GirlsFeed S01E06 โ€“ Shaadi Nahi Ho Rahi Yaar


Do you have to study so much? Your future in-laws may have a problem. Go to Goa or anywhere you want to
after you’re married. You’re such a big girl now.
Let’s look for a boy? We can’t spend so much on your education. We have to save for your wedding, don’t we? Learn how to cook if you want to keep
your husband happy. Keep a check on your weight
or it’ll be difficult to find you a boy. Hey, congrats on your promotion,
but you should settle down now. Stop stressing about your job so much,
just go get married to someone rich. All your friends have boyfriends, man.
Don’t you feel lonely? Wow! You look so pretty. You’ll definitely
get marriage alliances now! I had two children when I was your age. I’ve been trying to tell my mom,
I don’t even want to get married, you know? Do you? Finding a boy… ..to keep your husband happy… ..after you get married… ..settle down… ..go get married… Yeah, I think I want to get married.
It’s time… Hi and welcome to the last, final episode
of GirlsFeed. So…we today are ending with a topic
that is difficult for anyone to escape, no matter who we are, and what we do, and
what we believe, and who our family is. It’s marriage. It’s that ‘M’ word. So, where are y’all at? What is your scenes?
Who is close to getting married? Who is already married?
What are your feelings? I’m married, so yeah,
that’s the only applicable answer. But, like, if I’ll confess, I married
because of logistics. My parents were not letting me have
a live-in with my partner, so we thought it’s best if we sort of…
if we wanna like… For cohabitation we’ll have to sort of
live together and the only acceptable way of doing it is if we get married. And that didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Okay. Malini, you’ve been married
for a long time. Seven years, I mean… – Woah!
– It’s been a while. And you know what when I realised when
I was getting married that… I really wanted the wedding
more than the marriage. And I realised so…
That was the dream then. But I have to say in hindsight
I really do enjoy being married but it’s completely different than
what I thought it would be like… And I think that I’ve realised more and
more, like you have to work at your job, right? If you didn’t put any effort,
you’d get fired. – It’s the same thing in marriage
– Oh yeah. Damn it! – What?
– It’s very easy to lose your job there, yeah. At what part do I, like, stop caring about
everything and just live my best life? Is that not a thing? Yeah, when you wanna be single again,
that’s pretty much… Okay, so these two are married. And what are your single girls’ thoughts
on marriage? I am in a live-in relationship
and…marriage is a legal document. That’s all I think of it. – That’s fair.
– Yeah, that’s fair. – Facts.
– Yeah. I don’t know where I’m at
in the marriage thing, but, like, my mom is like, “You work so much and everything and then
I just feel like you’re missing out on your best years
by not being with someone.” And I’m like, “Fair, but I don’t know if
that has to equal to marriage.” But I’ve fallen for 1-2 schemes and I’ve gone for 1-2 arranged marriage
dates and everything. And it’s been interesting. But, yeah, I feel like at some point
I have to get married. To at least make my parents love me. Exactly, right? That really feels like
the only real reason. I feel like even in like arranged marriages
you were talking about I don’t know, like, what questions
do y’all ask each other. I think people should ask stuff like,
“How do you like your AC?” – Or, “How do you like your coffee?
– Can I have a pen? Those are real practical questions that it actually comes down to
when it comes to marriage. – I’m very single.
– Yeah. And…What do you mean, “Yeah”? – First of all…
– Yeah, I know. I thought my whole life that the one
pinnacle of achievement would be by age 30, like, have one very nice boy
locked down and conventional marriage with him and then feminism has happened in my life,
and books, and thinking and, independence, so now everything
is up in the air. No longer, “No if it will happen, if I want
it to happen…” – Cool, okay, interesting, so you’re open to it.
– Yeah, very open. And trying to be equally open
to not getting married. That’s where I’m at. It still feels like
marriage is the way to win life. Yeah. And I’m trying to get used to the idea that
maybe it won’t happen and I still win life. Yeah. If that checklist is not… – ..checked…
– Yeah, yeah, yeah… – ..then it’s fine.
– Correct, exactly! So, here we are to solve
my personal problems, I guess. – Cool.
– Cool, yeah, thanks. – Thank you all for coming.
– That I think is a positive answer. – We’ll take that as a positive answer.
– It is, it is. – You’re not averse to the idea of marriage?
– Not at all averse. – Yeah.
– All marriage applications, please – be left in the comments below.
– Yeah.. Before I realised I was queer I also kinda of had that idea that you know
it was like a checklist thing that I’m supposed to get married and I’m supposed to have kids. But I just never just
never understood it, like, I thought, “Okay, I’m supposed
to do it and I’m going to do it…” But I think when I was 16 I realised
that I was queer, and I was, like, that list just… – went out the window.
