How To Save A Marriage With Trust Issues

This is a really common issue and I get
the question all the time. How do you save a marriage with trust issues? I’ve
got some powerful points for you. At the end of this video, you’re going to know what
to do. Well, let’s start out with a little discussion about trust. It’s one of the
most common areas of concern that comes up when a couple comes to my office. What
do we do? The trust is gone>Usually, they think that trust is the
problem. It’s not. That’s a myth. Trust is a secondary issue. It’s not
primary, It’s secondary. And what do I mean by
that? When we feel hurt, when someone cheats on us, when we get offended, we
develop a lack of trust for that person because we’re afraid it’s going happen
again. “Is he going to hurt me again? Does she really love me? Are they going to cheat
on me?” You see from these examples, the trust issues develop as a result of
something else that already happened. That’s why I say that trust is a
secondary issue. So, when couples come to me for coaching, I never start with trust.
In fact, trust is going to come as a natural side effect of correcting some
of the problems that are already going on and applying correct principles that
always work. A little disclaimer here, I’m going to say some things that are
probably going to sound like they apply to everybody else but not me. Because my
situation is extraordinary. My relationship has some really special
problems. I’m saying it that way so that you’ll see how ridiculous that is. I know
that the problems that you’re facing are very personal to you. I get that. But the
problems you’re facing in your relationship have already been had
and solved by other couples throughout eons of time. This is not unique to you.
It just feels like it is because it is you. Can you connect with that for just a
minute? You’re not a special case. And your relationship is not extraordinary.
Now, that offends some people when I say that. But here’s why it’s so important. If
you’re not a special case, then the same principles that have already been proven
and tried with other couples can work for you too. You’re not a special case.
Wrap your head around that for just a minute. And now let’s talk about what
works? What is going to work to reestablish (or sometimes establish for
the first time) trust in this relationship. There are 9 principles.
And honestly, after being a shrink for as long as I have, you can’t shock me. I know.
I have heard some of the darndest stuff you can ever imagine
as people have explained to me what their problems are. And that’s why I’m so
confident that these principles can help you. Let’s go over these 9 principles.
I’m going to do this very quickly. We’re not even going to go into a lot of
detail. But I want you to have the tools on board and then we can dive deeper if
we need to. These 9 principles have been proven to work. Trust me on this.
You don’t even have to trust me. You can go to the research and see that these
things are absolutely consistent. And here’s the first one. Positivity. Oh, big
surprise. You’re hearing that from Dr. Paul. Positivity. Go back and review some
of the videos on this channel that talk about how positivity is created. In fact,
down in the description, you’ll see a link for a free copy of my mini book.
Portable positivity. I’ll send you a digital copy for free. It explains
what I mean by positivity. Basically, it’s putting your mind in a position that
allows you to apply all of the other principles. That’s pretty important. Now, I
do catch some flack sometimes when I mentioned positivity because people are
already convinced that their situation is not only extraordinary but it is
extremely bad. I know it feels bad. Bad and painful are not the same thing.
Here’s what I mean by positivity. You put yourself in a position where you can see
your relationship the way it is right now without changing anything as being
good. Now, is there an argument that it’s good? Yeah. If you compare it to stuff
that’s a whole lot worse than your relationship, you’re going to see that yours
is pretty good in comparison. If you compare your relationship to all that
stuff you’re imagining that’s better, then you’re going to feel like you’re in a
worse position. What it is is always, always between better and worse? So, here
you are with what it is. What I’m suggesting is switch your mind to start
seeing this relationship as being good. Look at the ways that you are richly
blessed. That there’s abundance in your relationship. What are you grateful for.
In fact, focus on that gratitude first. Now, I’m going to get distracted on
positivity because I love to talk about that. But I promise you 9 principles.
Number 2 has to do with values. That’s the why behind a relationship. Why are
you in this in the first place? What are the guiding values that created this
relationship in the first place? Remind yourself of what those are. The third
principle is probably pretty obvious. It’s humility and the willingness to
change. This is on you. Now, I know that things would be a lot better if your
spouse would just… Right? Yeah. That’s true but it’s not helpful.
Because as soon as you identify what your spouse can change, then they
get all defensive and that doesn’t lead to anything productive. Focus on yourself
and your own humility and willingness to change. What do you need to change to
make this a little better? And probably you’re going to think of several things as
you watch this video. Just make note of that. Notice it. That’s going to guide you
to your next behavior. Principle number 4 is related to number 3. But it
has to do with your willingness to let the other person change. One of the words
we use for this is forgiveness. And that has all kinds of connotations attached
to it. But really, it’s the willingness to let someone else change. So, we don’t hold
history over their head all the time. Or we don’t insist in our own mind that
