Divorce after 50: Avoiding Some Common Mistakes of Gray Divorce! What Men and Women Need to Know!

do we want to provide some perspective
on that in this segment when it comes to settling and not wasting a bunch of
attorney fees yes absolutely thanks so much for tuning back in to our
second act with Paige and Silke today we continue our conversation with DeAnn
Salcido she is a former family court judge she
is a divorce attorney and divorce coach and guess what we’re going to be talking
about gray divorce DeAnn thanks so much for joining me again oh it’s a pleasure
I love it we just finished two really great
segments on how to you know avoid this part we do you know that that’s the goal
here isn’t divorce it’s understand why we get to this point and sometimes we
can you know save the marriages or and sometimes we don’t thus the high
divorce rate especially among people over 50 and in long-term marriages DeAnn
let’s talk about some of the common maybe mistakes or some considerations
people don’t think of when they begin this process of navigating gray divorce
excellent questions common scenarios where I have seen people come to me as a
divorce lawyer or in divorce court when I was a judge especially at this point
in their lives is on the asset division issues as well as spousal support and
when you’re a younger couple unless you come from the Kennedys or the
Rockefellers you usually don’t have a lot of assets that you’ve built up
together and so that is it’s easier to split sometimes the less the less you
have and so the more that you’ve accumulated over time longer marriages
if some one party comes to the relationship with higher level of assets
than the other that’s where complications arise and so
one thing I’ve always wanted to point out to people they come to me trying to
fix their situation is if you’re the person is going to be receiving support
so I’d say child support or spousal support a lot of people who don’t have
attorneys they fail to recognize that you have the option of requesting that
the other person maintain life insurance and they list you as the beneficiary on
it in order to protect you and the child in the event of an untimely death now
it’s an uncomfortable situation oh my ex is going to have life insurance on me
but obviously we’re not talking about Criminal Court here we’re talking about
family court matters right so it’s an excellent provision and if you’re the
person who has to pay support and I have been as a high earner as a judge getting
divorce I have been the person ordered to pay support in my own case so if you
are that person you also want to have a provision in there it’s very important
check with an attorney on this that doesn’t require you to keep it at any
cost it always has to be based upon reasonable reasonably priced life
insurance policy or if it’s one that your employer provides because if you
retire and you were giving them the one that your employer provided but now
you’re no longer working does your judgment require you to keep it going
even though you don’t have a job or now you’re on retirement income so these are
things that come up in court a lot where people are retiring or they’ve lost a
job and I don’t want to keep paying for the life insurance anymore but she has
an order that says I need to keep paying for it what do I do
so that’s one common area look into life insurance issues and then as a lot of
people got let’s say they got divorced in 1990s and now they just forgot about
that order and they’ve kept it in place you can always go back and petition the
court to get that taken off if it’s no longer needed or get the amount ordered
lowered if you can’t get an agreement out of court yes so life insurance big
big big consideration at this point yeah for both sides there’s things that you
can negotiate and you can revisit it at any time so don’t you should look at it
what are some other mistakes or considerations that we don’t like I
didn’t think about life insurance I don’t think I had that in my divorce
yeah I but I don’t want to make this about me but yeah good point yeah we don’t don’t necessarily think about that oh you think okay he’s agreed to
pay me this amount or I’ve agreed to pay this amount and I’m gonna get this and
that’s all you’re thinking about how much I’m gonna get now but what happens
if that person whose ordered to pay you suddenly expires your support is gone
with that person so this is a security for support yeah so that’s an option but
another common misperception especially relevant to
gray divorces is social security myths and opinions and misconceptions about
what is an eligible person so let’s say you get divorced you’re gonna be able to
still be eligible if you had a long term marriage by Social Security standards
which is a 10-year marriage okay so if you were married for ten years and you
both worked or you didn’t work you can still collect Social Security based upon
your spouse’s eligibility and what he or she was making so you are eligible for
50% of what they’re going to collect as far as spousal I’m sorry Social Security
retirement or Social Security disability and a lot of people don’t know that if
they remarry a lot of people think oh well that’s it I don’t get it now
forever from my former spouse but if you remarry obviously while you’re remarried
to that second person you can’t claim from your prior spouses income however
if your second marriage ends whether its death annulment divorce you can still go
back and claim Social Security benefits under your prior spouse if your marriage
was one of ten years or longer so that’s a common mistake that people don’t know
about those rights when they think once I married somebody else I’m no longer
eligible under my prior spouses income and that’s that’s not the case very
interesting and you know I don’t like people listening well I know there’s a
especially here on YouTube we get you know the the I’ve been raped comments
there’s a lot of men and in an our age group there is I I would say that the
men were the you know primary earners yes had the primary income although that
has shifted a lot you know in my divorce I didn’t know it was equal I didn’t get
it you know there was nothing you you pay several of my friends paid so
that that has shifted so some of the that anger needs a shift to I I do we
want to provide some perspective on that in this
segment I mean is that it when it comes to settling and not wasting a bunch of
attorney fees yes absolutely so attorneys obviously are the only ones
who benefit from continued conflict so be sure to always pick an attorney who
lets you know like yeah we can fight for that but this fight for that issue but
this is the cost of that fight and you know we can’t we can’t get this time
back when you’re spending it fighting that’s one thing get the right attorney
there is a problem in family court I’m not going to run away from that there’s
it’s an industry all right so anybody out there who’s
paying support and maybe you’re angry about it or you’re resisting advice to
pay a certain amount of support just want you to know that really the law is
gender neutral and part of what you need to consider is how did I get this income
how how was I able to get those promotions so if you were made you know
executive vice president during the marriage but you started out you know in
the small mailroom copyboy the reason you were able to do
these promotions a lot of times is because someone at home was making sure
the kids were going to the doctor’s appointments someone at home was making
sure the homework was done when you were staying out late for those schmoozing I
got a power through the meetings and when you went to the golf tournaments
because the person that you want to work for and transfer to their next
Department was gonna be on that golf team and he or she asked you to be on
their golf team and you said yeah I’ll be there all day Saturday and I’ll stay
late and have a beer with you who was home making sure it was clean and doing
all the other stuff so the law does do that and it’s gender-neutral because
these days we don’t know whether that is going to be the man or the woman from my
perspective I have paid spousal support and I became a judge during my second
marriage I was a prosecutor at the time and I’m saying this to help my own anger
at the fact that I’m like initially I’m like he didn’t go to law school he
didn’t take the bar exam why am i having to pay so much money he didn’t help me
become a lawyer he didn’t go to these meetings and and meet these people but
you know what he did do the night that I said honey I’ve been invited to this
meeting or honey I need to do this presentation he was
home he was there to take care of the kids he did that for me and so I would
not have been able to accept those invitations to those golf tournaments
and do I need to go pour wine for this judge and tell her have you lost weight because he was their home allowing me to
do that all right so it’s it’s it’s it’s a deal it’s a bargain
and it’s like you we got there as a team and so that’s that’s part of what the
law contemplates when it orders spousal support in the manner it does yeah well
and that’s the big takeaway is that we have so much resentment or depending on
what the reason for the divorce was especially if there was infidelity and I
you know we’re so angry that this is just part especially this late in life
why waste a big chunk of your money that you can now retire on on attorneys nope
you know and there’s just a lot the law is the law and and yeah so that that’s
the takeaway here well we are again coming to the end of our segment i what
anything else come to mind that is is really important when it comes to
navigating great divorce just one last thing you know if you do have property
inheritance happen a lot during this kind of our lives or our parents pass our
aunts pass and we receive inheritances inheritances are separate property in
general of course I’m speaking from California law but it doesn’t mean that
community property money wasn’t used to improve that inheritance or wasn’t used
to pay for it later so you may be earning an interest that is recoverable
even if it was a separate property asset so that’s something to possibly consider
consulting with an attorney about that you know a great advice
well DeAnn in finally closing out then sum up again your three primary tips if
spousal support look at our child support look at making sure in your
divorce terms that you’ve secured some life insurance to make sure you have
security in the event of an untimely death the other thing is make sure you
check out Social Security eligibility even if you’ve remarried there could
still be a reason why you’re eligible to receive benefits under a
former spouses higher income than yours and the last issue was don’t assume that
because it’s an inheritance that the community has not received some legal
interest in that property through behavior during the marriage well all
very important financial considerations that we may not mean I didn’t know like
you said earlier like I said earlier one of them so thank you again for bringing
that up and we’ll see you on our next episode of our second act with Paige and
Silke sounds good thanks so much for watching if you
haven’t already done so please be sure to subscribe to our channel the button
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every time we release a new video see you next time

