Healthy Vs Unhealthy Relationships | Colette Gallagher

Welcome To The Aligned And Confident
Dating Podcast with me your host Colette Gallagher and today our topic is healthy
versus unhealthy relationships. I think we are all ready to get started here today
on today’s episode of the Alliance competent eating podcast with me your
host Colette Gallagher so fun thing about being in an unhealthy relationship
is that a lot of times we don’t even realize that they’re unhealthy so the
way this happens is you start seeing someone things seem to be going really
well you like the person and then maybe something happens it’s just a little
thing so you overlook it and time goes by six months three months a year goes
by and all of those little things start adding up to a really unhealthy
situation and so that’s what I want to talk about today because it’s so
important to not only understand what a healthy relationship looks like because
somebody people don’t even have really good role models for a healthy
relationship and so they think that the drama and the fighting and the
name-calling and the jealousy and the yelling and all of those things are
normal parts of relationships and they’re actually not and so we can
actually reprogram all of our relationship and all of our relationship
expectations and things like that into a more healthy situation and so as a
healthy relationship champion I’m here to tell you that you can have a healthy
relationship maybe not like the person you’re with but maybe with the person
you’re with if things aren’t very healthy right now because it is possible
to change things if both people really love each other and want to change
things so let’s dive right into this topic we’re gonna have some fun in this
episode talking about those not so bright and shiny moments in a
relationship maybe the things that you don’t really want to tell our friends
word doing or we definitely maybe don’t want
other people to know that it’s happening but I some of these things are really
common so one thing that happens in a relationship is and I did this so this
is something that I used to do when I was younger was I would date people that
I really either wasn’t that attracted to or that I couldn’t really see myself
with long term because it seemed safer so my mom was married a bunch of times I
promised myself I wouldn’t be like that so I wanted it be more about the way the
person treated me than how they looked for a long time
and I’m not saying I dated like super ugly people or anything like that but
they definitely weren’t people I was actually like really attracted to
because I would be friends with them for a while and then I would think okay this
this guy is super nice and I get along with them really well and we have a
great friendship so why not make that a relationship so for most of my teenage
years that is pretty much how I dated was guys I was friends with that maybe I
wasn’t super attracted to but they were super nice but what ended up happening
was I ended up breaking up with them eventually because I wasn’t super
attracted to them and then I would just hurt them and so I’m not on purpose like
that’s not something like I set out to do but that’s just what happened when
you try to have a relationship with someone that you just you know you know
you’re not really that attracted to or you’re not meant to be with no matter
how much you want to you know it’s not really our fault if we’re not really
attracted to someone those are hormones and lots of things go into why we’re
attracted to someone and why we’re not and as a side note if you do find
yourself being attracted to people that don’t treat you well that is just like a
limiting belief and that can be changed so side notes so another thing I would
do is I would date fixer-uppers or men that I thought I could help I thought I
could I thought that if I loved them enough
they would change and be happy and so I grew up in a house where I was made
responsible for other people’s feelings and so I was blamed for people being
upset and mad and unhappy which is super unhealthy so unless you’re like
purposely being like a total jerk and you’re purposely like setting out to
hurt people if people are blending you for their emotions it just means that
they’re not willing to take responsibility for their life and
hopefully this isn’t you but just something to think about it’s well do
you blame other people for how you’re feeling so you can’t like no one can
make you feel a certain way you always have a choice with how you’re feeling
and so of course it’s okay like if you’re sad about something or you’re
angry about something that somebody did but all that really means is they broke
a value that you have or an expectation that you had but that’s not really on
them now if they’re hitting you or something like that then yeah that’s not
okay like walk away but they’re calling you names things like that and you feel
bad that’s not okay but I’m talking about like normal everyday things
they’re going on with their friends things like that and then you feel hurt
about it so that’s what I’m talking about where you’re feeling bad angry sad
about something that they’re just doing on normal day-to-day like living their
life doing what they want to do to make themselves happy so that goes both ways
so if you’re just living your life going out with your friends doing the thing
you know going to things and doing things you like to do and your partner
is mad about it then that’s not your fault you’re allowed to have a life that
you love in any relationship so getting off on tangents here so anyway so going
back to dating these fixer-uppers so because I thought it was my fault for or
like my responsibility to make people happy and to do what I could do to earn
love then I would date these men that were in love with their ex and her
broken and so I would try to like love them so that they could get over that
person and be in love with me or I would date people that were alcoholics or they
were just addicted to other things you know things like that so I would date
these men that were fixer-uppers and that does not make for a happy healthy
relationship let me tell you if you haven’t done this I do not recommend it
it is not a very fun way to but try it I have a relationship with somebody where
you’re the one who’s putting in effort to make someone happy especially if it’s
to the point where you’re putting someone else’s happiness first and
