Advice on relationships – Gary Douglas



you hello adjusters co-creators Lilu here on the juicy living tour near Santa Barbara my hometown my birth town I love it feels so special to be here that's amazing you were born here that's I feel great the weather is wonderful we're with this beautiful stallion here I know my stallion that's a ah Blaine love this boy very very my Pegasus in my life we're gonna have this conversation Gary about infinite possibilities and how really life I'm really interested to get into the relationship part this time you're the founder of access conscious and you're living here this is this amazing life and I've learned already so much from this conversation I mean from you just watching you being with the horse and being yourself and you you really you're the same on off-camera and I love that some people not everybody's like I know I know and it's like but I realize this like you know it's like the thing is you want to be who you really are no matter what and it's like if I'm caught on camera I'm gonna be me you know and we have this wonderful you know lady that works for us Justine who's always telling me what I shouldn't say and every time she tells me I shouldn't say something I say it so that's like I finally warrior I said don't ever tell me what not to say because that would be the one thing I will have to talk about it's a relationship that's a big one that's a big what why is that such a challenge for most people are aware only that why are we not free and happy to be well first of all relationship means the distance between two objects and it's like and the thing is most of us instead of creating a connection with someone and being with them we start to divorce ourselves and create distance right away it's like one of the one of the precepts I have a book called divorce less relationship which is about how to create a relationship with someone without divorcing you and what I noticed even in my own relationships as I would divorce me to try and make the other person happy as and it just doesn't work you all want to be in that place where you are present with the person where you can allow them to be exactly who they are and have no point of view about what they choose and they need to be that for you know it's like I say there's three three things you need to have in order to have a fighting chance of having a relationship number one that Goodin bet they aren't getting bad you're gonna get rid of them eventually number two if they have to provide money or some kind of currency now I have a lady who her boyfriend doesn't provide money but he cooks and he does all kinds of things and cleans and takes care of things and takes care of her and takes care of all the excellent stuff that she used to have to pay for so he is providing money in that regard and the third thing is they have to be willing to let you do whatever the hell you want to do whenever they want to do it and you have to be willing to let them do whatever the hell they want to do when they want to do it and it's like if you have that you guys fighting chance I'm having a great relationship attracting that right partner what does that happen it's like hey well first of all you got to get you got to be willing to see the person as they are most of us that I think the thing you got to do is like take your most desirable list and tear it up you know it's like I want a man who's who's good-looking and you know has money and will treat me kindly good friggin luck you know and you got a tear up that and go okay so what would I like my life to be like what what can I add to my life with a relationship because it relationship should be in addition to your life not a replacement for your life and I see more people trying to replace their life with a relationship then create their life beyond a relationship it's like what can this person contribute to me what can I contribute to them what would make this relationship work dynamically for me and I think the first thing first thing I recommend to people is number one make a list of all the things you like to have in somebody had a relationship with number two make a list of all the things you would not like to have because most of us are willing to look at what we think we'd like to have but we're not willing to look at what we think would not like to have and I did that with my first wife I had a list of all the things I'd like to have in a relationship she was all of those but she was also everything I would not like to have in a relationship with my second wife I got better except I mean one tiny mistake I said I wanted somebody who would fight life's battles with me what I should have said is fight life's battles alongside of me she fought me all the time and it's like oh okay I got exactly what I asked for I just didn't ask for the right thing is that dr. Dane they're on they're on the beautiful ride we're just oh my goodness so beautiful look at those horses aren't they pretty look at dr. Dane isn't he pretty it's the horse it soars of course looking good too cute so I've missed that interview with dr. Dane please yeah yeah because I was awesome we did a part on sex oh did you get he's good about sex thing to say about sex yeah sex is something that you should do for the joy of it not because you have to it's like you know it's like sex should be something that's fun for you not something you do from judgment and what I noticed is most people do sex from judgment it's like it's like most men have learned to be aroused sexually by judgment because they watched you know porn to learn how to be a man and it's like and there's a whole lot of judgment important and it's like when you have somebody who doesn't have judgment it's like it's really hard for some men to get it up and what a man can't get it up it's because there's not enough judgment in the room for them to feel turned on weird huh and that's what they label in impotence it's actually not impotence it's the lack of judgment they go with somebody who has judgment they'll get it up just fine very different here we're having very different conversation than what we were to hear yeah well I always talk about what nobody else will talking about so will Dane in life whether it's the relationship or the sex or our relationship to money or whatever it is the the that freedom cuz your latest book where the keys to freedom ten keys to freedom you know how can how can we really get into that freedom space where we're just like pure infinite beings actually you talk about you man oh it's on which is an interesting concept can you see it's like the the humans are the people who always judge everything humanoids always looking for what else you know it's like if you're a humanoid people are always telling you you know if you just stop going to all those stupid seminars and stuff and just sit down and watch television drink a beer you'll be fine it's like no I won't you know it's like the reality is you as a humanoid know there's got to be more humans just don't care you know that's like and if you get into a relationship with a human and you're a humanoid they'll tell you how wrong you are from day one non-stop 24/7 and then usually what happens is you don't want to have sex it's like makeup sex happens between humans not humanoids it's like if you you know piss off your partner when you're a humanoid when when they're humanoid it's like they don't want to be touched by you they don't want to get near you for days don't make that mistake you know you got to learn that thing of being in allowance which is one of the ten keys has to be an allowance and allow them to be what they are and have what they are and choose what they are and have no judgement about it and it's like you live from that and then you get a chance of having a great relationship because it can grow and it's like you know it's like there's there's five elements of intimacy honor trust allowance vulnerability and gratitude everybody goes where's the love I said you ever noticed that people will do unconditional love I unconsciously loved this person until they piss you off and then suddenly it becomes very conditional why is that because they don't really have gratitude for the person they love them and it's like when you love somebody you have to come to a judgment because basically what it boils down to is there are about eight god zillion definitions of love and so if I say I love you and you say you love me we have no idea what each other talking about we just assume that if I say I love you I assume you know what I'm talking about if you say I love you you assume I know what you're talking about