– Just throw it in the fire. – I was, like, it’ll happen when it happens…
– Yeah. ..but unfortunately right now it has
to happen but it won’t, so… And your parents are okay with this
checklist not being ticked? I guess, like, I came out to them only
like two years ago. So, they are just coming around
to the idea of like, me being queer, and you know,
now I’m openly queer, so… They’re kind of okay with it. But they don’t know I have a girlfriend,
but now they will, I guess. – But…
– Good time to let them know. Surprise! Yeah… So, yeah… So now I don’t know
how they feel about that. – We’ll find out.
– Yes. Do y’all have pressures with…
by your family and extended? Yeah, so no one ever put any pressure on me
’til I started living with someone, And my very feminist mother will attend
a wedding and come back and say, “So, like, are you guys
going to get married?” – And… Yeah…
– When will our time come exactly? The more that people ask me,
that much more I don’t wanna do it. Because, “F*** y’all. I won’t do it.” I solidly gave into the pressure
in many ways. Giving into that pressure means,
giving in to a lot of narratives about romance that are
very bad for an actual relationship. When you give into that pressure you choose
a pretty f***all relationship. Where two people feel like they
own each other, and what they are to each other is each
other’s stamp of validity in the world. And so newly I’m like, F*** that pressure,
“because I did it, I won it, I could’ve married these exes,
and that would’ve been quite bad. That would’ve been a s*** show. I was facing lot of pressure
when I finished college. So, actually… So I was like 20-21
at that point of time and my mom used to say it as a joke, she’ll
be like, “Oh, now we’ll get you married and…” Then my aunt started saying it
and it seemed a little bit more serious. So, if anybody, like, you know, watches
this video, they’ll know that you cannot talk to me
about this anymore. Talk to the government first. Make it
legal, then we’ll talk. For me the pressure has kind of been
more about kids. But even though, like, my family
is very progressive and all so nobody really comes out and says it. But I went to a wedding once, and my mom introduced me, “This is
my youngest daughter…whatever…” She’s like, “How many children
do you have?” And I was like, “I don’t have children.” And my mom, to defend me, said, “She just got married.” And I was like,
“No, it was seven years ago.” – Wow!
– So, it’s not like we’ve been trying. And they seem to feel sorry for me
when I don’t really need that pity. – That’s how I feel about unmarried also…
– That’s annoying. It’s the same. Like, what are you feeling bad ab…
My life is amazing! One big reason I want to get married is
for the wedding. And Malini said that’s why one reason
why she also got married. It is fun, I mean, I had three weddings. So I had a nikah in Dhaka; I had the court
signing and a big, fat wedding in Goa. And I realised that at that
age when I was doing it and I was in this excitement,
“I wanna get married.” At that age, I just wanted
to have a wedding. – I really did
– Yeah. and I didn’t know differently because
I hadn’t even thought about or contemplated any of these
things about what will marriage be like. And only after I got married,
the penny dropped that marriage is very different
from the wedding. Weddings are a sham!
Full sham! The ceremonies could be sexist
and some of them really are… They are, explicitly! And the vows, some of them are okay but
some of them are absolutely not acceptable. Also, I feel like every wedding, every
religion is so submissive that when I see a bride, I sort of
stop seeing them as a person. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – It just happens to me…
– Yes, yes! ..I’m not seeing them as my sister
or my friend. I’m just seeing them as someone who
has submitted to patriarchy and that is not something I can stand. So I just prefer not to go. ‘Cause I don’t want to see
my friends like that. – Aren’t your friends mad at you?
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gives relief from the society. I think one reason why we feel like
marriage is on the checklist and is important, and the one thing
that we’ve gotten most exposure to is, our parent’s marriage. I remember when I was a kid, like anything
small would happen to my mom, I’d be like, “Mom, I’ll get some money, you’ve to get
a divorce, we’ll run away.” And she was like, “Why? I don’t want to,
I love him!” – But I think that generation is different.
– Yeah. Our parents were much more accomodating. And I think they…I think it’s also a part
of our generation… I mean, I’m twice everyone’s age here, so… But I think that it’s really a part
of the thing is that we would not be able to make
the compromises our parents did and that’s why… And honestly people
were not supposed to live this long. – Yeah…
– Exactly. You were only supposed to last ’til you’re 30 – and then it was over. Yeah…
– This is true. I think our parents were also socialised to
believe that you’re supposed to be like… That’s the one person that you’re, you know,
gonna be with for the rest of your life. So there’s no option. My parents are, were I think they were
