In a relationship with a Borderline?



we're in a good place now if you are listening to perspectives with passionate virgins welcome back live to perspectives and I'm your host Ashley Burgess you're talking about relationships tonight we're talking about those relationships that we don't necessarily understand you know those relationships that we have and some of y'all might be in them right now or up is down and down is up and you never know what's gonna happen you know in the beginning of the relationship it was fun it was exciting it was arousing and all of a sudden things started changing hypocrisy started entering play dr. Jekyll mr. and mrs. Hyde started beginning and he started seeing these different personalities coming out he started another there's something wrong but you didn't know exactly what it was you know some people call it the elephant in the room you know other people just wonder what is going on am I losing my mind is there something wrong with me I've been good up to now but something seriously wrong and so tonight we're talking about those relationships that you seem to not be able to pinpoint the problem but you know there's a definite problem we're talking about borderline personality disorder tonight and borderline personality disorder is a condition that is onset when people are children and it's all defined by the relationship the child had with mom and dad and exactly what took place I don't know that people sit there and say wow why do we always have to put things our mom and dad why can't people get past that but there are certain things that we learn as children that are very difficult to get past especially when we don't know that it exists or especially we don't have a definition for it or we can't really pinpoint it so tonight as we talk about borderline personality disorder this might awaken you because it's surefire awakened me I started realizing a lot of things about a lot of things pretty quick and I've read a lot of books on borderline analogy disorder I've read a lot of books on it but I'll be honest with you they were hard to decipher they were hard to decipher because a lot of things kind of sound like each other so if any of y'all know about mental health you know that there's things called borderline personality disorder there's things called depression manic depression bipolar I know everybody's heard of the bipolar one right oh she's just bipolar and so we have all these things that people like to group stuff and to other things and then there's this whole thing called medication that people take and then you just really never know what's going on however once you understand what I'm talking about tonight this is gonna impact your life for the rest of your life you're going to learn some stuff tonight and we're gonna have some fun but you're gonna learn some stuff but it's gonna actually open your eyes it's a probably something that's been going on in your life for a long period of time now this could actually open your eyes to dealing with your parents meaning one of your parents is borderline personality disorder okay what if it's your wife or your husband your spouse your girlfriend or boyfriend even more than that any relationship what I'm gonna be talking about today applies to anybody's relationship okay and that's key because borderline personality disorder doesn't just start and stop in a love affair or in a marriage and you can find that and it's so great because you're gonna be able to define it see it understand it get it and decide if you want to deal with it or if you just had enough this is all gonna happen tonight I know this is a big night but this is something that needs to be talked about because it wasn't until the other day that I figured out something that was monumental in my life I was able to figure out a situation in my life I was able to figure out a family member that has and demonstrates qualities of borderline personality disorder and I was able to understand that and I was able to also understand the relationships and also I was under able to understand why I would ever put myself around other borderline personality disorder suffering people because it was normalcy okay and so think about that it was normalcy so a lot of times we have a family member and it doesn't have to be your mom or dad this could be somebody that you're close to like an aunt and uncle even a cousin that you spend time with that you got to know and that person has borderline personality disorder or it was deceased and had it and you're used to being around that and we're gonna talk about the symptoms we're gonna talk about what people do when they do have borderline personality disorder as well as the major traits that we see from someone that has borderline personality disorder and how you can start figuring out who's who and what's what because in this scenario when you're dealing with someone with borderline personality disorder it can make you feel very out of control it can make you feel very confused I just had a friend of mine that was in a relationship with a woman that had borderline personality disorder and they dated for about seven to nine months and she broke up with him quickly over something irrational it was like something about he didn't visit her when she had a cold one time and so she decided that was it with the relationship and it wasn't until I sat back and started thinking about it because he took it really really hard like he took it very painfully it wasn't something that was easy for him to deal with and he's one of those people that can clearly bounce back from things you know he's a good old boy a good person and I kind of started like looking into that particular relationship and as I peered into different aspects and I started realizing different traits and different indicators I realized that his ex suffers from borderline personality disorder and because of that when you are with a borderline when you're in a relationship with a borderline you already feel out of control and the reason for that is because there's a lot of splitting a behavior and splitting a behavior that's more of a that's more of a therapist term splitting a behavior but what it means is you're going from one extreme to another so you got dr. Jekyll and mr. mrs. Hyde okay that's a good example and you don't ever know what you're get and you also don't even know what makes one of those personalities comes out so for example you could come home tonight let's say tonight you're driving home your listen to the show you get home and you walk in the door and you ask your wife how are you doing how are you doing could be the catalyst to a very nice and and good conversation or how are you doing could be the catalyst to I hate you I'm gonna throw things I'm slamming the door you are awful get out of my life and there's a lot of things that can happen and because your world is kind of turned upside down you feel as though you've been placed in one of those ninja blenders right you feel like you've been placed in that blender and it's like you've been shot out of a cannon and the next thing you know you're trying to get out of that blender and as you get out of the blender you obviously can't stand straight up because you're completely you know out of sorts and when you finally start getting your footing and your sea legs you might say you get put back in the blender because that's what a life is like when you're living with a borderline so we're gonna talk about we're gonna begin talking about borderline personality disorder in the fact of how certain traits exist because there's certain specific traits that define this condition separately than all other conditions and I think that you're gonna feel as though you've learned a lot tonight because this is this is a big time once you get this type of knowledge understanding and knowing people is a piece of cake because it's one thing to deal with depression it's another thing to deal with mania it's another thing to deal with bipolar but it's another thing to deal with borderline and the big difference between that and borderline and all those others is that borderline almost cannot love a borderline would rather love someone that they cannot have who's married who lives in another country or their ex-wife or ex-husband than to be able to love anybody that they can love because getting close to people is they'd be is it's like their kryptonite okay and they want to almost pervert things that are on a loving nature because of the relationship that they had with mom or dad so let's begin talking about these specific traits and I think this is interesting because some of the traits will combine with other type of clinical definitions however once you see the full picture that I'm paying for you picture this Italy 1932 I like to do that I used to love the Golden Girls I still like the Golden Girls but I remember that picture this Milan 1942 no but as I paint this picture for you and you begin to see what exactly I'm talking about this is gonna open some doors this is gonna open your brain here and start thinking you're like oh my lord oh my stars oh my goodness I wish I would have known this before but heck it's better late than never you know you all heard that song borderline by Madonna over the borderline remember that keep on pushing my love over the borderline yeah that's all about borderline personality disorder by the way I know it's some major stuff here okay so we're going to talk about that let's talk about the first traits of a BPD of a borderline personality disorder first off impulsivity so they're very impulsive okay and I got a lot of people say well I got a DD and I'm very impulsive I'll go out buy a you know a pair of $2,000 boots and then I'll feel bad about it cuz I got you know retail therapy stuff going on and all that but I'm talking about impulsive on every single level sexually impulsive like outgoing lis impulsive impulsive on every level and impulsivity is a very interesting thing because it can go from one extreme to the other what about passive aggression and I know that a lot of us say hey sometimes when I get angry I might get a little passive-aggressive but this is a constant with a borderline they don't argue and they don't fight fair straight up they do not fight fair they never have and they never will I don't know if you remember but it's kind of a dramatization obviously but a long time ago on one of the Seinfeld episodes Lane was dating a guy that had gone through a series of big-time breakups and on the first date she's at the restaurant waiting for him to show up and the waiter walks up to the table and says are you Elaine Benes and she said yes yes I am and she goes well I have a note from so-and-so he's not gonna make it he got stabbed well anyway her interest in this guy now that he got stabbed by an ex-girlfriend gets very interesting and she's very enthralled with him and she ends up going on a date with him and sooner than later he starts making comments about how she has such a big head and all these other things and she starts believing that she has a big head to the point where a pigeon like literally flies into her head and the guy was like it's like he couldn't even miss it or something it was so huge and I know that's a dramatization but the way that border lines fight and the way that they argue is dirty fight now when we return you're talking about that we're also gonna be talking about more of the traits of a borderline and how you can define it and how you can understand where you are so stay tuned because perspectives with your host me Ashleigh Burgess we'll be back in we back this time in two shakes turn it up and jump in the deep end on perspectives now here's Ashley welcome back live to perspectives and I'm your host Ashley Burgess tonight we're talking about borderline personality disorder what you need to know and how to deal with a situation where you find yourself with a