it isn't true but if you're grateful for somebody no matter what I'm always grateful for people that lie to me because I know I can trust they will always lie so I don't have to have blind faith and a whole lot of people have this idea that trust is blind faith now you don't want blind faith you want to wear nuss and trust realizing the person will do what they're gonna do like in the United States there's a lot of this talk about he never puts the toilet seat down and I go yeah why should he and they go because I might fall in I said yeah it's like I hate to tell you this lady but I fell in the toilet seat I felt an a you know cold porcelain bowl once and ever after I have checked I have never fallen again because I always check to see if the toilet is down I never assumed that it's going to be any place other than wherever it is and it's like you know what I don't get you you have fallen in more than once and you don't check all the time I fall in fell in once I check all the time I didn't like that experience apparently you like the cold yeah the cold on your butt you know you need to look from a different place late but there's a big thing about that and I'll train him you know what you don't want to try and train your relationship if you're training the relationship you're actually acting him look you know acting like he's an idiot that's not a good place to come from that's not gratitude if you have gratitude for the person you realize their shortcomings but you're grateful for their long comings it's like you know or they're coming along whatever yeah whatever turns out but it's like you got to get that there's a different way to look at things if you're willing to recognize that you know what there's a different possibility with this person well what kind of contribution can this person beat in my life should be one of the greatest questions you ask you know because you know you're not looking for somebody to just take out the trash if you are you hire a boy toy you you know and use them and abuse him but if you really want somebody to be in a relationship you got to see what they contribute to your life and usually what they contribute is something that you personally don't have in your repertoire and that's an amazing thing when you get together with somebody who actually contributes to your life by bringing something to the party that you don't personally have and when you have that then you have a platform off of which to create something greater and that's what you got to look for in a relationship you don't look for that isn't going to happen when things don't go like go wrong or something like a big thing happens in the relationship or we get annoyed like what what did you that you still ask that question how does it get any better than this everything that is to me POC and pod dad because this thing is it's my reaction that's creating the problem not the fact that they did it my reaction is my unwillingness to have a different point of view not that their point of view was wrong but then I was like what kind of point of view should I have you know with one of my wives it's like she would go off to do belly dancing and she would always have an affair with somebody while she was gone and she'd come back and tell me she was leaving me for them and say something kind of disparaging about body parts and and why she was leaving me for them and then they would dump her and she would come back to me and it's like it's like and I did it and did it and did it and finally you know this I just don't wanna do this anymore it's like you're gonna spend our entire life together doing this going off and having affairs I don't really enjoy that that much you know I think it's time for us to end our relationship and so we ended the relationship and she went to all of her friends and said I don't know what's the matter with Carrie I've done everything everything I possibly can to make it better and he won't even talk to me about it I went what is everything and when did you ever talk to me she never talked with me she always talked at me it's like you got to get the difference and you got to look at so it's like and the one thing I want to say is if you're in a relationship ask yourself what eight things would have to change for you to make this relationship work and if more than five of them are things that the person can't change your relationship isn't gonna work you know with my last wife I said okay so what eight things we have to change here and I realized if I asked her to change those things it would those six things that would have to change for it to work for me that would be like asking a leopard to change his spots you can't do that and so I knew it wasn't kind to ask her because she'd try in her own way but she'd never be able to do it because that's against her grain of her own reality and you got to see when you have somebody who can't go where your reality is and can't have a reality that matches yours that's what kills relationships people-pleaser how does that work oh that's called romantic stupid people like me I was a romantic I used to be a romantic and I always believed that if you love somebody enough it would change everything I finally got to the recognition I am just damn dumb because it doesn't change anything loving somebody doesn't make them love themselves and it's like if somebody doesn't love themselves you can't convince him you can't make him do it you can't talk him into it you can't you can't kiss body parts enough to get that to happen just not this isn't gonna work so I gave up romance I still liked romantic dinners I still like you know flowers and all that kind of stuff I enjoy that but I never have the idea it's gonna go anywhere it's just for tonight and just for fun and if you function in your life from just for me just for fun and never doubt anyone you'll have a lot better sex life and a lot more fun deepen that the relationship if you want to feel more that is that something you ask also those questions from access consciousness to yeah you ask the questions if you ask the question okay so what else is possible here or what could I be or do different today that I've never considered it's like yeah you know it's like most people get into the habit of creating the relationship from the same old you know it's like this is the way we've always done it so it'll get better if I just do more of it that doesn't really work what you know it's like the reason you fell in love with somebody in the first place is because you saw them and you realize wow this person is amazing and you had no judgment of them and they had no judgment of you then you get into the relationship and you start judging how oh they might judge this they might judge this they – so you start cutting off pieces of you so they won't judge you even though they haven't seen those parts of you and they can't have judge you yet because they haven't seen him but rather than realizing okay you know what just expose myself and be me and if they jump okay it's not gonna work you try to you judge you first as though judging yourself first is the better way to handle things it isn't first of all the things most interesting is the things I always thought people would judge about me turned out to be things they didn't judge you me and the things that I didn't think they would judge about me we're all the things that they did don't you do that are all the things they would judge about me and I went okay things need to change and I need to be aware instead of in la-la land in romance land and stupid man land to try and figure out what's supposed to happen when we're aware when we're not awareness then we can sense things to first the first time we meet on somebody sense you can sense that place where there's a connection that can happen and if that connection grows then you got a good person to be with and if it doesn't you probably don't thank you so much Gary for this beautiful conversation and and allowing us to come here and here in your ranch what a beautiful experience and I'm so glad you got to meet my best relationship this is the one that takes care of me all the time and never asked anything of me except that I pay for everything but that's kind of like a marriage yeah and it's like and they give so much and it's like you want somebody who contributes to your life so much that you walk away feeling better than when you arrived and that's what I always get from the horses my best relationships thank you thank you so much big kisses my beautiful co-creators from sunny California I was gonna say Florida but no much not as big big kisses bye bye you you

