How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship


My grandparents for married for fifty-some
years and my grandfather until the day he died called my
grandmother his bride. How important do you think role models
are? I mean a lot of people that grew in this country, they come from
divorce families and they don’t necessarily see long-term
love. I think it’s really important. Because after all, if you think of love as a dance, if you’ve never seen this dance
called reaching for your partner and talking
about your fears in your needs and and you and the deepest part
you as a person, if you’ve never even seen that it just doesn’t occur
to you, it’s kind of strange. You know, it’s like you don’t even really
know that that’s possible that exists. Where as if you’ve seen it, if you seen your
parents do it, if your parents have done it with you,
there is some sort of body memory that says “well this is possible, this is okay, I can
be open, I can trust other people. Other people
are basically interested in are going to be there for me. So you have a real advantage. If you’ve
never seen it, it makes it much more difficult. Then you
need more help from your partner in terms of trust and connection to go into those unknown spaces. Romantic
love is something that we’ve witnessed as children and we either witness it or we don’t. Some
people have it and some people don’t. So I always ask couples were your
parents in love? What did you see? What did they live in their lives? I think it matters for men if they didn’t see their father being loving romantically toward their
mother, and for women not seeing their mother being romantic towards their father. Those are experiences of attachment and
connection that we also carry with us. It can be any caregiver, in my personal life
my grandparents for married for some 50 some years, and my grandfather until
the day he died called my grandmother his bride. He
would introduce her everywhere meet my bride Dorris, this is my bride.
So when I got married I would like whatcha going to call me? If you think about it right
candidates through with this thing is we we get this template from from our parents.
Both about affection and also but conflicts and arguments. You know, we see how they do it and we learn from it , just for
experiential learning. How do you do this dance? How do you show affection? What you do when you’re angry with
each other? Do you go away, or do you stay together? You know, and how you talk to each other If you didn’t have a role model like that, where do you recommend they find it? Yeah, I was just gonna comment on that.
I don’t think somebody’s doomed just because they don’t have that, I think you
have to be open to get integrating new information. We all have schemas or just the way it
just means a way of looking at the world and we want everything to match up and
lineup and I think people start to just expect a bad experience if they had
one and I think you have to be very open minded and your interactions can be different you
don’t have to repeat the same cycle that your parents did you’re not doing just because you didn’t
have a role model. So where would you what would you have them do? I know, I’d have them read a
book called Hold Me Tight and do the exercises. But that’s because I wrote the book. I want to say something about that, I
think the other thing, I think you are absolutely right, you can learn – even if you didn’t have
role models.The reason for that is because that longing for that intimacy/
that connection – to be able to rest in someone’s arms, to
be able to feel that you can talk about the deepest part if you will be seen and accepted and held. That longing is wired into our brains by millions
of years of evolution. It’s there, even if we’ve lived in a
world where actually being close to other people has been
dangerous when we’re growing up. That long is still
there, and my experience with couples is if you give them a chance,
and you let them to feel that longing, and you give them a little way for it, they’ll take it. They’ll go for it, because we want that, we
need that. Ss human beings that like oxygen for us. So it sounds like love and romance
for the life and it’s completely possible and something that we can all work
on and it sounds like role models are important so that we can
see that it’s possible but I think been there once with our partners themselves
in the partners themselves than their the muscle memory we just
have to go back and get curious about them in and try again

Michael Martin

2 Responses

  1. The background music is annoying. The content is high quality, the music is just a distraction! There is not a lot of info here but what there is is very vital. I followed the link to Sue Johnson and found what she was saying not only absolutely at the very foundation of quality relationships and also that others whose work has been phenomenal in the arena of healthy relationships indorse her work. If you have grown weary of the over reliance on cognitive therapy and choice theory and are ready to look at what makes up our menus this is a great place to start and Sue Johnson's book is a great next step.

  2. Thank you! I agree with Dr Marni Fuerman, that there is always the possibility to alter ones attachment style. But this needs some reflections and conscience about the own experienced attachment style and the will to alter it consciously, if the own experinced attachment style was e.g. avoidant or ambivivalent or chaotic. The best prerequisite is a healed heart! And my own experience is that Jesus can heal a broken heart and that a future relationships can be stable and healthy through mutual learning. And in additon, don't forget the importance of forgiveness.

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