borderline and what I'm talking about actually is dealt with by a lot of people I just found out the other day that one out of four men are borderline disorder and I think it's one out of three women and so this is a big time thing this is big and once you are able to define and understand what borderline means you can begin to understand the situation that's arise what is actually taking place because when you don't understand something when I was a child you know I grew up having a condition that nobody understood nobody could figure out and nobody could define and it wasn't so I was in my early 20s when I actually got a definition and I actually got a word for what it is and yeah I understand 180 people had in the world and it takes a long time to figure that out but until I got an actual hey this is what it is here's the definition it made me feel better because I was able to understand it I was able to grasp it because we can define something we're able to deal with it when we can to find something we can't put our finger on it it's harder to do to deal with think about it when was the last time that you tried to deal with something that you couldn't see and he didn't know where it was coming from I mean think about this in a fight scenario there you are at a place and all the lights go out and all you feel is someone punched you in the face but you can't see where it came from and you have no idea how to survive you have no idea how to count or measure that because you never know when the punch is gonna come again because you're in the complete dark you can't hear anybody moving around you have no ability to hear where it's gonna come from and you're just a sitting target waiting to get punched again and that's how borderline personality disorder that's how it may feel to the person in the relationship it doesn't understand what's going on think about it when all the lights are out and you don't even know that anybody's there and you get punched in the face and you can't see anything and you can't hear anything you're just waiting what do you do and so tonight I'm giving you the information to turn on that light and to be able to counter-attack these situations or to be able to put it define it understand it to help your relative to help your spouse to help your friend get some help or to ultimately realize that maybe it's time to exit stage right so let's talk about more about those traits and let's talk about these traits tonight because I think it's very interesting because these traits define impulsivity passive aggression lying lying is a big deal lying is a big thing for a borderline they'll lie about almost everything stalking stalking is a big deal too if anybody that's dated a borderline personality disorder that's somebody that has that they have probably been stalked not either on Facebook or at their home maybe countless text messages emails but the funny thing is is that they have a flip-flop side so they might go crazy and call you a million times and then for a month not even speak to you okay and then when you see them again they don't explain where they were they don't offer explanation they might make a joke about it but that's about it and if you ask them what was going on they'll deflate it they'll turn it on you or they'll make a joke you'll never get an answer to the reason why they took off you'll just never get it and if you want an answer you'll you'll be there for the rest of your life waiting on an answer because they'll never give you one because there is no answer they were right there the whole time they just didn't choose to to call you and there's a reason for that we'll talk about that later poor self-worth is AB is a big one too when when people are dealing with borderline they have poor self-worth they have low self-worth because as a child they had problems with self-worth and it doesn't get any better unless you deal with it when you're an adult if you avoid and you feel like you're worthless you're gonna always feel that way and some of us have to get to the point where we seek help because a lot of us do have worth issues okay I think that's across the board for a lot of people I think a lot of us don't feel like we're worthy that we're good enough because we were kind of raised that way to believe that we were put down enough that we started believing it whatever it was we felt like we were unworthy what about drug and alcohol abuse that's a big one drug and alcohol abuse that's a big one because a lot of borderlines don't want to really deal with reality and they sure don't want to deal with love so in the beginning of a relationship with a borderline which is interesting the relationship normally starts off hot and heavy there's a lot of intimacy a lot of sex and it's extremely good and that's the thing is that the person that doesn't have borderline that's in this relationship gets all intertwine with with the sex and they don't realize that the sex is almost a game it's really kind of a game to totally get into your mind – totally manipulate you and take over and in their mind when they're having sex with you they're not there's not it's not a making love thing okay it's a I want to be the best so this person never forgets me so I am ingrained on their brain because when I take off I'm gonna make them hurt okay think about it so the sex is used as a weapon its uses it as a technique for manipulation for control for power and on the flip side something I think is interesting is when it comes to a male component someone that's a male of borderline if he gets to romantically as far as mindfully romantically inclined to some woman okay so think about it if a male borderline gets too close to a woman mentally and emotionally before he has sex with her when they do try to have sex he won't be able to actually you know take it to the bank so to speak and and there's a reason for that – because sex again has always been used as a control factor it's always been used to produce the so-called emotional connection the so-called love but when there's actual feelings the borderline doesn't even know to do with it and it's interesting because if a borderline really likes somebody and really actually might have feelings for them they'll actually usually stop having sex within period and will avoid them at all costs if that makes sense and we'll go more into that later on because I know that this sounds a little out of the box but as you begin to listen to this and as you begin to put together the pieces it might not have anything to do with you or anybody you know but you might have a friend that you can see is going through turmoil because they are dating or married to a borderline and they're doing the best they can to either keep the peace or to keep their brain intact you know I have a lot of male borderline a lot of male clients they have borderline wives and one of the biggest things that they talk about is that they just try to be quiet they try to be the best husband they can be they try to be like they Leave It to Beaver family anything they can do to just not rock the boat because they know that she'll go off and this has been going on for years and they have children together and they're trying to keep it all together but yet they don't have much of a life I mean to sit there and realize that every day that you go home every night that you go home you know that you have to keep it together be as quiet as you possibly can be as quiet as a church mouse and say as little as possible that's not a life that's not a marriage I mean what is that and I have to do that for five 10 15 20 years I mean I have coins that have been doing this for 25 years and they're counting down the days till their last child graduates high school so they can finally be free okay this is excruciating and I've dated a borderline before I've actually dated three a long time ago and all three of them Wow oh my lord and it was well because all three of them are very interesting two of the three had you know very good jobs hi Liam loyd high education level um you know had brothers and sisters although all of them are very quick to when we met it was just like a quick connection almost too quick I would say when I look back at it and I overlooked a lot of things at the time you know the next thing would be that our relationship started hot and heavy and it was it was like a Jedi mind trick it's like every time we hung out and stuff it was fun but there was a lot of time in between where I didn't really know what was going on and it seemed like there were two sets of rules like Ashley can do this but the other person could do all that and if I ever questioned what they were doing or what was going on there was never either either no response like I didn't deserve a response or or I didn't I wasn't allowed out response or they would kind of make a flippant joke about it like a flippant type it joke about it or they were just skim over it or they would turn it around on me and be like well you weren't around or you were all preoccupied it was always something and I'll tell you one thing is that I always knew that something was going on I didn't really know what was happening but I knew something was happening and that's the thing that I'm talking about tonight is a lot of us watched CSI okay some of us watch different type murder mystery films but the concept of the murder mystery film is to figure out okay there was a murder who did it where is the murder weapon where do we find it and when we watch these films we normally get integrated with the fact that we want to know everything when we think something's wrong in our relationship we want to be able to pinpoint it we want to be able to find the bloody knife in quotations the bloody knife meaning what the other person is doing nail it down know it who they were hanging out with and what was going on but when you're dealing with a borderline you're never actually going to find the murder the murder weapon in this case the murder weapon would be whatever the borderline did that they don't want you to know about and you're gonna know that something's going on and you're gonna feel that something's up but you're not going to be able to define it and you're going try to hold out to look and to figure it out but sadly enough this is going to get you more in the system in that blender not knowing who you are and starting to second-guess yourself stay tuned return me talking more about the traits of a borderline and what you need to know in this relationship to safeguard yourself stay tuned because perspectives with your host me as the Burgess we'll be back in we back this time in two shakes Jake Busey and you're listening to perspectives with Ashley Burges welcome back live to perspectives and I'm your host Ashley Burgess tonight we're talking about borderline personality disorder what you need to know and how to safeguard yourself you know a lot of times we go into relationships and we really don't understand we don't really think about it we're not we're not analyzing baggage or not really going through the most so we're kind of just like man we fell in love really quick I have a lot of emotions for this person and all of a sudden one day the hammer drops and you're like what the heck is going on here I thought everything was okay now you're about to chop my head off well when you're dealing with the borderline you don't really ever know what's going on it's hard to put your finger on the pulse of the situation and like I was talking about earlier before the break is that a lot of us watched these murder-mystery shows where we watch these shows we watch these dramas where we want to see okay who got murdered and now who murdered them what do they murder them with and why do they murder them okay we want to know all this information the same applies when we're in a relationship think about it you know something's going on behind your back but you don't know what it is