like best friends and they just had a baby. So…They were married. But, yeah, I think I saw them having
a very equitable relationship and my mom used to work as a lawyer
’til late in the night. Human rights lawyer. And my dad was a doctor, who was
on-call 24 hours. So I was just alone most of the times and… I was told very clearly by mother that, “We are adults and we make mistakes.
We like each other right now.” – Wow!
– “We might not like each other later.” – “And it’s our business, so f*** off.”
– That’s so cool. Wow! Like that…It’s a bit intense to tell
your child but cool… So I think, it really, like, – it’s a huge privilege.
– Yeah. Also, they had an inter-caste marriage
so they were not in the familial setup. That’s why there were those liberties. – We didn’t have to interact with family…
– That’s really important. Yeah. I’d like to know from the single girls,
like, what’s your fear about getting married. – Like, is that you think
– Yeah… – it’s gonna be disappointing.
– It is… No, so, I mean a lot of things
we’re talking about like domestic partnership
and who does what. Marriage originated because humans stopped
being hunter, gatherer, nomads. Realised, “Oh, wait. We don’t have to keep
moving around, we can stay in one place and keep getting food from this land.” Big mistake. They started building those houses. Men…
The word husband literally comes from, “person who tills the soil.” Oh… – Yeah, husbandry.
– Yes, husbandry, husband. And they’re accumulating more property
and wealth than they’re going to use in their life. They want someone to leave it to.
So there’s a woman kept in the house. And that woman, the children that she has
are now that man’s inheritance – She’s his property.
– She’s his property too because her only purpose is to pop one out. And keeping popping them out
’til a boy comes out because god forbid a girl will inherit. And this has just been passed down
so much and warped so much. And all sorts of cultural s*** has
been attached to it. – But it gets worse than that
– Yeah. because the reason marriage
also happened is that the girl had to go from father’s…
being her father’s property to her husband’s property, – because women could not own property.
– Exactly! – So actually you don’t need marriage,
– Yeah. – it was there for only that reason.
– Yeah, exactly. And now… So one big fight in feminism has been for women to be able to
own property, to own land. Now that that’s done, I’m like,
“Why do I need this actually?” Why can’t I, like…
Even sexual monogamy and romance became normalised
in the world because men needed someone
to inherit their property. Otherwise sexual monogamy
is not actually natural. Especially to women. Being romantic is a very modern thing. Before that, like you just mentioned, it
was all like business deals and alliances. – I think that, I like the idea…
– Yeah. …of— I mean you know, as much as
I agree I’m a feminist and all of that But I like, the thing I like about marriage is saying, “I love this person and I’m
showing my commitment.” And I know marriage comes steeped
in all of this s***! But it’s also this really
nice feeling of saying, “I’ve chosen this person, I love this
person, so I’m commiting myself to them.” This arranged marriage thing or just trying to think about whether I should
be accepting of it and all… Like, what are your views on it? But I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Yeah. And, as in, there are obviously
certain parameters which make it bad which obviously happens ’cause… – Although there are levels or privileges.
– Exactly, exactly, so… – Okay, when does it actually get bad?
– Yeah. – When you don’t have a choice.
– Yeah. – Or when you’re being forced to do it.
– Yeah. Or when you’re supposed to only choose from a pool of people because of the…
they’re the same caste as you. – Yeah.
– Things like that. Which is what, exactly what
arranged marriage is. – And we can’t not say that.
– Yeah. Yeah. Because all of arranged marriage
is about caste and religion. It is… – It’s not something I can approve off.
– It’s literally that. Yeah! What about, for instance, like, there’s
this whole concept of semi-arranged… Right? So… I was…For…My opinion
is that there are women or men who prefer an arranged marriage. And I don’t think that if somebody likes
the idea of having an arranged marriage we should look down upon that. – I think there’s a difference.
– If there… Given that they have a choice. So I think, see I’ve a lot
of my friends who are doing what they call the semi-arrange. Right? Their parents are introducing them
but they have that choice. Matchmaking is actually damn cool. I think who is the parent’s pool
that they’re giving their kids? Are they offering their kids people
of different religions? People of different ages? Professions? And even when my parents
are making this decision, their end purpose is that I stay in the
same class or a higher one. – Must keep lineage on top.
– A same caste and a higher one. Yeah, that’s literally their purpose. I’ve actually known people who have
actively, you know, they seek people from the same caste. Like if they want
to love, fall in love. Like I’ve known people, like, “You know,
