Divorce after 50: The Warning Signs and Red Flags for Grey Divorce! Are You at Risk?


so if you’re not having any
disagreements if you’re not having any rough-and-tumble
uncomfortable conversations from time to time then that’s a clue that you’re not
growing together it’s a clue also that more likely than not the woman has
checked out of the relationship thanks so much for tuning
back in to our second act with Paige and Silke today we continue our conversation
with divorce attorney divorce coach and former family court judge DeAnn Salcido
DeAnn thanks so much for staying over oh yeah thanks for having me well we just
finished a segment where we discussed we answered a viewer topic and men were
wondering why so many more women file for divorce than men and that’s actually
how we met on Facebook I was looking for somebody that could address that and you
know who’s more perfect than you both from a professional and I’ve been there done
that perspective and that’s what we want to talk about today you brought up a
really good point at the end of our segment so I want to pick back up on
that but the segment is really for both how do both men and women know that you
might you we’re at risk these are some red flags that you may not know
otherwise yeah so we were talking about like common experience that men have
related to me which is I had no idea this breakup was coming I didn’t see it
coming I thought things were going great I knew we had some bumps in the road but
I thought we had worked through it I wasn’t hearing anymore fights and from
my experience both in divorce court as a judge from being a woman who is just
tired of the broken record of arguments and from being a divorce attorney that
could be a red flag basically as as it’s common knowledge
like every healthy relationship will have disagreements because if you’re
healthy you’re going to have different points of view on things you’re not you
know clones of each other and so sometimes you will disagree
on how to handle a situation it’s it’s not that you’re going to always agree
it’s how you disagree is the measure of a healthy relationship so if you’re not
having any disagreements if you’re not having any rough-and-tumble
uncomfortable conversations from time to time then that’s a clue that you’re not
growing together it’s a clue also that more likely than not the woman has
checked out of the relationship and so that’s a huge red flag yeah see I
thought that was brilliant because I thought yeah that’s so true but we
didn’t quite express it like that women we like to engage we like to talk and
why we maybe but maybe we don’t like to fight but in a way we do that’s I mean
we interact like that and if we don’t there’s no interest
yeah and then so when you’re talking about gray divorce and what could lead
to divorce at this stage in our lives I think we have to also take into
consideration as I was mentioning to you at the break that we are at a point in
our lives where we’re gonna start losing either our jobs our children are gone
and then for some some people they are grieving the loss of a loved one or a
friend and so grief is a powerful emotion and if you’re not getting
counseling outside you might withdraw from your intimate relationships and it
impacts it and so that’s another thing grief is a leading leading predictor of
divorce and so I really really really want to emphasize to people that don’t
suffer in silence at least if you do need to and I’m gonna share something
personal and he’s okay with it my boyfriend right now he’s grieving he’s
grieving he’s lost his father and his brother suddenly in the last you know
two years and I love him to death and I’m not praying for patience but I’m
being patient as he needs to basically putter around the house he needs to be
in the garage with his music and he’s creating tasks for himself and if I was
not as confident about our relationship or like the beauty of it I could be
taking offense to that I could feel like he’s withdrawing I could feel like he
no longer interested in me and so grief whether it’s a loss of a job your role
in the household because the children are off to college or we used to
entertain around our kids friends and now we don’t know what to do with each
other grief takes many forms and so that’s
that’s another reason for gray divorce that’s again a great point because you
know and I have referred to that a lot and probably the birth of this platform
was when you wake up all of a sudden at 50 you cross that half century mark and
and so many things if they haven’t already change are about to you know
like you said we were heading towards retirement the empty nesters you have
everything you just said and then for women menopause
oh gosh don’t forget those hot flashes right oh my gosh and definitely we need
a patient person next to us in bed because the sheets are on the sheets are
off the windows are open their windows are off it’s it’s a torture for everyone
it is true it is it really is and and men you know go of course andropause
