Is Porn Cheating? (What is monogamy?)


Is it cheating to watch porn while you’re in a relationship? I am sure that you have an immediate, decisive answer to that question. Drop it in the comments below right now. And here’s the thing. Someone else has an equally immediate, equally decisive answer that
is the opposite of yours. I wanna talk about why that matters, not just to whether or not you watch porn while you’re in a relationship, but also to the entire
idea of monogamy itself. (riveting music) But first hey there, if
you don’t already know me, my name is Brian G. Murphy. I’m an activist, educator and
certified relationship coach, and I help guys like myself
build and sustain relationships that are fun and fulfilling. Okay, so porn, in my mind
we’re all already doing it, but for a surprising number of people, watching porn while
you’re in a relationship is actually pretty contentious. And I think that that
disconnect has implications that go far beyond whether
or not you’re watching porn while you’re in a relationship. So if you’re in a monogamous relationship, and most relationships
are structured that way, you probably have a pretty clear idea of like what monogamy means to you. But it might not be the same thing as what your parents think monogamy is, or what your college roommate
thought monogamy was, what your best friend thinks monogamy is, or maybe even what your
boyfriend thinks monogamy is. For most people, you’re either
monogamous or you’re not, and if you’re not monogamous, then I guess you’re in some sort of open or polyamorous relationship. But I think rather than
being a black and white, either or, yes or no situation, that monogamy and nonmonogamy
exist on a spectrum, or a gradient, and we draw the line of what monogamy is or is not according to our own
personal values, ethics, levels of comfort, what our parents think, what our religion teaches,
what our friends are doing. And that is actually very different from person to person and
relationship to relationship. Okay, so here’s a list
of hypothetical things that you might be doing or want to do. And I wanna know where
you would draw the line at where cheating happens. Are you jacking off alone? Are watching porn? Are you jacking off with someone? Are you dancing with someone else? Are you going on a date? What even is a date? Are you swapping blowjobs with someone? Are you having full-blown
sex with someone? Are you having sex with
someone multiple times? What about webcamming? If you’re watching, is there a difference between watching porn and
watching a live webcam model that you can’t interact with? What about if you interact with them by sending them text messages, but it’s sort of a CAM4,
Chaturbate type situation where they’re broadcasting
and you’re one of many faceless people watching? What if it’s a Skype thing,
where it’s a one-on-one thing with a total stranger? What if it’s a Skype
thing that’s one-on-one with someone that you know? Where do you draw the line? There is no right or wrong
answer to any of these questions. There’s not a one-size-fits-all
definition of monogamy, let alone how to structure an open or polyamorous relationship. It’s not a problem to draw the line anywhere you want to draw it, the problem comes in when you’re drawing in a different place than your partner and you don’t know that,
or you don’t know for sure but you have a pretty good idea that you’re drawing a line in a different place than your partner, and you’re just not talking about it. So if you’re gonna be
monogamous, or not monogamous, getting clear on where that
line is is super important. It’s really easy to think that of course, monogamy is very clear on what it is, and of course you know
exactly what that is, but my invitation to you today is that whether you’re monogamous yourself and you want to stay that way, or whether you’re considering polyamory or an open relationship, to really take some time and get clear on what you think monogamy is for you, and if you want to stay monogamous, what you would like
monogamy to be for you. This is especially important
if you’re in a relationship with someone right now. And it’s gonna be important for you as you enter into your next relationship if you’re not in one currently. And so talking about sex and monogamy can be a super scary thing,
I totally understand that, even broaching the conversation of can we define what monogamy is can bring up feelings of
insecurity, inadequacy, you might worry that your partner’s gonna judge you for this,
will think it’s weird, those are totally all
natural, normal reactions. And I think that sort of
feeling those feelings and having the courage to do it anyways and sort of get clarity on the
structure of the relationship is going to set a foundation for success for you going forward. And so I would take some time to reflect on what is or is not comfortable for you, or what you think is
allowed or not allowed in the current confines
of your relationship. And then find a way to
open up that conversation with your partner. It doesn’t have to be in a
way that changes anything, or you can just say like, I
want some clarity from you, can we define what it
is you think is allowed, or what you think what it
is that we have agreed to. This is an opportunity for
some real growth and depth in your relationship and it gets ahead of any potential
landmines in the future where you’re operating under
one definition of monogamy and your partner’s
operating under a different definition of monogamy and you or they do something that then causes a crisis, feels like cheating,
feels like a betrayal, so by getting clarity now, it’ll help you have a stronger, more fulfilling
relationship over time. So that’s my invitation for you, if you feel bold and want
to share what your idea of monogamy is, I would
love to hear from it in the comments below. If you have any questions about monogamy, open relationships, polyamory, head on over to braingerald.com/hello to ask them directly to me, of course you can always
drop them in the comments. I would love to hear from you so that I can make videos and resources that are more useful for you. That’s all for now, I
will talk to you soon. Bye. And remember to subscribe for new videos every Wednesday afternoon We’re talking about all the things that gay guys need to have relationships that are healthy, fun, sexy, and fulfilling Ok, bye for real now

Michael Martin

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