I want to marry someone I choose but my parents are never going to agree.” Yeah. So they will only look for people in
their own caste or religion, and say, “You know what, that person
is like a better option for me right now.” So, in the example I’m talking about,
it didn’t work out because, That girl’s somebody, some relative was like, you know went told…
complained to her parents and then they just broke off. So, like, yeah… It’s a very new thought to me now,
when I open a dating app to resist the urge to check what job, what college, because I’m like, actually what I’m looking for is someone who will be kind to me, and who will enable my growth.
And that doesn’t have an educational requirement. And it doesn’t have a financial cutoff. There are some instances where parents
who are even accepting of their children’s sexuality and if they’re queer. They still
want people from the same caste. – Yeah, that was a news…
– I was like… What the f***! To be very honest, there’s no continuing,
of like, I mean we…. We’re not gonna make children
of the same caste. – Yeah, they’re not.
– So, that’s not gonna happen so… – I don’t know, like…
– What’s the point? Which brings me to, can y’all describe
in one line, what is your ideal marriage? I think, for me, an ideal marriage
would be, like Malini said, a very close friend,
a best friend, with whom I decide, you are my partner
with whom I’m building a life. F*** that last name s***. Like, I’m me, you are you, that’s been the
case forever, that’ll remain the case. If there are any boys listening to whom
that sounds even mildly possible, Instagram. So that’s my ideal, probably impossible..
Ideal. Ideal means… – Yeah.
– Maybe not. Mine is still very full,
full of conditioning. I don’t know if romance
can last that long but if it’s not then we’ll have a quiet
sweet companionship. Which I’m like open to divorce. I feel like after you’re divorced and
everyone’s like, “You’re so pathetic we can’t show you any boys. – “You make yourself happy.”
– Your ideal marriage is being a divorcée? I guess. So I think my concept of an ideal marriage
is… So you can do the paperwork but you still have to choose to be
with each other every day. Just like you would if
you were not married and you would continue
to make that effort. And I think that’s what would be ideal. Yeah. Yeah, I would… I would…
I would second her, like… Yeah. And also, like, being comfortable, especially in the scheme of things
I am in currently. Being comfortable, spending enough time
together and enough time apart. Like, you should be comfortable
with that because our lives are changing Marriage as a concept is changing and
how people live together is changing. And sexual chemistry. I feel that’s really
really important. Fluctuating! – Yeah.
– But it has to be there. – I think in my ideal marriage.
– In legal marriage. – Yes, yes, again.
– Legal marriage. – Yes, a legal one.
– A legal one. Government! Ideally, yeah, to be a friend,
like a best friend and you’re supporting each other
and there’s a dog involved. – Awww…
– 100% Oh, yeah! – Animals…
– I would like to add this to my answer also. I live in Bombay, I don’t think
we can do animals, no. Maybe like one those pink-color chicks. Animal cruelty… I can’t… I think we all have a lot to think about.
Maybe I do. But I still think my divorce plan
is a good plan. Thank you for helping… try to clear out my brain
and hopefully people who are watching also. And that’s a wrap on, hopefully
season 1 of Girls Feed. – Maybe there’ll be another season.
– Yay! I wanna thank everyone who came
on this panel and all the five panels before this. I also wanted to thank this crew and I hope that season 2 will
be even better than season 1 If it so exists.
Thank you! – GirlsFeed.
– GirlsFeed. – GirlsFeed.
– GirlsFeed. – Girls Feed…
– Cut! Hello. Is this Harish Bhai? Why did you put frills on the dress? I’d clearly told you that I want a simple design. I don’t want all that popular, flashy stuff. I’m sending Bunty over — please have it altered quickly. Everybody just wants to ruin things at the last moment.
– Okay, listen! I just got a call from the cake shop. They only have black forest. Mom, I’d told him a month ago
that I wanted a vegan cake. He can’t have chocolate! Also, please give your friends either
Abhi bhaiya’s or Bunty’s number. I’ve already sent a cab to the airport to pick aunty up, but just call and check where she is.
– I’ll call her, okay. Hi Bubu! Ready for tomorrow, right?
We’re gonna dance a lot! What? What do you mean you can’t come? No no, don’t send gifts and all, but you have to come. It’s our special day! Yeah, yeah. Just come for a little while. Okay, wait just a minute. Everyone’s waiting for you outside. Come say hi! Listen, guests are here. I have to go see, but you have to come tomorrow, okay? Cool. – You should go to sleep.
– Yes, mama. I’m just keeping the outfits
and the accessories on the table and then I’ll sleep.
– Tomorrow is an important day. I know, mama.
– Just let me speak. I’m so happy for you.
I’m so glad you made the right choice, and he’s the correct companion for you. And I know you’ll never let me down. We brought you up very well,
and you’ve turned out to be a very kind person. Right? Listen, come outside. Everyone’s here!

