How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship and Resolve Conflict in Marriage


Picture this: You’re fighting with your partner and the tension is rising between you, then all of a sudden you notice a spark of anger in their eyes and KABOOM!!! A massive fight erupts. Now you’ve been here before and you know how these kind of fights end. Usually in icy cold silences with one of you sleeping
on the couch and leaving a crater of hurt that could take weeks to recover from. Hi, I’m Bruce Muzik. I’m a relationship coach and I help couples to stop fighting, start connecting and turn their marriages and relationships around. In this video we are going to learn four counter intuitive strategies to stop
any fight from exploding into a volcanic like eruption and actually resolve the conflict in any place… anytime. A big promise?.. I know, and I’ve road tested all four of these strategies in my relationship coaching practice so I know that they work.
Here is strategy number 1: Imagine you are in a boxing ring… and your opponent is throwing punches at you left, right and center What do you do? Well, you block and
you duck and you defend yourself and whenever you get an opportunity you throw a couple
of punches back, and they block and defend themselves and you go backwards and forth creating punches. When you’re defending… you are inviting them to attack and throw punches. When you are attacking, you are inviting them to defend. And what most people don’t see is that defense and attack are two sides of the same coin and as long as you’re defending yourselves you’re inviting an attack and as long as you are attacking you’re inviting your opponent
to defend themselves. The only way to stop a fight is to actually step out of the ring… completely. Try this instead: Instead of fighting be
defenseless. You are actually inviting conflict in by defending yourself, so here is an easy way to be defenseless. Find something you can agree with your partner about. Find something in what they’ve said that you can agree with. You might hypothetically say something
like “Yes honey, you’re right. I did leave the car headlights on and the battery is flat”. With no yelling at you about leaving the lights on in the car. This is going to completely catch them off guard and interrupt that pattern of attack, defend, attack, defend, attack, defend. It will also sooth your partner and calm them down knowing that you’re not defending. That you are actually agreeing with them. But Bruce! I hear you cry… What if I can’t find something
to agree with? Well… then you’re going to try strategy number two. Strategy number two is to demonstrate that you are listening. You see, we human beings have an almost primal need to feel heard and understood; and half the time your partner is upset their just wanting you to
listen to them, they just want you to hear them so they can feel that you understand
them and you care about what they are saying. So try this strategy to make you partner
feel heard and understood. When they are talking with you in an upset tone of voice, instead of
defending yourself; repeat back to them what they actually said. So you might say something
like, “So what I am hearing you say honey is that I left the lights on and the car battery
is flat and now you’re gonna be late for work, did I get it?” Notice at the end I put
the phrase “DID I GET IT?” I did this because I want to confirm that I’ve actually understood what my partner says, it shows them how much I really want to understand what they are
saying, and it’s also a sign of respect and calms down that reptilian part of their brain that might be about to get triggered. When they hear you say “Did I get it? They know
that they are going to have an opportunity to speak and you’re just going to listen,
you are not going to be defending. It’s a great way to de-escalate conflict. Try it! It
works like magic. I’ll teach you an even more advance version of this tool in my Love At First Fight coaching program, which I will tell you more about at the end of this video. Now, strategy number three is to take ownership of the situation and apologize for your part in it. But you
did left the headlights on didn’t you? Yeah you did, right? And you did make your partner late for work? Yeah, you have right? So you might say something like “You’re right honey, I did leave the car headlights on and I have made you late for work and I’m really sorry”. You
see how that works? You can’t argue with that, right? That’s the power of a simple heart
felt apology and taking responsibility for your part in what you’ve created. Okay, here is our fourth and final strategy
to stop any fight dead in its tracks. And it’s this: It’s called stand together and attack the misunderstanding. You see, what most couples do is they stand against each other and they attack each other.
Most fights are just the result of a misunderstanding. Usually it’s a misunderstanding about your
partner’s intentions or each others intentions, or a misunderstanding about what has actually happened because of a misinformation or incomplete information. When you stand together and attack the misunderstanding over there, it unites the two of you. Instead of standing opposite each other and attacking each other. See how different that is? Here’s how you do it! You can use several strategies. One of my favorite ones is to stand next to your partner, with your partner next to you rather than standing opposite them, because that position of being opposite is almost
confrontational. If you stand side by side it’s almost like the two of you are gazing
out at the misunderstanding ready to attack it as a team, and actually unites you. Another thing that you can do is start using “We language” so you might say something like “WOW! we’ve really got ourselves into a pickle here, I’m sorry honey I did leave the car lights
on. How can we resolve this?… Would it be okay if I call a cab for you to get you at work in time? and then I can pick you up after work and we can drive home together.” We language
is the language of unity it’s the language of a team it’s the language of a couple it’s
the language of love. So start using WE language that unites the two of you together. And then finally you can address the misunderstanding. And very often when your partner is upset they’re assuming that you’ve done something intentionally to hurt them. In this case
you might say “You know honey, the misunderstanding is I really wasn’t trying to make you late
on purpose and I wasn’t being careless. I was just so excited about seeing you when I got home last night and I was late and I wanted to make sure that I caught you before
you fell asleep. So I turned off the car but forgot to turn the lights off, ran upstairs
to give you a big kiss and then fell asleep in your arms. And I am sorry I just wanted to let you know that I loved you, and I left the lights on because I fell asleep in your arms… I’m really sorry.” What’s your partner going to say to that? It’s not like they’re going to
start attack you for loving them so much that you wanted to kiss them good night, is it? So when you unpack the misunderstanding and attack it together, when the two of you are standing united next to each other, committed to fight the misunderstanding and attacking it, there will be no more conflict between you. Now go and take these four strategies and use them to stop an argument from escalating into a full blown fight. Now, as useful as these strategies are they are not going to
fix you troubled relationship for you they are just strategies for the heat of
the moment. If you are walking on egg shells around your partner or if there is constant
tension in your relationship or you’re experiencing a fuzzy communication problem or perhaps one of you is withdrawing and the other one is chasing and becoming needy and the other one’s withdrawing into their shell, then you really do need to seek professional help. So if you are ready to end the cycle of conflict in your relationship I can help. I designed
a seven week online training program that is designed to help you fix your troubled
relationship and get the two of you on the road to a new life together. It has worked
for hundreds of couples and I know it will work for you. If you know you need
help and you’re ready to reach out and stop making the same mistakes over and over again, click on the link here and you can check out the program. We’ve got one starting soon. I look forward to meeting you and helping you turn your marriage or your relationship around. I’m Bruce Muzik… I wish you an open hearted, loving, delicious relationship, I’ll
talk to you soon. Bye, bye!