I know there's something up I know it but I just can't figure it out and so you try to find out and you try to get clues and you try to get more clues and you try to get more clues but the thing is is that you keep coming up with nothing because you don't have enough clues and when you're dealing with a borderline personality disorder when you're dealing with somebody that has this type of situation you're never gonna have enough clues the borderline that whole sit situation creates all this other stuff so yes there is something going on sure you know that but there could be 1015 things going on at the same time the borderline has borderline okay and so that alone is gonna have a lot of judgment being clouded because you don't know what's gonna happen you don't know your head from your bud okay and what happens when you're dealing with the borderline is you're dealing with like somebody that has the lack of empathy okay so think about that empathy a lack of empathy the ability to feel you're not with somebody that can feel okay that's like top top deal right there is that in order to be with someone else that's a human being in any sort of relationship you have to be around someone that can feel and that can feel for you okay not sympathy empathy and a part of empathy is also love if you think about it and this means that it's almost almost like 99% that a person with borderline can't honestly love another person because they aren't able to because they don't love themselves they self loathe okay and a lot of this came from mom and dad so for example let's talk about this real quick if you're dealing with the male borderline he could be your boyfriend he could be your spouse now there are several things that could have happened with him and mom maybe mom wasn't getting enough attention from dad and so she looked to her son to give her attention some of that attention could have been almost sexually oriented and I'm not saying that she was you know sexually abusing her child but I'm saying that it was a little flirtatious a little on edge not something not the way that you act around a child another thing could be that she was not happy with her husband and would make comments about how awful her husband is how awful his dad is and so there's two things that the son can do one he can sit there and side with her and say he's awful but the problem is is that he's a product of the father so if the dads all well then he's got to be awful you think about that okay on the flip side he could be upset with mom for saying that and fight with that orc inside now for a son that was raised in a family when the father died or left and he sees his mom betting random men lots of different men if he walks in and sees that okay two things can happen one he thinks that mom is uh is a whore okay and he automatically defines her is so and hates her for it okay and in turn sees all women that way and intentionally hates all women subconsciously on the flip side same scenario woman's the mother is having a sexual intercourse with several different men what have you he sees it instead of categorizing mom as a whore he categorizes mom as this is okay because instead of defining his mom he decided if she's doing it then this has got to be okay so I'm going to okay her actions and make that okay in the process of that he grows up to be very sexually engaged with very with very many women okay he get sexually engaged with lots of women and he sees women more as a sexual object than anything else see there's a lot of options there's more options here we'll talk about this later like a daughter that's raised by a father that's either borderline or has these traits is more likely to date a man that has borderline because she's used to it because she's used to those ups and downs she's used to the lack of empathy she's used to the impulsivity she's used to the the self-worth issues she's used to the rageful outburst she's used to it and because she's so used to it it's second nature so you know girl meets a boy that sweeps her off her feet it's a fast whirlwind relationship and all the sudden she's throwing into that Ninja Blender but the thing is the reason why she's there in the first place because she's used to it okay she's used to it the interesting fact is that a lot of people will always say that the once they figure out that somebody's borderline they always realize it they consider it the best sex I ever had but the absolute worst relationship they've ever ever ever ever been in and the reason for that is is that a borderline doesn't know how to love they only know how to have sex okay and if they start to feel loved in parentheses and quotations are about you they will run as fast as they can because it's all about control and it's about power and it's about putting you down to raise them up and their self-worth and you might say you might be one of these people because I know there's a lot of women and then out there y'all are caregivers the caregivers raise your hand even if you're driving raise your hand the caregivers your unique and borderlines really go after you because guess what you'll stick around longer than anybody else will because you think you know what I'll be the one that can save them I'll be the one that can change them I'll be the one that shows them that love is okay I'll be the one that will break that shell and they will fall in love and happily ever after and they'll get over all the issues in their past and we'll move on together and I would love to tell you Savior that this is gonna work caregiver sadly enough it's gonna pull you so far away from your center of gravity you're not gonna know who you are anymore there'll be a time when if you finally remove yourself from this relationship you'll go all over the universe you know praying about how God helps you because it will take you at least eight depending on how long you've been in the relationship if you've been in the relationship more than a year two years it might take you a whole year to get over it because it is a mental emotional Jedi mind trick that borderlines do to people because that's what they know that's what they use so some of the other traits include having affairs drug and alcohol use now Affairs that's to make them feel better because more people want them okay because they don't have self-love and so they actually have self loathe they loathe themselves and so now if more people like them and they're into more people then that's great they'll do a lot of flirtation as well around the office and it may they might flirt with somebody for 10 years and never actually follow through but they like the fact that somebody actually is thinking about them and it's funny they might even flirt with somebody and eventually when the time comes where they actually have to make some sort of action they'll run away from it they'll stop calling they won't be around and they'll stop the flirting pretty quickly you know also extramarital affairs but also rageful outbursts rageful outbursts are a big deal because there's a lot of rage there's from extremes and there's a lot of outbursts and yelling and screaming that comes out for no reason I mean use it there need to check yourself and you go with it was there somebody said was it something I did but when you really realize that it had nothing to do with you okay you're the scapegoat though but it had nothing to do with you so stay tuned when we return you're talking more about the borderline traits and then later on in the next hour what you can do to deal with it or move on so stay tuned because perspectives with your host me Ashleigh Burgess we'll be back in we back this time and two shakes get in here you're listening to perspectives with Ashleigh Burgess welcome back live to perspectives and I'm your host Ashley Burgess tonight we're talking about borderline borderline personality disorder and what that means you know a lot of times in life we meet somebody that we get engrossed with very quickly we get in messed with very quickly we have a fast whirlwind relationship where wow it's the best sex you've ever had everything seems great and then all of a sudden BAM the hammer Falls dr. Jekyll mrs. Hyde or mr. Hyde shows up you don't know who's gonna show up either day you don't know what to say or what to do because it seems that no matter what you say or what you do they're gonna yell at you and off and on you'll get glimpses of hope where maybe they're just going through a phase maybe it's just stress at work maybe it's just family issues and then you start going through this stuff and you start wondering but eventually as he hears pass if you're still in it you realize it's not just a phase and tonight we've been talking about borderline personality disorder and the traits of a borderline and so we've talked about impulsivity we talked about passive aggression we talked about lying and stalking the lack of empathy empathy is a big deal that's also defined directly to love you can't be in peak aunt be empathic you really can't love somebody honestly poor self-worth drug and alcohol abuse extramarital affairs rage full outburst depression and suicidal ideation so think about that a lot of depression there and that's why a lot of times borderline gets defined wrong basically they see a patient so patients will come in and they have depression and so they automatically say they have depression but they don't take a look at the other extenuating circumstances and so they put them on to present medication but it doesn't work and that's why a lot of people who are married to spouses you have depression and they've been on medication they go we don't know what's going on they've been on medication for five years they've changed their medication every six months nothing's working well you know what they've been misdiagnosed okay and it could be borderline personality disorder and that's what you need to know because if it is maybe they can get some help or you can also figure out what and you can get some help – what about the inability to hold on to difficult emotions and the ability I'm sorry the inability to self-soothe you know because a lot of times we take it for granted the ability for us to kind of deal with their own issues to have emotions that we deal with because most of us deal with stuff on a daily basis and we take it for granted that were able to deal with that but some people can't they aren't able to they have self-harming behaviors sometimes accident prone cognitive disorder projections they have that splitting that I love you that hates you concept and that's a big deal – that's one of the biggest biggest biggest biggest traits of a borderline is the I love you I hate you within the same hour within the same minute they can love you and they can hate you and you have no idea why it changes seriously they've written books on it one book is called I love you I hate you don't leave me I hate you don't leave me and I read that book it's on borderline personality disorder but it was very questionable because the problem was it never really defined it and so there were even more questions and answers when I read that I thought it was a good take on it and I liked the title but I thought they could have gone a little further when they were really defining him they're physically a volatile they're violent they are very big into rebound relationships they can have some OCD and some anxiety they self-sabotage themselves and they have an incapacity to want you unless they can't have you and let me define that real quick because this is a big deal because borderlines liked the idea of being with somebody that they can't really necessarily be with so either the married person that they that they like the person that lives on the other side of the of the globe think about or their ex a lot of times border lines are still in love with their exes their ex-wives their ex-husbands and the thing about it is is that the