Michael Martin

100 Responses

  1. I would have wanted to have a person who doesn't believe in the concept of marriage or something.. who's not even open to it?
    I would've wanted to know their opinion.. maybe a little representation for people who dont believe in stuff like that.

  2. I don't know why they are so negative about marriage.. I mean marriage is such a beautiful bond.. Beautiful thing happen to anybody

  3. Glad to see women having discussion. This country needs it, then only will the population be controlled and a lot of social issues would disappear.

  4. Might I add, a big reason your parents prefer you to marry within the religion and caste is because they know the society and especially in-laws will likely be so sticky about imposing their own traditions on you that it will weigh down on the marriage itself. If the Indian society changed such that neither sides parents get to have say or influence on their adult kidsโ€™ married lives, the only consideration that remains is how the guy is and how you both can manage together, and then your parents would be more open to inter-religion or inter-caste marriage. Girls and guys our age (20s and 30s ) donโ€™t care so much about the caste or religion but their frigging parents do, and everyone knows, girl, after marriage, belongs to the new family , right.. That said, keep your eyes open and find that supportive guy when you are looking for arranged marriage options. See how excited he is about your education and career while also looking for a soft/kind side to his personality. Good luck.

  5. As I guy, I really enjoyed this. Didn't agree to everything but it was nice to hear other people talk about their views on something like marriage.

    Maybe now I'll watch the other videos.
    Good going girls !

  6. It's not really a good video.
    I am not sure they are talking about which era.
    I never faced such patriarchy stuff in my marriage or with my in-laws.
    I completed all my studies after getting married and, household chores are divided between both of us.
    Feminism is not this, feminism is just considering both gender same.