Michael Martin

27 Responses

  1. Dommage qu'il n'y a pas de sous-titre en français,j'aurai tellement aimer comprendre ce qu'il dit.

  2. I dont trust this man. He is confused and wants to confuse people. Lilou how can you make a mistake interviewing someone like him.

  3. This is really so true. Now I know I haven't been wrong thinking about it the same way. 🙂 I am so happy I could cry.

  4. I see no "demons" there. Just someone who speaks his truth.
    I it is not yours than that is fine.

    The fact is "sacrifices" are what the name says. Do you really want to do that?
    Even if my marriage has not failed I would say that ESPECIALLY someone with failed marriages is someone to be able to give advise about it…. Think about it…. 

  5. According to Feng Shui a lot of energy escapes through the toilet and it is a good idea energetically to put it down.

  6. What is it with the toilet seat?  Just close the lid and everything.  It will keep your pets and cmall children out of it, too.  (And some say bacteria is kicked up from water droplets during the flush.)

  7. Lilou Thank you for this interview!  I must admit at the end of it I changed my mind about checking his book and writing on the relationships subject. With due respect –  Gary is not walking his talk – two failed marriages and now "relationship  with horses" and women for easy fun….. that is fine but honestly – do I want to take his advise on how healthy functional loving and committed relationship works? well no 

  8. I'm afraid this man's comments about his ex-wives said a lot about him. I can't be bothered listening to any more. There's no wisdom here.

  9. Thanks Lilou. My honest reaction??? I love honesty but I had a certain feeling that Gary has become a little cynical about humans and what love really looks like. To make it work in a committed relationship we have to do some sacrificing for each other and I disagree that each person should be able to do whatever they want. What about when each person want to do things that hurt the other? Basically, it's hard to get along with people and we have to learn to be flexible and learn what forgiveness really is because we all need to get it at times and give it at times. Mixed feelings about Gary's wisdom. I KNOW I'm not necessarily right – just honest. What I loved? His magnificent stallion clearly ADORES him and vice versa and THAT touched me the most.

  10. Pow- Straight to point! I thought I was genuine but this gentleman is amazingly unbelievable. Wow.. Thanks 🙂

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