Michael Martin

100 Responses

  1. Dear brother my girlfriend always searching my small faults and she is starting fight. Sometimes I can't manage it. Then she is braking the mobile and other items and she is making injury in her body. Please help me

  2. What if your spouse is too proud to issue a heartfelt apology? I find when we argue, it's usually ended with an apology from me for something that occurred within the argument rather than the issue that caused it. I always leave the argument feeling like the bad guy and when she apologizes, it's usually out of frustration and doesn't sound remorseful or real.

  3. 1. Being defenseless just leads to her keeping up on the attack 2. Demonstrating that I’m listening either makes her think that I’m being sarcastic or that I’m not listening, I only say I’m listening 3. Taking ownership leads to more attacks from her and name calling 4. Standing together doesn’t work because whatever the fight is about is my fault

  4. Were both stubborn so it's hard to say sorry when need be. Im at that stage where I think back to my "old" life where I was once happier and free of course. We have a child together now and lately it has been a total hurricane.
    Thats what brought me here………lol

  5. I hope this works with my insensitve, loud, and sometimes violent girlfriend. I would hate to end this relationship. And as far as violence goes….She hasn't hit me but has threatened alot. I'm afraid her threats will come to fruition. She has some problem that I can't help with, seeing that I have to defend myself against her verbal attacks, which give me bad panic attacks. Wish me luck.
    P.s. what if the fignt starts with "shut the fuck up!!!!" In the loudest scream you can imagine. With eyes bulging and calling you names?

  6. Look man iv tried all this stuff it doesn’t work with crazy best way to avoid a fight is to get the hell out of there

  7. I've said something like #3 in the way of what was happening with me and my partner but she's tired of me saying I'm sorry and she wants me to show her i wan this relationship. we've been arguing for a whole week and I'm lost on what to do I've tried saying can we move past this and be cute again but anything doesn't work for her. idk what else I'm supposed to do now.

  8. My husband always fights with me. He doesnt like anything i do. We dont have nothing in common. I want to leave him and live in a van

  9. I'm sorry but none of this makes any difference in an argument with my mrs. Probably better to walk away and ignore until the witch calms down, you can't reason with stupid when All's said and done whoever might be right or wrong.

  10. I don't agree with you, if people want to nasty they will. Lowering your defenses makes you a victim. Boundaries are better not being a doormat. This would work for a loving relationship that's balanced it won't work on an abusive partner. It won't work on bullies or problem family members obviously without the smushiness on other relationships. Those techniques can be used in other types of relationships with alternative words also lol.