that’s one thing that I I think is just a total myth we’re we’re taught to you
know put a hundred and ten percent into a relationship and like make our partner
happy like no that is a recipe for a very unhappy relationship because you
can’t make someone happy it’s impossible and I learned this the hard way and
trust me I tried everything to make somebody happy and if they’re depressed
that’s it that’s like on them you know they have to decide to do whatever they
need to do to get over it so dating fixer-uppers is definitely not because I
don’t have anything to give if they’re depressed if they’re you know addicted
to something they’re not gonna have anything to give to a relationship so
they’re not gonna be a good partner it’s not gonna be healthy another thing I
would do is date men that just were not that into me so I had this really bad
habit for a while and it was to get huge crushes on men that just didn’t really
pay that much attention to me so again I was trying to like earn that love I was
trying to earn their affection I was trying to be somebody that they would
like and so when I was used to date I used to just kind of get to know someone
so that I could kind of see like okay what kind of person would they like
because I have a variety I like to do a lot of things so I can do
those things that that person likes to do and so again I used to compromise and
you know go to movies I didn’t want to see and go to events I didn’t want to go
to just to be with that person and that’s unhealthy you know if you’re
doing it once in a while it’s fine but if it’s like all the time where you’re
constantly having to do things you don’t want to do that aren’t fun for you just
because your partner wants to do it it might not be the best match so take a
look at that and just ask yourself do you want to spend your time doing stuff
that other people want to do or do you want to do it you would like to do that
would make you happy and find a partner that likes to do those things already
and then you do them together so this is something that one of my exes did he
totally was a different person when I met him then he would do all this act or
outdoor activities all of this stuff because he was trying to like woo me but
then after a while he went back to who he naturally was which was definitely
not a good match for for me he wanted to stay home and watch History Channel and
I definitely did not and so um just ask yourself do I want to do these things
long-term because in the very beginning of relationships we’re excited and we’re
willing to compromise because we like the person but in a long-term like if
you’re gonna be with this person for 10 years is this really how you want to
live your life so I think that’s how unhealthy relationships get perpetuated
is because we think like oh this is just a one-time thing or it’s not that big of
a deal right now but um you know after 10 years it becomes a big deal alright I
think that’s also why there’s so many divorces because people are like
overlooking a bunch of stuff in the beginning that they’re not really
thinking of like wow could I really do this for the rest of my life but I
really want to go to these sporting events for the rest of my life if the
answer is no you might want to rethink the relationship so another unhealthy
thing is when you’re not able to express what
need and desire in a relationship and so I used to totally hide my feelings for a
long time I didn’t even want to feel any feelings whatsoever so I kind of numbed
my feelings and just pretended I was happy all the time which is great except
for it’s still inside of you and so if you don’t let yourself feel things then
you can’t fully feel the good things either you’re kind of just numb you
think you’re happy but you’re actually numb and so the more you can feel the
sadness and the anger and the frustration and express them in a
healthy way the more you’re gonna be able to feel the love and the happiness
and the joy and the gratitude like really feel them and so for a long time
I wouldn’t let myself feel anything and I pretended I was happy and everything’s
great and everything’s fine and then I learned to slowly be able to tell people
how it’s actually feeling about things and and it took a long time before I was
able to tell my partner’s because I didn’t want to be rejected I didn’t want
to be abandoned I had like abandonment and rejection issues and so it’s not
healthy if you’re clamming up so this is like one of those stereotypical things
that people do when they’re mad they the fight-or-flight they go and they
withdraw and they don’t talk about how they’re feeling and they just like
ignore their partner for a while and tell they’re over it and then they come
back and then they’re loving and it’s okay to like take space but it’s
important to after you take that space to calm down to be able to express well
I was really feeling this way about what happens and you’re allowed to feel that
way and it’s not like you’re blaming your partner and so I’ve noticed that
sometimes when you tell someone how you’re feeling they get defensive and so
sometimes you might have to preface it with I’m not blaming you this is just
how I feel and just you know reminding them that you’re not trying to blame
them for your feelings but letting them know like they had this upset me and I
just wanted to let you know in a healthy relationship when you tell someone
there’s no blame there’s no you there’s no like oh this is your fault
I’m feeling this way it’s taking responsibility for how you’re feeling
and then knowing that you’re just sharing it for yourself so that they
know but it’s not in a blaming way it’s not in a shaming way it’s not in a like
you better change way it’s just like hey I’m feeling this way because of this and
it’s really just for you it’s like a confession right humans like to confess
all right they need to confess actually they people like to be able to share
their feelings and their thoughts in a safe environment so um if you can’t do
that that’s not healthy another thing that is a sign of an unhealthy
relationship is that you don’t feel comfortable around the person so this
can be in the beginning because you’re nervous and you think they’re just so
cute and you’re trying to like just give it a good impression so you’re not
really comfortable with the person or this could be after a while because they
start blaming you for everything and so you saw all of us I don’t feel like
you’re walking on eggshells around them or you can’t say certain things or