love is kind of it's not really a real love but that's all they can think about because it can't really be attached to anything that they can be actually attached to think about it and so a lot of border lines go around their whole life thinking about the one that got away and the one that got away there's probably a lot of issues there but the thing is that they're unattainable they're unattainable but they'll go through their whole life thinking about that person there's a lot of extreme jealousy as well a lot of narcissism being bigger than life and the extreme jealousy thing is interesting to you because they're extremely jealous of anybody they're with and when that when the person they're with literally almost has to give up their life as far as a life outside of them because they're extremely jealous but on the flip side the person that's dating them can give up their life but the borderline won't and will maybe go out several nights in a row and never even say where they were or what they were doing as long as you're at their beck and call though it's okay and the funny thing about it is is the more you're at their beck and call the less they want you so if you're actually there and a good person and care they don't really want you that much and what kind of relationship is that think about it's like the whole idea of well I'm not gonna call her for four days and then when she calls me though I'm not gonna respond for X amount of time it's like what is up with the game plan and if you love game playing and you like it as a sport and you don't mind getting emotionally screwed up in the head date or marry a borderline because this is the ultimate game plan this is the ultimate mind game play okay because you won't know what's happening this will be the game of a century for you and it will last your whole life and it will be difficult to get out of it I mean because the borderline concept there's a lot of codependency but there's also a lot of selective memory think about it they're very quick to not think about something that they've done but to think about the problems with you okay they'll find problems with you and also their memory is very selected so depending on what they've done they might not remember that but they'll remember everything that you did that they're not happy with and I think a lot of people can relate to this and is starting to think about it in their own backyard when it comes to a relative or when it comes to a friend or somebody they're in love with or been in love with or somebody they're currently married to is that you're never getting anything right okay you're the problem see and you you don't know why because you've done everything you can you've done everything right but you're still the problem and by the way they'll let you know about it every single second they can you know a lot of times it's control issues and that's what big deals that a lot of this is all based on control I'm gonna start outburst I'm gonna get rageful because I'm controlling you okay I'm gonna control you to get meek to get quiet to lose your personality to come home and walk on eggshells and better help it I don't yell you that's what this is all so there's a lot of blackouts not remembering what was going on and that's also an easy way out too and I know that there are blackouts and it happens but it's like you can't ever put your finger on things you're held to a higher standard than they ever are even though they'll point out all your flaws for all you women out there if you're with a borderline male you will never feel tall enough you'll never feel thin enough you will never feel busty enough okay for all you men with borderline females you'll never be a good enough caretaker you'll never be a good enough breadwinner you'll never be tall enough you'll never be successful enough you're never enough it's never ever ever enough and you will always try to get their admiration and you'll never ever get it and do you see the combination of the reason why people get into borderline personality disorders with people like that is because they're used to trying to get the same thing from their parents they're used to trying to get that same thing like in a borderline when you're a male and you're with a borderline female you just want her to sit there and say honey I'm so proud of you you've done such a great job you're such a great caregiver you're such a great breadwinner you're totally successful and I appreciate appreciate every single thing you do for the family except for you're never gonna get that you're never going to get that and you never got that with your family either okay so whether it was your mom or your dad saying hey son you did really great you didn't get it and so you're looking for it and someone else is not going to give their approval either and that's a big deal as approval okay and that's something that a borderline will hold over your head they'll never give you approval and they'll never give you a compliment you will never get a compliment and if you do it has to do with something totally different and you better watch your back so stay tuned we're eternally talking more about borderline personality disorder the traits but also how you can deal with certain situations that happen and how to move on so stay tuned because perspectives with your host me I see Burgess will be back in and back this time in two shakes you're in a good place now you are listening to perspectives with Ashley Burgess welcome back lives two perspectives and I'm your host Ashley Burgess tonight we're talking about borderline personality disorder what it is what it means and what you need to know to safeguard yourself you know I talked about this earlier that you know that song by Madonna over the borderline that's exactly about borderline personality disorder it's about dealing with someone that has the traits of being very passive-aggressive having depression self-loathing you know having a splitting type personality loving you and hating you in the same moment dealing with a personal sabotage and the incapacity to want you unless they can't have you as well as extreme jealousy narcissism being grandiose selective memory recall black or white thinking and this is a big deal because like it's everything or nothing you know also the same time they can have verbal exhibitionism meaning that they'll talk about sexual things verbally that can actually make you feel very uncomfortable and it's almost like they do it on purpose and the weird thing about when you're dealing with the borderline is that when they start doing this instead of just getting up and leaving you don't you sit through it you sit through it because it's the game being played and a lot of these times when that is being said they're actually playing with your emotions because that usually means that you've gotten under their skin and they're not planning on having sexual relationships with you but they're going to be intriguing and to hold the carrot and by the time after the dinner after you've gotten done and that person's been talking like that they'll go home it's all about power it's all about control and that's what's an interesting concept so if you've recently been on a date and y'all have been having sex and having a relationship and what-have-you and then all of a sudden the other starts talking some very sexual type talk at the table and you're thinking okay well I guess this is where this is going and the next thing you know like good night you're probably dealing with the borderline think about also eating disorders emotional blackmail this is Association also kind of just being sporadic and a lot and very rigid at the same time and the funny thing about it is they're normally attracted to inaccessible women or men or also long-term or long-distance romances and I think this is interesting because when we look at this type of concept a lot of times we can find ourselves in a game playing type phase like this is a relationship where there's a lot of game playing going on there's a lot of game playing you don't really know where you stand for example let's say that you're a woman okay and you've been dating this man on and off and let's say that he made plans with you about a week or more in advance okay made plans with you let's go out Saturday night we'll go out to dinner we'll do this stuff and you're like oh that's great so you're waiting for you go through the workweek and you know Friday you get some rest cuz you know that you're gonna be seeing them on Saturday kind of looking forward say what you're really looking forward to right but you're trying to keep it on the down low but he never he's never firmed it firm it up he's never calls he never texts you throughout the week to say anything but you kind of just figured that maybe you know y'all make it on Saturday everybody's kind of busy and so you're kind of sitting around wondering what to wear for the occasion and you're thinking yeah he's gonna call soon I'm sure that's a fine tune our date and then he started a maybe he's forgotten about it because you haven't heard from him and you're like huh and then you know the time passes for the date it was a seven o'clock and y'all are talking about getting together in the past he's always come to pick you up at your house or your condo or apartment and you kind of go well maybe he's just been busy he'll be here that was a seven o'clock at 8:30 you realized nope he's not showing up and this stuff's intentional by the way nobody really thinks or forgets that they had a date planned on Saturday do you think and do you think they go through the whole week forgetting to call you think about it if a guy is excited about about somebody they'll go the extra mile to make certain that they're still on the same page for Saturday night because they're looking forward to seeing you and anything else outside of that is pure not pure its adulterated manipulation anything outside of that is manipulation to not call to not firm up dates to make the whole agreement to not catch up and to leave the person hanging is all intentional and it's funny that if you're the woman and you actually call him to see where he stands or call to see what's going on he's actually learning how much bad behavior he can honestly get away with and what you'll tolerate and guess what it sets the tone for the future what's to follow I mean you know honestly I've been in that situation before back when I was in the dating scene before I've been married I've dated three different borderlines and it wasn't until last few years that I was able to really diagnose and understand exactly what was going on caliber in all those occasions during some part of our relationship they would make plans talk about it say how great it's gonna be and then two days before it I would not hear anything and then the day over the night up I would just expect everything to be as it usually is where they come by and pick you up or whatever no they don't show up you know so it might be several days after and so you hear from them and they never talked about where they were and they never even bring it up this is manipulation and if you call them on it to see if they're okay cuz god forbid there's got to be something wrong I mean they must be dead they must have been hit or killed on the highway right because something must have happened don't you love that when you don't hear from somebody and everybody goes oh have you checked the hospital you think they're dead no they're not dead they're does not calling you solid manipulation so your brain automatically goes to something bad happened when in reality he's out doing whatever he wants to do he might even be sitting at home laughing and you play right into the are you okay think about it and what we should have been doing what I should have been doing is saying oh but that's it but when you're dealing with a borderline you're so messed up in the head