Is Marriage Counseling A Waste Of Time? | Paul Friedman

Hi, my name is Paul Friedman founder of
The Marriage Foundation. Today’s topic is about “Marriage Counseling Being a Waste
of Time.” Now, I used to be a divorce mediator so virtually, all of my clients
came from marriage counseling. Now I want to acknowledge that most of you are
asking that question for the wrong reason. You’re going, is it a waste of
time is my marriage already over? Well, let me first tell you that the
chances are your marriage is not probably over and although marriage
counseling may be a waste of time it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make the
right kind of effort in order to save your marriage, it can be done. When I was
initially looking for people to train in my system, I came across an incredible
therapist. His name was Paul Hagenberger and he passed away. He was one
of the few who had a great list of successes. Why? I said Paul, you don’t
really need The Marriage Foundation methods because your system already
works. He goes, “I know but I like what you’re doing.” He had read one of my books
Breaking The Cycle and he saw that my approach was completely different from
what normal marriage therapist offer which is therapy and you don’t need
therapy. You need mostly education. Now if you need more than that it’s rare and if
you need more than that there’s other ways of dealing with it
but let’s get into what happens if you go into marriage counseling because if
you do it’s going to probably be a disaster. Look, it’s human nature to be
competitive, we’re all competitive and I know a lot of you go, “I’m not
competitive.” Yes, you are just ask your spouse. When you’re competitive
and your spouse is too and you go into marriage counseling the first thing that
happens is you’re vying for the attention of the therapist. You want them
to be on your side which is insane when you think about it because you’re not
supposed to have sides in a marriage. You didn’t know that, did you?
You’re going, “Well, he thinks, she thinks like this and I think and she thinks
like that.” Well, you’re supposed to learn how to communicate so you’re both on the
same page, what is the essential ingredient in your marriage? It’s love,
love doesn half-sites, love doesn’t care about this little thing or that little
thing, this little flaw or that little flaw, love is all-embracing but you
don’t know how to get there. So what happens is people go into
marriage counseling, they think they find a great marriage counselor, and they
think it’s the answer because we’ve been fed that for decades and it’s incorrect.
One of the things that got me into marriage healing was I was driving
in my car and I heard on NPR this show where they were saying marriage help
marriage counseling is only effective less than 6% of the time and I’m
thinking less than 6% of the time. Why would they even be in business? Well
look, it’s not really their fault. There’s not a general understanding in the world
about what marriage is supposed to be. Look it up, what’s the definition of
marriage? Go ahead and google it. You’ll see, it’s crazy. There’s no real defining
principles about marriage. Well, why did you get married? Well, some people say, “I got
married because I fell in love with her I fell in love with him.” No, why did you
want to get married? If you do go into marriage counseling ask the
therapist say, “Why did we get married?” The therapist will go, “Hmm, let’s talk about that. Why did you get married?” No, it’s not that
individualistic. There’s a universal answer. The universal, “I’m not going to
leave you hanging or in suspense.” The universal answer is you got married to
be happy. Duh, so what’s the universal answer
to, how does everyone get happy? New cars No, that’s temporary
that’s not marriage, a bigger house a nice apartment, having kids. Well, that’s
cool. No, not everybody wants kids. There’s a universal answer. The
universal answer is because I want to feel love, that’s it. It’s so simple, isn’t
it? But when you go into marriage counseling and I don’t blame the
marriage counselors, I mean they start out in high school not really knowing
what to do and psychology seems cool and marriage counseling seems like there’s
plenty of business so they get into it but it’s not like being a doctor even if
they have doctor as part of their title it’s not a doctor like a medical doctor.
A medical doctor has taken very specific courses about the organs, the blood and
all of these very down-to-earth practical things but psychologists when
they become doctors they do a thesis on some random topic. Look, you really can
save your marriage, I promise you, you can and I’m gonna tell you how to do it.
First, please don’t go to marriage counseling, it’s a waste of time, it’s a
waste of money but what’s worse it’s a setup for prolonging your agony and
reducing the chances for success for your marriage and that’s just factual
that is not my opinion. People say, “Well, that’s your opinion.”
No, that’s factual. Look it up statistically
that’s the reality but you can save your marriage. Our program which is only for
the worst cases, and yours probably isn’t so the worst cases are infidelity and
take it from there but it’s that level of problems in your marriage
but most problems where people go “We really don’t know how to
communicate.” You can solve everything with either one of my books, it’ll work
but if your marriage is on the brink because if there already is infidelity.
Yes, you need the individual courses that we have at The Marriage Foundation and
that’s what will help and it’s guaranteed. You find a counselor who says,
“We’ll save your marriage, it’s guaranteed.” You’re not gonna find it. Why? Because
they don’t know, they don’t understand marriage. I feel so badly, I feel like I’m
putting them down and I don’t mean to. They’re really good people. They’re
really sincere but they only learn what they learn. Here’s the bottom line. This
is the bottom line. Why do you want to find a marriage counselor? Why are you
even asking is finding marriage counseling going to be a waste of time?
Because you want to save your marriage or because you’re so discouraged with
where your marriage is that you’re not sure if it’s worth the extra effort that
you would put into the extra money which translates into effort that you would
put into your marriage. You’re just not sure
so I guarantee my program. I don’t care into my books obviously, so many people
read my books and they love it I mean you could just take a look at the
reviews and you’ll see and our success rate with the program is over 95%.
It would even be higher but we encourage people who aren’t sure to
try the program with this incredible guarantee.
You have a guarantee, not a guarantee that we question you but it
guarantee. If it didn’t work I mean you get your money back, it’s very simple. Why,
because we understand marriage. The Marriage Foundation is all about saving
your marriage so I’m trying to steer you away from quicksand which is what
marriage counseling in and get into something that’s really going to help
you. Look, over the decades that I’ve been doing this I have seen what other people
call miracles. I’ll give you one example. When I was training, this is my first
batch of therapists who I was training into my methods because they are sincere
and they do want to do better, and they asked they said, “Can we please see
someone you have worked with?” And I was reluctant
I mean people — I’m very respectful of people’s privacy but I asked someone I
recently worked with to come in and share his experiences and I didn’t know
what he would say. And afterwards, one of the therapists looked at me like this he
said, “What you did with him is impossible.” Apparently not, why isn’t it? I’m a
quadruple Capricorn so everything has to really work or I don’t say it works
so there’s milestones, there’s expected progress, there’s an enthusiasm level
that I encourage. It all comes together and it works and I want you to have that
experience. I want your marriage to work. All right,
that’s it. If you are inspired then like this video, share it with your spouse,
share it with others if you want. If you have a comment, put it in, happy to speak
with you in that way about what we’re doing, about what your particular needs
are, how you perceive them. I know I’ve put a lot
in front of you right now but your marriage is very important. Do you
realize it’s the most important decision you’ve ever made in your entire life? And
I don’t care if it’s your second or third marriage, it’s still the most
important and saving your marriage is the most important thing for you to have
on your to-do list right now. Don’t give up. Please, don’t give up. Don’t
be discouraged. There’s rarely a need to be discouraged I mean it happens where
we come across some cases like the wife or husband have moved out and
moved on started another family and people are reaching out to six months
later. Okay, we can’t help in those cases but otherwise, we probably can help you.
Big probably, not a maybe probably. Thank you.
Blessings to you, blessings to your spouse, blessings to your family. Thank

Michael Martin

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