they’re gonna explode so that is not healthy communication is so important in
a relationship so if you feel like you can’t be yourself you can’t communicate
you can’t be comfortable you have to pretend everything’s okay you’re feeling
nervous it’s almost like you don’t know what you’re gonna get when you walk in
the door then that’s not a really healthy relationship and if you’re being
a martyr if you’re just sacrificing yourself for the relationship that’s not
healthy either and I think a lot of people are taught that so you know
partnerships should be like equal and it’s nice to learn to do things for your
partner it’s nice to want to put them first but you also have to take
responsibility for yourself and your own needs and desires in the relationship
and getting your needs met whatever that looks like in a healthy way another
thing that happens is we think we’re in love with someone but we’re actually
addicted to them so a lot of people are addicted to things they don’t even know
it so people can be addicted to sugar and so some people it’s like obvious
they are addicted to draw them so they’re addicted to alcohol but some of
the other addictions aren’t so yeah so being addicted to sugar or being
addicted to the gym or being addicted to sex you know there’s a lot of different
kinds of addictions and all that means is you’re you have to do it you have
this feeling that like it’s not you don’t have control over it like you have
to be with this person and so we can be addicted to love as well and that’s not
healthy because if we’re using our partner as a distraction from our life
which I’ve done that before too you know especially when I was taking care of my
grandparents and it was just so painful I would just go out and date just to
like distract myself but that’s not really healthy and it’s important to be
able to face your own demons look at your own stuff because a partner it’s
just a mirror and they’re gonna bring up all your stuff they’re gonna bring up
all your insecurities all your fears all your doubts if you’re feeling you know
anything negative about yourself it’s gonna come up because you’re gonna
project it onto your partner and think that your partner’s thinking those
things about you because you think those things about you and so yeah it’s
definitely a fun ride to be in a relationship having a mirror with you
all the time and so if you’re addicted to love then and then you have you know
like things that you’re trying to distract yourself it’s not going to work
because eventually those things are going to come up in your relationship
and the person isn’t going to fulfill that need anymore and so you’re gonna
look for somebody else and so if you find yourself jumping from partner to
partner because you meet someone and you’re so excited to meet them and you
were spending all this time with them and then all of a sudden you’re fighting
all the time and then you break up and then you move on to the next person then
that’s a good indication you have an addiction to the chemicals that happen
when you meet people that you’re attracted to
so another sign of it and healthy relationship is there’s no trust so
Trust is huge like it’s what that’s like the most
important besides communication trust and communication are the two most
important parts of a relationship and so if you don’t trust your partner and this
could be because they did them thing that like
was obviously not okay like they cheated on you and you found out then you’re not
gonna trust them and there might be something where you don’t know there’s
just something going on they’re a little off but you suddenly you find yourself
checking their phone texts when they’re not looking you’re looking at their
email you’re trying to track them down so you’re spending all this effort
wanted to know where they are what they’re doing who they’re doing it with
that is not a healthy relationship I’ve been with my partner my current partner
for almost three years I’ve never gone through his email I’ve never gone
through his phone and I tell people that if you feel the need to go through his
stuff or her stuff either look at yourself and what you’re doing because
again partners are mirrors so what are you doing that you’re not trusting
yourself like maybe you’re kind of thinking about leaving or you’re kind of
thinking about cheating so look at your own behavior first and see if there’s
anything going on inside of you that’s making you think about cheating are you
thinking about leaving or you think about doing something dishonest
and then if you’re you can’t think of anything then maybe it’s just a gut
feeling where we’re super intuitive and so usually we know we have like this big
sense about if someone is cheating on us or doing something that they shouldn’t
be doing because they start acting weird they’re acting different usually so we
kind of get the feeling that something’s wrong before
we actually like know consciously before they tell us and so if you find yourself
like not trusting your partner and you’ve already taken a look at what
you’re doing and you’re good you’re honest then you might just want to walk
away because it’s not worth being in a relationship with someone where you feel
like you have to constantly monitor them because you don’t trust them so these
are all for dating things that are unhealthy it’s different if you’re
married again unless they are just hitting you or being abusive that’s
totally different you know leave but I believe that if you’re married then you
work things through so you don’t want to get married if all of this stuff is
happening and so that’s why I’m such a huge proponent of looking at your
relationship and honestly and seeing if these are things that you
want to be with you know you want to have in your life in ten years from now
because things don’t usually change unless the two people really want to
work through it and really want to communicate and really want to commit to
the relationship and creating a healthy environment and changing these mistrust
issues and these communication challenges and these addictions and
these things that happen in relationships so now that we’ve talked
about the unhealthy part let’s switch over and talk about the signs of a
healthy relationship so I feel super blessed because I really feel like my
partner and I have a very healthy relationship and it’s something that I
haven’t really experienced truly before I mean I’ve had really great partners