emotionally because they literally everything that's up is down down is up you start feeling like a caretaker caregiver and also the sex is good so there's spirals everything together and you just play right into the hand again you play right on into that same hand again and that's the things that they start realizing what you'll tolerate and they like to deal with people that are more of pushovers because they can take away all their power now if they actually end up getting on a date and going out with consecutively somebody that does have power power in their field power emotionally that kind of thing they'll try to break you down hardcore okay it's almost like you've just entered a cult they will try to take you down and break you down as much as they possibly can and leave you with nothing nothing but the sex was good so think about it a lot of times we deal with a borderline we deal with hypocrisy we deal with a POC receipt and that's what keeps us confused and off sinner because you get used to it by now that whatever you do is not okay and whatever they do is fun and and they're going to ask you a lot of questions about your if you're being genuine if you're being honest but when it comes to asking them questions they don't tolerate that that's not tolerated not part of the deal it's like they literally wants you to be naked quote naked mentally and emotionally while they are completely guarded and completely hidden on every level and that's something that we have to know is that when we're dealing with borderlines this isn't you going crazy this is you dealing with the situation and you're dealing with somebody that doesn't have the capacity to actually honestly love and we have to sit there and get out of the caregiver mode and realize that we have to give care to ourselves because in this relationship if you don't care for yourself no one else will no one else will because it's really crazy it's a scary relationship it's scary because you're out there with a wing and a prayer and you're gonna be taken down piece by piece and so when we return to me talking more about the traits of a borderline and how to kind of understand where you stand why you got there in the first place and how to start moving on stay tuned because perspectives your host me Ashley Burgess we'll be back in be back in two shakes turn it up and jump in the deep end on perspectives now here's Ashley welcome back lives two perspectives and I'm your host Ashley Burgess do I know about at this point that some y'all are saying hey my radars pretty sharp my radar is pretty sharp and I have a good beat on things but I'll tell you one thing when we're dealing with borderline it's hard I mean your radar might be sharp when it comes to almost everything but except when you're falling for a borderline because this guy or this gal in the beginning seemed so wonderful you can almost hardly believe it that you found another person that's so cool and so awesome it's like you've been wishing for this kind of connection for absolute ever and now it's finally here but you know honestly as this relationship progresses you're gonna feel increasingly frustrated you're gonna feel confused and you're gonna be ultimately tormented you know because this guy or this gal that was fantastically open and interesting keeps shutting you out and you end up painfully longing and yearning for the way it was in the beginning this is one of those relationships where it's interesting how the beginning was the best the best the best will ever be that was it that was there because swept you off your feet you're like man this is what I was looking for the whole time ha this is great I can't believe this this is what I wanted and a lot of his fantasy the fantasy of the relationship the fantasy that this person that you've been looking for for a long time with these traits actually exists and the sex is amazing and the connection and the chemistry is amazing and all this stuff's amazing until they shut you out and it will ultimately shut you out and the interesting thing is that instead of like being shut out and then us walking away wewe try to get in contact we try to get their attention we do whatever we can and that can take a day that could take a week that could take a month that could take a year you get back in it again you start all over again it's crazy it's cool it's it's tormenting but yeah then you go through the whole process again you keep doing it you keep doing and you keep doing and keep doing it some people do this for a lifetime I mean it's it's unhealthy because it's taking your will lip I mean this is like having another job but an emotionally and mentally and physically draining job because you never know what's happening you know and it's funny because when we talk about male borderlines they're more likely to choose or select a woman that he honestly perceives as being needy or less powerful than he is you know think about any woman that's really honestly whole to him like a whole person or has maybe greater resources than he has or is recognized higher than he is think about that that activates his abandonment fears the fear of being abandoned okay because the control factor is not there because if he does choose a partner who's relatively sound who's relatively healthy he's going to systematically tear her down and make her question her own worth and think about it in this way he's always in the driver's seat and the abandonment concerns are averted because the thing is is that they've learned this from a child they don't want to be abandoned they have abandonment issues and when I was talking about my family member the family member I was talking about was abandoned by their parents and I can kind see some of the situation because they have a tendency of seeing things very black and white and this person in particular makes snap judgments like like that like if somebody does something that they don't find right they'll cut them out they'll cut them right out and it could even be a family member they'll just cut out they won't talk to them they'll stop communication with them they'll cut them completely out of their life and I've seen this person do that at countless times they even did it to me for a while they even did it to me for over five years and think about it it's like I've and I've realized it now when I sit back and I look at it is it's textbook borderline you know when a parent abandons a child at an early age that child knows abandonment that child knows what it feels to be abandoned and guess what that child never wants to feel it again and so instead of later on down the road working through it does never want to deal with it they'll run from abandonment they'll run from relationship to relationship they'll do a lot of extramarital affairs just because it makes them feel better about themselves because sex is kind of like a glory deal and you know they're gonna see things very black-and-white when it comes to other people they're not going to look at what they're doing but they're gonna look at what everybody else does and make decisions based on that and when you're dealing with a borderline you're dealing with a lot of that they make a lot of decisions on other people they make a lot of snap decisions based on whatever and those are the same things that they could get away with doing but it's not right for that person to be doing it and because they're doing it they're no longer in the borderline and the borderlines life and able to just let them go and it could even be a relative a family member even a child even children can get cut out of borderlines lives it's interesting too because when you're in love with a narcissistic male or female you're never gonna feel good enough you're never gonna be good-looking you're never gonna be smart enough you're never gonna be tall enough okay and they may not actually convey their disdain or disappointment directly to you okay they might not but you're always gonna feel inadequate you're always gonna feel inadequate for example I remember something it's almost like it feels like it happened yesterday but it happened like 14 years ago and that's funny how things happen and I was I was out well maybe he's like 15 years ago maybe it was longer than that okay I'm not going back any further got it no more aging on this deal but I was with somebody I was dating and they happened now that I realized years later that they were borderline still are nothing's changed and I remember we were out on a date one day and we're walking down the street and this this woman walks by and she's probably in like six or seven Hill six or seven inch stiletto heels I mean I couldn't wear those on a good day and you know he made it in she had blonde hair and I remember him making a comment about how gorgeous this one was and then looked at me in just a certain way and made some comment about how I was more like a kid and I mean that is one of the most painful feelings to be walking down the street I would you know everybody's a little insecure to some degree and then you have somebody pointing out some I go whoa Alice she's beautiful and she's got it all yeah she's hot look at those legs mm-hmm oh and there I am in like flip-flops and then he looks back at me in a certain way and you know what oh my gosh talk about feeling inadequate I mean you didn't have to sit there and say oh you're not tall you're short oh you're not this you're that no no he didn't have to say anything but he made me feel completely inadequate and I think that a lot of people listening can resonate with what I just talked about think about it and you know it's funny because the truth of it the real truth of it is that the borderline is insecure at their core he's he or she is so insecure at the core that they have to throw a shroud they have to throw a shroud around your flame to make theirs glow a little brighter do you see I'm saying they have to dampen your flame to ignite theirs and so they're gonna put you down in certain ways they make you feel small because they need a powerup and it's funny because they probably won't ever compliment you but you're gonna know your imperfections and you're gonna know your deficits you're gonna know those clearly it's gonna be like an almanac of them you know it'll be like a separate treaty of your imperfections and deficits and you're gonna know it you're gonna know it you're gonna know exactly what it is but they're never gonna compliment you and if they do it's rare and if they do there's a reason behind it and it's probably not good but I've even dated I've got I've been around people and my password you could have you could have done it you could have come up with Wikipedia you could have invented Google and it will never compliment you for anything you could have come up with a cure for cancer no compliment no hey good job nothing and they always downplay everything you do and they always make you feel lesser and I have another example too and this might hit home with some you'll because it's hit home with some of my patients that we've talked about this too so one time years and years and years ago I used to be a professional photographer for a little bit of time well for a long time it was like my career when I was young when I was going through college and I was dating somebody and I took some amazing pictures and some of those pictures I had I had developed that I had a little little camera at the time or Canon what have you you know Canon 35-millimeter and there were some beautiful beautiful pictures and I remember you know some of my friends go man I would really want some of those and and I was like oh yeah and I remember I was dating somebody and I was like you know I want to I want to impress them on their birthday and so I took three the most amazing pictures I had that I mean I can't even tell you how many people complimented me on those pictures please can I have him in my house hey man you know