Michael Martin

7 Responses

  1. The biggest blow to marriage and partnership in the last century– this mad grab for money and assets.
    It should be CRIMINAL COURT..

  2. The alimony laws may be neutral but in effect they punish the higher earner no matter what the circumstances are. The only way to protect yourself is to always marry up and make sure it stays that way. Allowing a spouse to give up a high paying profession for something easier or more satisfying may sound like a nice supportive thing to do but it could obligate you to finance their nice relaxed lifestyle forever.
    Good advice on the life insurance. I think you should take it a step further: have the life insurance fund an annuity that provides them the agreed money stream until the obligation runs out. Then the remaining annuity can go to your other heirs. After all, you owe the ex a revenue stream, not a cash windfall.

  3. The minimum ten year marriage for SSI is something that I didn't know.
    Divorce Corp Documentary


  4. The number 1 cause for divorce is marriage. I councel my clients to avoid marriage at all costs. Marriage is a bundle of laws designed to make divorce lawyers rich. These laws are antiques that should be done away with. Marriage is for suckers.

  5. The mad grab for money lucky we don't have much of the alimony dribble , and of course pensions are set by the state. Its still horrible for men continued conflict is a way of draining your funds. Yes I was at home looking after the kid at hospital etc with a complex illness while to spouse moved up in her career, yes I renovated the houses , yes I went back to work in a hazardous technical job, Yes my inheritance went into the house , Yes I was laid off and now I'm being screwed over after being left or blindsided after an abusive 23 yr marriage (yes I m an idiot) – false allegations underselling assets massive over claims for the residual money. You need your Lawyer just to hold at 50/50 if your lucky most men lose 70/30 of the assets no matter what or how badly they have been treated. I'm not anti women by a long shot two half sister daughters three grand daughters that have all been alienated from me, my mother was old time women's libber I could see her point in the 70's things were bad for women's rights, but the deal men get from the family court is undeserving of the term justice the assumptions should be equal going in and false allegations should carry penalties if they have zero proof of anything, because of the damage that can be done from them, most made to increase financial payoff. Still in the mill eight mouths later no resolution. Not to say but life will be better after its all over but for sure and this will never happen again – work may start again with the rebuilding and I have people to see an old friend for one.

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