  11. Hahahaha ya right if I was to try number 2 I would get my head rip out for trying to be a smartass!

  12. What about in a long distance relationship? What if she did something and i am pissed off about it? I don't wanna explode. What should I do. Plz reply

  13. I can across this video on Secret fixer blueprint – there's lots good videos there that should help out

  14. "oh so now its my fault that you fell asleep in my arms"… i always get objections. I just had to leave the house to stop the argument.

  15. My case s very complicated … Nd i couldn't find any solution right now.. I tried all the thing but i got back s only disrespective words and anger from her…. When she gets down from anger she just says don't talk to me when i m angry just leave me alone… that's it but i couldn't do that😔😭😭😭

  16. You're actually telling us to do what they call mansplaining. It apparently patronizes them and they use the insult to extend their neglect and emotional abuse. Gentlemen… do not take this videos advice. If she is as described, you are nothing but a tool for her. You are being abused, you need to leave her before you need mental help or worse, suicide. You are a man. You do not need to serve and pander to woman. If she doesn't treat you like God himself, she is worthless. I respect real woman. A real woman tends to the kids, keeps the castle clean, puts food in your belly. Puts you first above your kids and herself. A real woman should be submissive to her man and a real woman deserves a real man. A real man who is building an empire for his and her genetic immortality.

    This video should be called, how to sacrifice your soul to feel a ounce of self worth from your wife.

  17. Mostly ppl fight over real issues and a fight over such petty issues can be resolved easily but wht if a person has used all this and still your partner doesnt stop yelling at you.. An argument is bound to continue

  18. Me: I don't know how to stop being mad at you.
    Her: I don't know how to stop you from hurting my feelings.
    Please demonstrate the use of any of the advice in this video to resolve this conflict…

  19. My husband always gets so defensive when I mention things I feel uncomfortable with, things that he does like one night we went to a party he was talking to a girl the whole time I felt uncomfortable and told him in a nice way, but he gets all offensive and gets mad

  20. What should you do if it happens every day and is causing exhaustion and stress but you still love them and want to make it work. As soon as I forgive him he does it again just pesters me and tries to annoy me.

  21. The moment I watch this video I felt like I’m part of it, both of us should know how to manage when we are in a relationship. Instead of fighting and blaming each other, try talking and be calm. Instead of doing that try to understand each other.

  22. all fine and good except when the person you are arguing with takes ZERO accountability and makes it out that it's all YOUR fault, and YOU'RE just the crazy one and nothing they ever do incites the crazy. talk about the most fucking frustrating thing is when someone is so immature they cant ever admit they are wrong.

  23. I wish I could follow your steps, when my girlfriend gets angry I get angrier and it's a never-ending cycle! I hate it and it's driving us apart…

  24. This really works, sometimes she is gonna have to release everything out from her chest, we men, we can stand quiet while she yells everything out, but you'll notice once it's all out from her system, she'll gonna feel better and then she maybe will be willing to have a real talk, just don't fight back, just hold!

  25. any suggestions about your spouse always thi king I’m up to no good? I feel like i hate to quit my job stay home and lock my self into a cage, and come out when she gets home. Not to mention take away any human contact. And even if i were to do that i feel like she still wouldn’t be happy

  26. Knowledge is power yet the greater knowledge is to call upon the supernatural God himself who has created us for relationship for help he has the power to to fix things more than any man can do

  27. Husband: honey i left the headlights on and got you late for work, I am sorry.

    Wife: No, you always say that but you never learn.
    Husband: honey i know you are upset and i am sorry.
    Wife: No you are not sorry. You just say that otherwise had you cared about me getting late, you would have switched off the headlights.
    Husband: quiet with a sorry face and looking down
    Wife: look at me while i am talking to you. First you get me late and now you stay quite to suggest i am a mad person and unnecessarily shouting at you.
    Attack and defence coin flipping starts.

  28. You said it at the end: "the 2 of you". If the other person does not work on these strategies themselves, it's just way harder to get to the point of resolving conflict. I've learned a few of these strategies in the past, and still put them to practice, but if again, the other person is not willing to follow these strategies, conflict is only resolved after a lot of time to cool off.

  29. What to do if he NO MISTAKES in himself… PLEASE help… I am in a big trouble… perhaps on the verge of leaving my home or commit suicide…

  30. Another way I handle a fight is to just walk away and go hang out with one of my other chics. Works every time for me.