it’s not quite as as drastic as what we put our men through and and and I mean
that you know it’s well we think we’re going crazy and we don’t know what’s
going on with us you know how can our man understand unless we somehow find a
way to communicate that yeah I’ve seen a lot of friendships women losing
friendships dear friends they’ve been decades long friends and something
happens during menopause and things are triggered that you know old wounds are
resurfacing and or they’re just blown up to a different degree then then really
matters and then that’s why they have those hallmark movie channels where
we reconnect you know they reconnect when somebody’s
diagnosed with cancer or they you know another tragedy happened so don’t let
that happen to anybody we all need to just be more forgiving in this world as
my advice in that regard and well and again with you know going back to how we
originally started our our segments here which is men wondering why women file so
much is that the not listening you know that’s the biggest complain
and that women have is that they’re not being heard in the relationship uh not
being heard and again it goes back to with the menopause that you just
mentioned sometimes women our bodies are fighting against us and then we have the
stress adding to the cortisol adding to our weight so we are also not feeling as
sexy as we want we have all these images at the checkout lines with our Ben and
Jerry’s like what we’re supposed to look like but I’m like I really need my
Cherry Garcia ice cream tonight or someone’s going to die so so we like
we’re fighting with ourselves like I shouldn’t buy this but I want it and so
if we’re not feeling sexy either that can trigger us to overreact on
situations we’re like something that is a neutral
action by our partner could be taken by someone who’s not feeling confident and
sexy as a rejection when it’s not it’s just I just wanted to take a shower by
myself tonight you know oh not like oh he doesn’t want me because I bought the
you know Cherry Garcia ice cream and I ate the whole thing in one sitting so
neutral acts and so that’s where it like again divorce coaching and any type of
coaching we need to just take the action for what it is and not assign meaning
sometimes yeah which is which is what I think women do that more so than men yes
so that’s why I said like having emotions is great but it’s also a
responsibility and we have to make sure that we don’t assign too much meaning to
neutral acts as well as women I would say yeah again that’s a great great
point and I mean I hear you loud and clear I’m one of those you know I oh boy I
overanalyze everything and then you just keep thinking and thinking and
next thing you know I’ve created something that has no basis so yes and so
I’m guilty and that’s why I’m even you know using these examples I’m guilty but
what I’ve learned is when these ideas start to go through my head I need to
just express it and if I express it if whether it’s to another friend or to my
boyfriend then I find out it’s really not that big a deal and almost
hearing myself saying it out loud can minimize it it’s like oh yeah he just
needed to take a shower okay and he didn’t need me to scrub his back today
you know so there’s things like that you know yeah well and you know at this part
of our life especially if we’re married a long time there’s so much I won’t call
it baggage but history and so much resentment that’s been built up you know
then I mean that’s all normal but it’s how we deal with it at this point that
that becomes critical so we are at the end of this segment again already is
there any anything you’d like to leave in closing as a final thought well we
were talking about like what are the red flags of your relationship and again
just like I had mentioned before always do a check-in whether you’re the female
or the male or is everything good how’s it going um it doesn’t mean you have to
solve the problem that night so don’t feel like oh my god if I ask that
question you know I need to answer it and the other thing is also on the
woman’s end if you’re not feeling good about yourself don’t put that on your
partner put that back on yourself and that’s what I would say you know yeah
maybe I shouldn’t have bought the Ben & Jerry’s but I’m gonna start again
tomorrow so it’s not a reason to go buy more cookies tomorrow like every time I
hit a red light out in traffic we don’t turn around go home so just keep plowing
through is what I would say yeah great advice yeah I will I’ll hold you
over for another segment and we’ll see you next time on our second act with
Paige and Silke thanks so much for watching if you
haven’t already done so please be sure to subscribe to our channel the button
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Michael Martin

3 Responses

  1. Why should men ever get married if women just leave and take half their stuff? Not to mention child support and alimony. Don’t get married, men. It’s a guaranteed life wrecker that you can easily do without.

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