I can i frame those and put those in my house and I gave them to the guy I was dating and he looked at me as like oh oh thanks it's not really much and all of it yeah that's cool that was it for all I know I think I think you threw him away and that's how you feel around a borderline as nothing you do is good enough whether it's your pictures whether it's your poetry whether it's your cooking still not good enough and they'll never compliment you and you'll always feel lesser and the funny thing is is that when you start spending time with other people like you're appreciated and you don't know how to deal with it like they're asking you how you're doing they actually care about how you feel they actually say hey you're awesome or hey I love your cooking or hey you're really good at the kitchen this is awesome stuff you're what is that you don't even know how to deal with it because you haven't had a compliment so long you don't even know what's going on you think they're up to something so stay tuned we return we'll be talking more about how to deal with the borderline and how to figure out if you're in the borderline relationship and what you can do about it stay tuned because perspectives with your host me Ashley Burgess we'll be back in be back this time in two shakes this is JQ Singh and you're listening to perspectives with Ashley Burges welcome back live to perspectives and I am your host Ashley Burgess tonight we've been talking about being in a relationship with a borderline what borderline personality disorder is and we're gonna begin to talk about a little bit of the issues but also what you might be able to do about it you know before we really get into all that I want to talk about the reason why these relationships can be so difficult to get out of and difficult to overcome is that in the beginning a borderline can be the best lover you've ever had literally the woman of the man and borderline wants you to dream of him and put them on a pedestal and it's funny because that's what they want it's not about making love it's about putting them on a pedestal because of the best ever and you're always judge everybody compared to them and it's interesting that it's part of their bonding ritual and especially men are typically get their feelings through sex and it's part of their bonding ritual and you know what if if a borderline male if the order is reversed and instead of having sex prior to getting to know his prey I mean his woman he might not be able to get it up because in short the more you actually mattered to him the less he's able to perform and vice versa and we saw that in a recent film back in 2011 shame I actually saw the premiere at the American Film Institute and means at Mann's Chinese Theater for the AFI Film Festival and I remember it was this extreme film is called shame but it's true and it really showed and depict the sexual prowess of a borderline male and what really goes down and it's like you really don't know what's going on and I think it's interesting because contrary to popular belief you know both a male and a female borderline they're not actually compulsively drawn to sex and they actually might withhold or be aloof to your feelings for out for contact honestly because it's really more about seduction it's more about seducing you into a situation to getting you in there for you to have a whirlwind of experiences for you to almost lose yourself in the process and then all of a sudden they leave you there and you don't know what to do think about it anybody that's been in a relationship like this knows exactly what I'm talking about think about it and it's interesting too that you have to sit there and realize a lot of times they also want to practice different types of sexual interest and some of those things can actually make you feel a little insecure some of those things are antithetical to your beliefs but what do you do do you stand up for yourself no and that's the key is that you got to be aware of once you're aware of this person and once you're aware of the strategy and once you realize that this is borderline and once you realize this is control it's no longer something that you can save and change it's something that you need to save yourself from okay because if they're not willing to go to treatment and they're not willing to go to get therapy then you don't need to be willing to stick in this because this is a death mentally emotional death sentence for you okay you might as well take on something else because this is a big deal do something that's good for society give back to society seriously and it's interesting because the male or female borderline can come across as very charismatic they're very seductive the females borderlines are usually not powerful they're almost like the damsel in distress they need help because they had a bad relationship last time and they were abused and you'll hear about how awful a man was and how awful he was and you'll want to save her because that's what you are you are the savior you've come in on your on your white horse with your sword and you're gonna save the poor little damsel in distress however you don't realize that she's gonna eat your face she's gonna eat you up and spit you out for lunch and you have you don't even have an idea because you're not even thinking about that you're not even ready for it cuz you have no idea this is about to happen and the thing is is that you don't even realize that what she's talking about from her previous mail about the abuse and everything when you all break up or when you all get divorced she'll be telling everybody else about how you abused her and you didn't abuse her you were mentally and emotionally raped okay but the way that she sees it versus a reality totally two different things when it comes to the male borderline they're very seductive and they can seem very powerful and those are characteristics that are especially attracted to female borderlines or attractive to any woman for that matter you know and on the other side it's funny on the other side just like kind of like the female borderline there will be men that'll be very humble very disempowered almost like a victim and it's interesting because I've heard this concept before and in the long essay that I read recently on borderline and it was like either there's Superman or there like the waif it's either one or the other they're either lay bigger-than-life or the victim and in the borderline case of the woman it's normally the victim they just normally plays herself as the victim that's just the girl that just needs a hand that need some help she's just a sweetheart she's great in bed and then all of a sudden dr. Jekyll and mrs. Hyde shows up and it's interesting too because when you have this wave side when it comes to the male borderline he'll talk about his boyhood wounds and it's interesting because you'll try to stop you'll try not to step on emotional landmines but these things are in his past and there's nothing you can say you could you could say something that was just random that will set him off and you're probably gonna want to be like a totally different female than the ones that he grew up with but that doesn't fit his emotional profile see he's found you because you remind him of something from his childhood if you go and become the opposite of that that's not what he's looking for because he's used to what he dealt with and it's funny because most people just like just like the wave male borderline it's very used to being comfortable and very familiar with drama and neglect its what feels normal to him it's what feels easy to him it's what he's used to and it's interesting because it's kind of like it's kind of paradoxical the more you love him the less he loves you you know it's almost like when you're younger and you're kids and you're dating or you're whatever in high school or college your first couple relationships and it's like the closer you get the more the other person pushes you away the more you push the other person away the closer they get well that's very similar to borderline okay but it's constant and so you have to play a game of being aloof or not being available to get their attention for example instead of meeting them for dinner to pick something up you have to sit there and say hey I'll come by your front desk and pick it up take care have a great week the next thing you know they're gonna be calling you and calling you and calling you and calling you and setting up a date and you're gonna be hanging out because they want to know what the heck you're up to because they don't have a finger on you right now and it's funny like when we deal with borderlines a lot we have a tendency playing racquetball with them for no reason it's like eventually don't wanna hit the ball back over the net okay and let's talk about that right now because I think this is important once you realize because I think that you know by now from all the traits and all this stuff we've been talking about tonight you know whether or not you're in a relationship with a borderline or not because some of this stuff is ranged so true that you probably either swerved off the road or you fail out of your chair at home okay because that's a big deal and a lot of y'all were thinking that you were on this planet alone and you got no idea what to do stressed out have no idea what's going on completely not understanding and wondering are you the only person on this planet going through this is this your pain and your agony to carry for the rest of your life or is this ever gonna get any better well now that you realize that you're with a order line now you can decide what you want to do because these are important facts because you have to figure out even if you're a fixer or you're a rescuer you got to figure out what you're gonna do because you gotta rescue yourself at some time you know on the airplane they always tell you to put the oxygen mask on your face prior to putting it on your child and the reason why they say that is because if you don't have oxygen and you can't figure out what to do you're gonna pass out before you can help the child mm-hmm okay right now you're in this position but you put the oxygen mask on the borderline and the borderlines cut your cord already and no oxygen for you okay so you either steal that face mask back or you got to get off that plane so what are you gonna do and so I know a lot of y'all are listening saying well heck I'm in a marriage I'm gonna I'm in a long-term marriage and I've been dealing with this for a long time you know I've been doing with this for five ten fifteen twenty years what am I supposed to do well how much longer do you want to deal with this how much longer are you ready to deal with this and has your spouse seen and he's sort of therapist have they seen therapists and have they been misdiagnosed because I think the first thing is that they're willing to get therapy and they're willing to go in to get treated and this is a very difficult treatment because it takes a lot of time it takes a lot of breaking down and it takes a lot of being naked for them that they're not used to because they've hidden for so long because they've controlled everybody around them for so long okay that they haven't been out there in the limelight now it's your turn to push them into the light to figure out what's up if they're willing to get treatment and they're willing to actually go you might be able to keep this marriage god bless you you're gonna have to go to treatment for PTSD because you have been beaten down so much your stress level is at an all-time high your nerves are shot you're constantly walking on eggshells when you're at home you're constantly walking on eggshells not knowing what to say you can't even be yourself in your own home and you haven't been in ten years okay you haven't been and whether the sex still going or if that left a long time ago you got nothing