really sweet men in my life but this one I feel like first of all he’s the
sweetest man I’ve ever met so considerate in a healthy relationship
you feel loved you feel cherish you feel wanted and you feel good and comfortable
and you’re excited to see your partner you’ve been after you know six months or
a year or three years you are excited and when you know they’re coming home
you don’t dress like oh gosh here they come again
um in a healthy relationship you’re actually excited to see your partner and
you express that I’m always excited to see my partner when we come home and
there’s no control like no one’s had there’s no power struggle there’s no you
know here’s how it’s gonna be let me tell you like there’s none of that in a
healthy relationship there’s two people who both have needs you both have a life
of their own and so there’s no like you’re gonna do it in my way or this is
how we’re doing it there’s like hey this is how I’d like to do it what do you
think there’s no manipulation and you’re not trying to make them jealous you’re
not Pressley trying to make them you know
feel bad about themselves and they’re not purposely trying to make you feel
bad about yourself there’s encouragement there is support you feel like you can
talk to your partner about your dreams and about what you’re working on and
about things happening in your life and you and they listen to you and they feel
and you feel supported by them and they encourage you so in a healthy
relationship it’s basically like you’re dating your best friend but you’re
actually attracted to them and you know have some fun you know you got the
benefits too and so you’re lifting each other up you’re you’re speaking kind
words into each other if someone has a bad day you you tell them you know what
it’s okay bad like it’s over what can we do to move forward what can we do to
make it better and that’s what my partner does in it like I love it so
much you know so if I’m having like struggle with something or challenge in
my business my partner will give me suggestions and he’ll listen to me and
I’m so so grateful for that sometimes I get nervous like so I hosted an event in
like a year ago and I was so nervous that no one was gonna come and so he
helped me carry my stuff in and he held my hand and so it’s like those little
things where you’re feeling nervous or you’re feeling scared and your partner
hold your hand now walks with you that’s a healthy relationship and then a
healthy relationship you’re you’re both getting your needs met but you’re not
expecting your partner to fulfill those needs I’ve talked about this a little
bit in my other video but we all have needs and we all have ways of getting
those met and some of those are healthy and some of those aren’t healthy and so
knowing what your needs are and how to get them met and you can ask your
partner hey like I have a need for some cuddles right now but you’ve give them
that space to say no and if they say no it’s like okay well when when will you
have some time to cuddle right and so it’s like not taking things personally
it’s not demand things when you want it and you know
allowing your partner to have a say in things without really taking it
personally and in a healthy relationship you’re sharing your life together and so
I was talking to I me a couple years ago you know before I met my partner and for
awhile I just had this belief that men didn’t want relationships it was
limiting belief obviously it’s not true but in my head like oh men don’t want
relationships men don’t want commitment and I believed that and then I was
talking to this man his name’s Aaron young and I had a conference and I
wanted to know we’ve been married like 30 years and I love talking to people
have been married for a really long time because I want to know the secret I want
to know what it takes to have a long-lasting relationship like that
because especially with the divorce rate how it is these days like I want to know
that that secret and so I was talking to him and he told me this story about how
a horse was born in his like I guess he lives on a farm
looks like acres and stuff like that so he said his horse was born and the first
thing he thought was I want to take my wife I want to go walk to it I want her
to come with me and I just really like touched me because it’s like having that
person with you your whole life no matter how bad things get because things
got bad and it’s life she was with him the whole time
so just knowing that like throughout your life you have someone to walk with
you and hold your hand who wants you there like that really touched my heart
and so that I think is a sign of a healthy relationship is the person wants
you to come with them that’s what you’re the first person that they think of when
something exciting happens or you know you there that your partners are
precious when you think of when something exciting happens and you want
to tell them you want to share it with them and you walk together and side by
side holding hands through life to me that’s a healthy relationship and just
sharing your life together you’re committed to their relationship and if
you have problems it’s not you versus each other it’s you and your
partner versus the problem and I think I learned this somewhere I don’t remember
but I think that’s so important when you realize remember that the problem is
outside of you guys you have a relationship you have a problem hand in
hand together you can figure out how to overcome the problem your partner is not
the problem and so I think that’s really really important to remember in a
healthy relationship all right guys thank you so much for tuning in to this
episode and I hope you join me for my align and confident dating coaching
program group coaching program in January you can find out more about that
on in my Facebook group so I hope to see you guys in there have an amazing
amazing day thank you so much for joining me on this episode of the
aligned and confident dating podcast with me your host Colette Gallagher if
you like this video please subscribe down below hit that like button
I would love to your comments please leave your comments down below and
please join us in my free Facebook group the align and confident dating Facebook
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would love to see you in there have an amazing day and I will see you next time

Michael Martin

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