It’s a Certificate of Participation.’ ‘And my coach and my teacher say that a Certificate of Participation is a very important thing’ ‘It’s more important than winning,
scoring goals or even playing’ ‘And I have learned that a piece of paper like this Certificate of Participation is very important’ ‘It’s got scribbles. Scribbles at the bottom.’ ‘It’s got the scribble of my coach, and the scribble of my teacher, and I am very proud of my piece of paper, I love my Certificate of Participation’ Pieces of paper is the only thing we trust. ‘I’m a doctor and I can cure people’
‘Can you prove it?’
‘Here’s a piece of paper’ ‘I’m getting on this aeroplane, I’m going to Melbourne’
‘Can you prove it?’
‘Here’s a piece of paper’ ‘Hey Australian Department of Immigration’ ‘Here are all the pieces of paper you asked for so I can have my visa’ ‘Can I get my visa now please?’ ‘No mate, those pieces of paper are wrong’
‘Why?’
‘You need certified copies’ ‘How can I get a certified copy?’
‘Well you have to go to a JP.’
‘What’s a JP?’ ‘Well a JP is the guy who says that this piece of paper looks exactly the same as this piece of paper.’ ‘And how can he do that?’
‘Well mate, he puts a scribble on it.’ ‘Can I just put my own scribble on it?’
‘No mate, you have to become a JP.’ ‘How can I become a JP?’
‘Well you have to do a course, and after the course they give you a piece of paper.’ ‘With your name, and scribbles on it.’ Pieces of paper is the only thing we value. ‘The house is on fire! Hurry up get the kids, the dogs, and the pieces of paper!’ ‘Which pieces of paper?’
‘The ones with scribbles on it!’ Marriage that piece of paper is a Certificate of Participation in someone’s life. And I’m very happy that I get to live now, in a country where everybody who wants to enjoy that piece of paper can enjoy that piece of paper. LGTBQI, yeah! All of them. And D. Divorced people. My divorce papers are like a diploma to me. It means I have learned something. ‘Hey babe, I have no idea what to do to have a successful marriage, but I certainly know what not to do.’ ‘Can you prove it?’
‘Yeah, here’s a piece of paper. Look.’ Thank you so much Australia, my name is Ivan Aristeguieta, goodnight!

Michael Martin

12 Responses

  1. The first time I heard Ivan Aristeguieta was in a podcast back in 2011… He was awesome then, he still is awesome now… Saludos, Ivan!

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