they’re going to continue to be the way that we’ve already thought them up to be.
Let them change, forgiveness. Now, the next principle is called respect. Respect.
Coming from you, alright? I know that it would be great if your spouse would
respect you more. Yes, that’s true. But not useful. What kind of respect are you
willing to practice? Regardless of whether someone deserves it or not. I was
in a group once of juvenile delinquents. And as I had a conversation with who’s
this kid in the corner, he’s got his hat on backwards and and he’s got this
attitude. You know, he didn’t want to be there and “You just tried to teach me
something Dr. Paul.” And I’m like, “Oh…” And we’re having a conversation about
respect. He says, “I respect those who respect me.” And I’m like, “Oh, wow! That’s
really hard.” Like who can’t do that? Here’s the challenge. You respect people
no matter what? Why? Because they deserve it? No. Because you are a respectful
person. This is about you. And let’s quit blaming other people for all of our
problems. This is one of the biggest things that gets in
the way of couples. So, you be a respectful person no matter what. The
next principle is one that we’ve talked about a lot. It’s love. Now, I’m not
talking about all the warm, fuzzy, romantic feelings. Yes, that’s a part of
love. But love is a choice and it’s a verb. And a couple come to my office not
too long ago. She slips out to take care of something. He confides in me while
she’s out of the room. “Doc, I just don’t love her anymore.”
I’m like, “Well then, love her! Duh!” Because in my mind, it’s a choice. It’s how he
shows up. It’s not about what he feels. I think the feelings accompany love. But
I’m talking about love as a choice. In some other videos, I’ve talked about how
there’s no neutral option here in the middle. Every interaction we have with
another human being is going to fall either on the love side or the hate side.
And I use the word hate because people hate the word hate. But think about it, if
it’s not love what is it? And it’s either a little or a lot. But it’s going to be
on one side or the other. So, I’m saying choose love always. What if somebody’s
choosing hate against me? Then it’s even more important. You take responsibility
for your own choices and commit to choose love. The next principle is
similar. It’s called compassion. But compassion has to do with kindness also.
And when you get to the roots of that word, it actually has something to do
with the willingness to suffer for something. Passion. Okay? What are you
willing to commit to this? How important is this to you? Especially I have to get
past all the mental noise of blaming or pointing fingers? How important is this
to you? Are you willing to suffer a little bit
to make this work? Compassion. Now, I’m not going to pretend that this is easy. And
that’s why the next principle is work. Good old-fashioned hard work. This does
not come easily. And everything worthwhile, I think is a little bit of an
uphill climb. Elevation requires effort. Default is down. Of course it’s going to
take some work. Be willing to do that. And then the last one, if we’re not having
fun, we’re doing it wrong. So, the final principle here to work on as you
reestablish trust in this relationship is wholesome recreational activities.
Yeah. Let’s have some fun while we’re doing this. I threw in the wholesome part
because there’s all kinds of recreational activities out there that
are not going to help your relationship ultimately. So, get clear about the values
you know, that we talked about in principle number 2. Wholesome
recreational activities, have some fun together. And I recommend for couples, for
married couples especially that you have a regular date activity. At least once a
week. A regular date. And during this date, have some fun. Life is to be enjoyed not
just endured. And during the date, don’t talk about the problems. You got other
times that you can do that. Simply have some fun. I know that’s a lot. But it’s
also guaranteed .You apply these principles, you’re going to start seeing
that trust coming back in. Sometimes, we need a little help with this. A great
resource? Not dot com. Dot coach. Where we’ve got Live On
Purpose certified coaches that are ready to assist you if you could use some help.

Michael Martin

10 Responses

  1. Dr. Paul thank you for sharing all your knowledge with us, it really helped me be a better mum and a better person.
    I struggle with anger management when parenting my 11 year old daughter. I want to write down a contract/set of rules for better communication between us, clear boundaries that will help us stop before we say things we regret ( before I say things I regret!) What do you think they should be?
    How to draw a line and move on after so many bad arguments that went too far? How to apologize and move on? We do say sorry but then bad fight happen again and again. How to fix this relationship before it's too late?

  2. My daughter is 4 years old. She refuse to sleep in the afternoon after the school. She is tired and need rest but whenever I touch the subject of let’s come to sleep. She gets very angry and cries a lot. If I forcefully make her sleep she will sleep at least 2 hrs. But before that she cries a lot. She is a very hot tempered girl and her forehead starts aching. I have tried to talk with her she does not like to talk on this. How do I make her sleep in the afternoon? Thanx. Pls help.

  3. It’s not easy when your partner changes their mind all the time. I do blame them. Yesterday they said they want to meet me but the next morning they don’t. I don’t understand. They haven’t called me for months. Is that depression or narcissism, I can’t tell.
    I feel very insecure. I had a narcissist parent and I feel like someone is gaslighting me again and taking advantage of me.

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