  7. Live your life. Don't give a damn to Log Kya Kahenge. None would compensate your loss , so never give in to pressure. Go ahead with what you want.

  8. I'm 21 and there's like was an extreme pressure from my family and finally they've fixed my marriage to a well settled guy and didn't care about my dreams, Bitch what??? I'm pursuing my masters and wanna have a stable govt. Job in not so good career option for girls.. Don't know what's gonna happen Bcz now I've to choose a career according to them and which suits their family, don't know if there will be any career or not lol.

  9. To buzz feed ,
    many people doesnt like this lady and her annoying attitude and yes that's the reason u guys have less subscribers.

  10. When the lady said that shr is twice the age of everyone in there. I was like 'girl seriously?'
    She is the sexiest one as well.

  11. Females were not built for monogamy? Since females have a much bigger biological investment into bearing offspring, they are built to prefer partners that are monogamous so that their offspring can be taken care of. Iโ€™m all for breaking the walls of patriarchy but donโ€™t misrepresent information yo

  12. If anyone likes Rega's thoughts on marriage, you can DM me too. (Instagram: @ritartress). Acceptance, friendship, and enabling growth are my keywords! ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. I fell in love with all the buzzfeed ladies.., because I hardly get any chance to talk about what i feel, think and want to do,
    I really want my parents to watch these videos…

  14. Omg why is this the last video? We love this series where you talk about common challenges faced by every girl out there. Please I wish you keep making videos like this.

  15. Because of this , girls were not allowed to study before.
    They knew one day you will start demanding.
    Start equality bullshit thought.
    Reject Misogynist Men.
    Won't serve husband.

  16. So from all my recent experience and watching this video I can clearly say that I am not interested in relationships or marriage at all. I am happy with my family and donโ€™t want any other person in life. Talking about friends, I can say that they also will eventually leave you be it because of marriage, long- distance or some issues ongoing so just invest in yourself and do what you love to do. Now my goal is to buy a house and live there alone and take my parents to yearly trips somewhere they love. End of the story๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ˜Œโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ

  17. Rega is such a domineering bore.. who seems love her own voice..but sounds rhetorical like most social media folks nowadays.. someone who comes across as a bra burning feminist, but could taunt n bring her female colleagues/ friends down. Nirali comes across as natural, but the most natural n straightforward is Sonia.

  18. I'm 21 and this is my biggest concern… when such questions will start hitting me from many people ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚and I'm a rebel so … It's gonna be a chaos ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃyay bring it on aunties. Let's fight ๐Ÿค”

  19. I feel like crying watching this video because the pressure is insane. Will never understand how people are so eager to control us and our lives with their narratives, checklists and constructs.

  20. Typical indian…. : wHaaaay rrrr u washting thhhat moch fud. U dont knOW hOeeeew Machaa thOse farmErs work.

    …… Probably this wont get much likes…. I just felt to speak my heart out.(dont waste food for content… U all are enough for the best buzzfed content)๐Ÿ˜

  21. This anchor sucks.. she is sitting at coffee shop or what… if ur not good to look at atleast talk well.

  22. Loved the advertisement though๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚sanskraridon

  23. Oh I so hope there'll be a season 2 of girlsfeed … BuzzFeed you've done a great job by coming up with this concept… it's like the need of the hour.

  24. Then feminism happened in my life ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ and now I have cancer

  25. I don think tgese things exist anymore coz i m staying in Noida n things are not the same now in tge entire society!
    But having said that :the episode on the sex taboo was absolutely so needed in the same younger generation.

  26. Thank you for this โค๏ธ Sometimes I get emotional and I canโ€™t get across my points as eloquently as I would want, now I can just share this link ๐Ÿ™ƒ People all around the world will connect with this much needed discussion !!

  27. so like my extended family is sh*t. yea they care and whateva but honestly i am better off without them so like its not related to marriage but like i want to pursue architecture once like i am done with my studies, my parents were REALLY supportive but then dumb aunties were like haww architecture has had no growth, your daughter will be jobless and now i am told to do csc which i HATE.

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