you're over there just dealing with hell every day you get I mean your job looks better and better no matter what you do think about it if your spouse is willing to get treatment you got something there but you got to be consistent you got to make sure they go every single week and we're depending on how bad the the borderline is it needs to be a couple times a week and I specialize in that that's something I'm very good at but this is deep psychotherapy and it has to be taken care of because it goes to the root of being accepted and self-worth and love and if somebody can't love themselves they can't love you so stay tuned when we return you're talking more about what you can do if you're currently in a relationship with a borderline stay tuned because perspectives with your host me ask you Burgess will be back in be back in two shakes hear you're listening to perspectives with Ashleigh Burgess welcome back live to perspectives and I'm your host Ashley Burgess tonight we've been talking about borderline personality disorder what it means to be borderline and now we're talking about what to deal with what to do if you're in a relationship with a borderline and right before the break I was talking about if you're in a marriage and you've been married for a long period of time and as of tonight listening to the show you realize that your spouse has borderline personality disorder first thing you can do is talk to them about getting treatment if they are in treatment and they've been misdiagnosed with a lot of people are then y'all have to go in it you get to sit there and work with it and go into complete deep psychotherapy this is something that has to be dealt with because they don't actually know they don't have the capability of actually really truly loving someone and you're gonna go through hell and back trying to save this person so if they're willing to go through treatment that's great more power to you they're stepping up to the plate and that's a good thing if they're not willing to go through treatment and they don't want to listen to you you've got to sit back and figure out what makes sense for you and I understand that some of y'all will say hey I got married and I got married to have one marriage I didn't get married to get divorced okay I don't want to be a divorcee well you got to sit back and look at it and say how well and how happy are you gonna be in your life to deal with this day in and day out you've already done with us for X amount of years are you willing to continue to deal with this is this helping and aiding in the quality of your life because if it is great but I don't think it is if your kids have already grown and they're out of the house then what's the deal even if your kids aren't out of the house why would you want to live in a relationship that you are walking on eggshells and you can't be yourself with and there's complete turmoil and that family think about it because the kids know ok don't fool yourself the kids know even if you're not yelling in front of each other anymore because you figured out how to be quiet and how to be whatever she wants you to be or whatever he wants you to be the kids still know okay they're not stupid they might not know consciously but subconsciously they know and so even if you moved out and you got your own place you could still have joint custody of your children and some of y'all will say well I don't want my wife her husband that's the borderline around them so much because I don't want it to rub off well you got to take your chances and spend as much time with the kids as you possibly can okay there's no easy answer for that except for if you were to take full custody but it but if it's your wife that's borderline that's proof it's hard to prove in court and also it's hard to deal with that and do you really not want your wife seeing the kids or vice versa but the big deal is is that if they are borderline and they're not willing to get treatment you've got to step up to the plate and you've got to figure out how to make sure that those kids grow up being able to understand what love is and being able to understand what empathy is and what honest emotion is and what dealing with their emotions really means because that's so important to a child so if you're married right now think about it even if you're being even if you are being the Ozzie and Harriet even if you're being the Leave It to Beaver family and you're pulling that off just to keep the peace think about it are you willing to do this for the rest of your life because if you are is that being a saint or what's the reason for it and a lot of times as excuses I don't want to do this because the kid I want this well it's because you're wrapped up in the life of the borderline okay and to a degree your ego tells you that you can change this person your egos over there telling you oh yeah yeah I got this covered just give it another year one more year and we'll have it one more year and we'll have him or we'll have her where I want her and she'll stop being like that or he'll stop being like this and I will finally finally be right well you know what that's not gonna happen either and so we have to sit back and say okay out of all this stuff what makes sense and so if you're married you've got to sit back and acknowledge and I would actually say it to go see a therapist if you want to come see me or you would like me to – I have other therapists that I work with I can help you with that as well and you've got to sit down and talk about the pros and cons and what you want to do because in life life is too short to live in a marriage where you can't be yourself to live in a marriage where you have to walk on eggshells every single night when you get home and you beg to go back to work and you hope and pray that your wife or husband goes out of town for a few days so you can have some peace and quiet but while they're out of town you're just over there trying to lick your wounds because you're so beaten down and so abused that you can't figure out the force and the trees that you got to get away this is a toxic deal here okay for everybody out there who's listening who is in a relationship but not married to a borderline get out now get out now don't let your ego get in the way if you're a male don't sit there and say oh she's the damsel in distress I can save her I'll be the only man on the planet to save her cuz all those other men were evil evil men that abused her and took abuse of her of my little angel wrong wrong if you're a little angel as a black widow spider then that's your little angel but that is not an angel but she's fooled you and you've allowed her to fool you and you want to believe whatever you want to believe on the flip side for all you women out there with a borderline male stop looking listen because you got to watch out for these big-time not only will they berate you make you feel bad but on top of that they are sleeping with a lot of folks they all you got to be very careful and they're very impulsive so the idea of using protection is probably not on the top of their radar seriously the other thing is that there's a lot of shame involved when you're dealing with somebody that has borderline they caused a lot of toxic shame that's kind of the keyword jargon that you hear a lot and when you're dealing with that you're gonna start having personal shame because you are going to not like yourself because you're gonna completely keep morphing yourself and changing yourself to fit in for the borderline and eventually when they throw you away or when you're still there but you can't stand up you have a lot of pieces to put together and you're gonna have to find yourself again and that can take a lot of psychotherapy you can and I don't want to see you there I want to see you be able to find a solid healthy relationship okay no matter how good the sex is leave it behind you've got to realize that if the relationship with the sex is great and the rest of the relationships not good jump run run run run you're in a borderline relationship this isn't good it's only gonna get worse and you're gonna lose yourself you know some of the questions that I would ask you if you want to you and think about this and I talked to my clients about this all the time because this is something that's very important because you know you want to ask yourself a few questions you know what's keeping you in this relationship what is keeping you in this relationship ask yourself that right now what is keeping you in this relationship think about it ask be honest what is keeping you in this relationship is it you just wanting to be with somebody is it you because you don't want to be alone think about it what is it also ask yourself do you feel like you're a different person when you're around this person do you feel different do you not feel like yourself do you not feel like you can be yourself because yourself isn't good enough because that's one thing that you'll get from being around a borderline is you're not good enough okay and they're not going to tell you to your face but they're gonna say in so many words and they're gonna make you feel very insecure and that's cause because they want to have more control over you the or insecure you are the more insecure you are about yourself the more control they have over you it's just it's self-explanatory and have you lost yourself you know when I was in a borderline relationship the one thing that was the first thing that went was my sense of humor because I would always walk in and make jokes and then they were funny sweet jokes cute I mean everybody else thinks they're hilarious and fun they weren't about them they weren't picking on anybody which is like a joke and they would be like Ashley just shut up my god can you just be quiet that's a bring it down a little bit I mean why he gonna be like that and he got to the point where every time I walked in the door iris was quiet I didn't want to say anything because I knew if I said something it's gonna start an argument okay and why we stay in these relationships is beyond us because you know think about it when you stay in a relationship like this is like being in a prison are you willing to take that prison sentence right now I don't think that that's what you want I think you're better than that I think you should step up to the plate and I think you have the power and I know you have the power to jump up and to take ownership of your life and to take a step back and say you know what this isn't for me this isn't for me I'm not trying to save someone I want to live my life and this isn't for me and so if you can sit there and understand that and you can recognize that you're dealing with a borderline and they're not willing to get treatment it's time to exit stage right and you're gonna have to write formulate yourself and you're gonna have to get some self-worth and you're gonna have to repopulate yourself because you've been beaten down to nothing but in the process at least you'll get better because you have a chance because you're away from it you know I'm gonna be doing more shows on borderline because I don't think we realize the extent of it and also I know there's at least one out of four males or borderline one out of three women one out of three women are borderline that's a lot of women that's a lot of men I think it might even be higher than that so we'll be talking more about narcissism more about borderline personality disorder and what you can do but first I've always remember you owe it to yourself to stay yourself you owe it to yourself to be authentic and you cannot be authentic if you're hiding yourself in a borderline personality disorder a relationship where you can't be you because if you're you you're gonna they're gonna start a fight so stay tuned we got a great show for you next and perspectives of your host me Ashley Burgess we'll be back in I'll be back this time in reshapes

