How to Develop Better Relationships



hey guys cam here today I'm coming at you from long beach california and today's question is from Ella hopefully I said your name right and it's from the stop gaming forum on reddit his question is this my question is specific about relationships I think that we have to develop profound relationships with people but I've been a little robot since I was a kid and so this is a little hard for me I get anxious around people and I know it's all in my head but how did you train yourself to have relationships and do you have some profound relationships thanks so you're absolutely right for human happiness and fulfillment we actually do need relationships relationships are a very important piece of our life and when it comes to gaming one of the areas that gaming does fulfill is social right the social relationship side is something really crucial and I'll go into this more in future videos but I actually believe that the community element of gaming is one of the strongest components and games are actually just the activity that we're doing but the community and the social relationships are what is really grabbing people to play them more and more so how do you develop relationships that's the question and I totally relate to what you've struggled with because I too have had a really hard time developing relationships I was bullied a lot as a kid I felt rejected I felt like an outcast and that caused me to isolate can play video games so I dropped out of high school twice I just kind of stayed in my room stay in the basement playing video games and not really talking to two they really trust them this served me in certain ways but I was still lonely and that's really what you eat focus on is if you're feeling lonely games aren't necessarily fulfilling that and that is something that we want to work on so how did I do it well when I first quit playing video games the reason I quit was because I wanted to learn how to meet and connect more with people I want to learn how to make friends that was my initial motivation so initially I started going out every single night and I went to clubs I kept the journal I was sober and I was focused on just learning how to meet people now after doing that for a couple years I realized that I hate clubs and I don't really like most of the people i'm meeting so i decided to change and it's funny right because most of us will identify as like introverts or people that don't really like to go out but that doesn't necessarily mean we don't like to socialize it's just maybe we don't like a nightclub at least that was how it was in my case so what I did was I started focusing on first who do I want to meet so it's not just about meeting anyone it's about who do you want to me who are the types of people that you want to spend your time with so for me that was entrepreneurs who liked to travel who are conscious who are trying to leave a positive difference in the world who will be a good friend you know a lot of my friends was younger treated me like I wanted good friends I want people who are ambitious I want people who were going after their dreams I want people who inspire me who also can teach me who I can learn from who could be mentors so now that I kind of understand that next piece is where do these people hang out and so the night club wasn't really that for me and instead I went to events like the higher purpose project or starting block or if you're in school you know there's different clubs you could join and what I really wish I did when I was younger when I was in middle and high school middle school I guess was I was so focused on trying to be in the popular kids that those kids treated me like whereas i could have focused on you know developing better relationships with people who share the same values as me like being a good person and all the things i mentioned earlier and that would have actually helped me develop relationships with people who actually cared about me and maybe my grades would have been better too but what you want to do is you want to find who do you want to meet and now where do they hang out and then go hang out in those areas that's why is it just things like martial arts and rock climbing gyms with your younger because that makes it easy for you to go and meet people okay so now what about if you're anxious first that's all right I'm anxious around people to what I focus on is every single day there are people that you interact with I go to coffee shops I go to restaurants i buy groceries all these places that I go there are people and so I practice on them and I just practice by trying to focus on a certain in 10 mine is usually about leaving them better than I found them so I try to have a purposeful conversation about something that actually matters and I just try to get to know them a little bit better I do that by being genuine when I'm asking them how their day is going or what they're excited about for the week and what's interesting is that over time that stuff compounds right so when you're engaging with people every single day that's stuff compounds and you may not become best friends with the cashier at your local Whole Foods or wherever you're shopping but you're learning how to connect with people better so then when you're in those scenarios where you're at an event or you're at an activity somewhere where you are able to connect with people that you want to hang out with then your social momentum is there you're not as nervous or anxious when you're meeting people because you practice right so every single day take the opportunities you have to socialize and take advantage of them I go to coffee shops every day and yes I love working on my laptop and I love coffee but it's also easy for me to meet people because they're sitting next to me so it's easy to say oh hey what are you working on and now that starts a conversation it breaks the ice and a lot of my best friends now I've met doing just that so the biggest difference in my life now between when I played video games and where I am today is due to the people that I've surrounded myself with and I've done that very intentionally and I've done that from the ground up I started from the bottom I didn't have any friends I was bullied in school I dropped out a lot of people thought i was going to be a fuckup and I've proved them wrong and I've done it by surrounding myself by people who believe but by believing in myself first so I hope that helps and if it does make sure you comment you subscribe below and share this with someone that you think it would help and if you have a question yourself definitely reach out leave a comment I answer every comment every email that's why I'm doing this stuff I'm doing it so I can help you guys out and to engage in the community so if there's anything I can do let me know and until next time thanks for the question peace

Michael Martin

4 Responses

  1. People in Norway hate talking to strangers. I guess we're famous for that, and it sucks, because if you talk to someone it's almost like they're afraid that you're checking them out.

  2. Great video Cam! Definitely the best way to make new friends is just getting out and talking to people. I find what really helps is stuff like meetup.com where everyone is gathered together for the same purpose, so it makes it pretty easy to start conversations. How long have you been going to this meetup? Are you part of any other meetups? Maybe you ask a question specific to the event you've gathered for.

    That's really helpful if you're interested in just meeting new people quickly, but it does get stale after a while because often it's the same people going out all the time. Taking a walk, going to the gym, etc. are also great ways to meet new people as well and might provide more diverse opportunities than meetups as well. The important part is that you can't expect people to just walk up and talk to you. You've got to be proactive. As you implied, you'll never know who you hit it off with unless you just start talking to them.

  3. Thanks dude. I have read your post on kingpinlifestyle and made me give a call to quit playing video games. It's a hard struggle but I haven't touched games for a week. My problem is im not really good at anything except science, math etc. But somewhere at highschool I wanted to "not be" a good student but have friends, so I droped studing thinking people will be less jealous on me. Everything went to worse. I'm as old as you but I haven't made a single relationship yet. Even worse cus I haven't studied good and made no connections with people, im without freedom. Even if I'm to go somewhere people just avoid me unless they see they can take money from me. I feel sick of this world. I replaced gaming with another hobby from your list. But I have a feeling the time has stoped for me, and no matter what im doing the time is just passing and I achieve nothing. I hate this feeling I have, it's like im not controling my self. As if im being controled. As if I'm on a path to destruction, and everyone around me act as it's how it's supposed to be and encourage me to go on and destroy my self. I'm not going to give up. You helped me try to change. I'm trying. I don't know why im writing this.

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