  31. Love this Video
    My boyf and I had a hufe argueent last night
    We been together 2 months, and this is our 2nd heated arguement..

    This video is very accurate, am going to try it

  32. Okay i am still very much in LOVE with my Baby Chino from day one and the LOVE I have for him has never changed for him… If anything in our 7 year relationship even threw our up and downs & good and bad times we got through it together but out of the 7 the last 3 yrs we have been arguing and fighting about something I have never or have and will not do to Him because from day one my heart is his 1000%.. Anyway let me just say it how,where or who to that is my baby has accuses,judged and sentenced me to a crime I have not done cheating,fucking,unfaithful or an affair his words and everybody I put this on everything i love have and did NOT do this to him.. How can or what to the fighting and arguing come to stop I hate fighting him when I just want to LOVE Him and have Him just to love me like I want to be LOVE like he did🙁😕😒… When starts accusing I just turn away and walk from a fight or bAttle.. The reason I said that way is because my dad told me growing up choose your battles wisely and I have and to be honest this battle I am hoping I win in the end but at the same time it is a Battle I should Not going through at all..😞 Still even this I Love Him and want our relationship to make it😍 So how or what redirect or believe and trust that I have Always been faithful and Loyal to him now like was from day one…. Thank you, from Punished for crime have not done..

  33. You forgot 1 crucial advice: first check if she has her period, if no, your arguments can work, if yes, all arguments are useless. In that case just one thing will work: say that she’s right, and walk out of the room 😂 It sounds like a joke, but I am pretty serious…

  34. So…my guy has been diagnosed with BPD. When I anger him he will…guilt trip me, drag everything I've ever done wrong out and use it to work me over. He will not accept an apology, not until he's calmed down. He's not able to hear (when calm) that he says hurtful things (when he's not calm).
    Since I too have issues, I think the only solution I have is to withdraw until he's back to his more normal self.
    Until he's calm, I can't seem to get him to stop saying things that psychologically hurt me, and I don't really have an ability to stand there and take it. I wish I could.

    He can't even accept that he's doing it.

    I foresee me sleeping in the car occasionally when we live together, if we live together.

    Realistically, I'm the one who has to adapt, as he's not in therapy.

  35. I said the '' Did I get it?'' and the only thing he said was '' omg you never understand'' lololololllllll

  36. This works with people who are moderatly capable to have acutal conversations. Not people who actually have problems with conflict.

  37. Please find a solution for a breaked up relationship to get together… because alot of people give up in relationship because of atitude problem,emotionally attached issue,but at the same time.. the person will still be loyal because he love her so much. But this is exceptional cases like cheating frequently and also cheating their money…and he realised his mistake he was doing.. and totally changed his self.. but at that time she is really kaboooommmm!!!!! Hatred,lost theirselves,dissapointment,fed up,pain,anger,but still they have the care… so this kind of situation what should we do?

  38. I got help about my marriage conflicts with those guys: http://www.surgicalcoaching.net It changed my life

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  40. To me that's laying down like a little bitch though if you're a dude and the woman's always trying to dominate everything and doesn't at all listen to anything you have to say one way or another then what are you do, do you punch her in her fucking punk bitch ass mouth? LOL just playing I would love to do that but don't want to go to jail

  41. The response about falling asleep in her/his arms is contrived and a glaring lie. This behavior is passive aggressive and a dangerous road to go down. If this behavior continues the partner will mirror that behavior back and your communication mode will fall into a passive aggressive loop. Just stop making excuses and own up to the problem, say your sorry and try to learn from the conflict presented. Conflict isn’t a bad thing, if you listen to understand and not listen to frame a rebuttal.

  42. Yeah I need help in relationship because me and my partner starts to fight whenever we dont update each other what should we do to try understanding each other

  43. Bottom line is when a woman screws up they want quick resolutions. But when it's reversed they act like it's world ending, like omg how dare you. Even worse they have desires to hold grudges, inflict pain, hurt and revenge. Why you think most women don't get along together? Until you emotional basket cases realize how stupid this is, nothing will change!

  44. Keeping tab on your Wife or partner isn't something i'd suggest you dive into, notwithstanding, if you need to clear any doubt concerning what secretly goes on in your relationship, contact [email protected] he is quick to accomplish results without fail just like he did the last time when i hired him, so i have to make reference to him. he paid great attention to fact as a legit expert and aided me to catch a cheat and his fee is affordable

  45. Yes but if I tell my wife "honey you misunderstand my words" she probably say "Am I stupid ha?" "I can't even understand because I am an idiot"… This is like paradox xD

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