Michael Martin

25 Responses

  1. How about the Borderline? When they realize they're borderline and they try so hard to change? And then they come across a podcast like this and it's very unsettling? This made me cry so bad it's not my fault that stuff that happened to me made me this way! Get DBT but easier said than done!

  2. He went to another country for 6 weeks for work…..he never phoned me once., neither write me a postcard Everything that you are saying, I have experienced. He liked my narc mom. I found that he sometimes "fell in love" wiith other men..

  3. Husband…passive sggression his biggest trait. Rage. No lying. Addicted to sex., often grandiose inbetween people..you are right..be quiet. He. . Refused ANY medicine. Manic depresion, refused to take pills. very high education level……but to me…shallow. Deceased, but I try not to think of him

  4. Late husband had BPD. Very nice, soft kind guy…..rage episodes…nearly killed me, with nasty attitude for months. Had children, stuck it out. He died after 36 years of marraige. I had a narc mother…..I thought he was very careless and shallow….oh goodness…how did zi survive

  5. I got into 20 mins of you spewing shit before having to turn this off, Ashley Berges. It is quite obvious that you don't know what the heck you are talking about and this video is quite harmful. You are swaying easily lead people to demonize people with BPD.
    People do not choose Borderline Personality Disorder,
    Now lets say somebody with Autism had a meltdown in a supermarket for whatever reason. That person with autism is not responsible for that said meltdown, That person cannot be held responsible for what happened because they can't help it. You wouldn't advise somebody to run for the hills away from this person, so why is a BPD person any different?
    People with BDP cannot control their emotions. Not all people who suffer from BPD are compulsive liars, manipulative or incapable of loving or having a meaningful relationship.
    Sex is not used as a weapon or a show of power, that is complete bull.

    I believe that what you are describing here is either a figment of your delusional imagination or you are describing somebody with either a misdiagnosis or a mixture of BDP and something else, possibly narcissism.

    What people need is to be educated on the mental illness rather than it being demonized. It is an illness that is still being studied. People with BPD are NOT bad people.

  6. I really appreciate you speaking on this topic. We need more people like you speaking on this topic BP.

    Wow.

    This is my mother and daughter, the Vic. Wow. Thank you…

    Omg, it's so spot on!!

  7. After commenting on this two years ago fresh out of this conundrum, it resonates with even more now with precise clarity. It is the best explanation there is & there is no need to ruminate any further. Ash, thanks for doing this in depth, critical thought, body of work. Yep. Nah nah na na hey hey goodbye. That's the sense of humor that has returned.

  8. I could only stand 1/3rd of this video. But sorry these informations are no way scientific or educational.
    The way she is describing the symptoms are very missleading and often judgemental.
    Her cynical way of talking makes everything appear very subjective.
    I can only see a woman talking from her own bad experiences.
    BTW there are different kinds of BPS, but she doesn't even extinguish between them.

    Fun fact: BPS people often date narcissists. hm~ quote: "Think about it!"

  9. I've learned more from this comment section than I learned from the audio (a lot of misinformation). If you are looking for helpful information, check out Ross Rosenberg or Todd Grande

  10. Yes indeed… My mother was/is borderline personality disorder. I haven't spoken to her in 20 years. My father is also a horrible person. I don't believe he is as bad as my mother but I have never received a compliment from my father unless he was insulting me in the same sentence. I haven't spoken to him in several years as well. Now my daughter I believe is mental. I try to reach out to her but she distances herself from me because I won't give her everyone and anything she wants. So I haven't been able to see my grandchild. My step son is I believe a Covert malignant narcissist plus a sociopath. Ugh…
    What they all have in common is they are not true Christians.
    My parents claim to be Christian but Jesus said you'll know them by their fruits. My father always said something rude to me. He always had the money to help me but he didn't. Yet he would blame me for not graduating from college even though he paid for his step daughter but not mine. Lol
    When I tell him I'm doing the best I can as a single mother. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc… Just poor … But my dad will insult me the entire time he visits me and when he leaves I feel horrible and he is smiling. Lol
    I'm so glad he isn't in my life anymore. He walked away from me because I apparently have him the gray rock method without realizing it. He was bored of me and stopped calling me, unfriended me, blocked my number, etc…

  11. I don't agree with some of the characteristics of a borderline. I try so hard to make people like me and I do care how people feel. It's me who feels like I'm never good enough. So not all the information you talked about was true. Some of us feel like we will never be good enough and what we feel is wrong.

  12. Ashley Berges, this happened to be the first video I clicked on today and I’m glad I did! There was nothing beneficial I got from listening to this- solely because all I heard was someone’s own BIASED agenda to spread false information and to essentially scare people into thinking these people are only self indulgent monsters who actively seek to hurt others. This- A completely false and hurtful narrative you are painting of people who struggle to live with themselves daily. Please actually educate yourself before you use a huge platform to demonize those with a serious disorder. Thank you have a great day!!!

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