3 ‘Innocent’ Ways Women Wreck Relationships


Hey what’s up. This is Clayton and Jack. And in today’s video, we’re gonna be talking
about the three types of women that men ultimately leave or break up with right. This is an important video. And one of the reasons it’s important is because
we are setting out to identify three different unconscious roles or identities that women
can tend to fall into that block authenticity. Yes. It blocks intimacy and it ultimately has men
leave because they’re not actually feeling your vulnerability right. Men might not even be able to articulate this. They might not even be able to say, “oh
I’m not really feeling your vulnerability. It’s just that there’s something that ends
up missing in the interaction and in the relationship because the woman is unconsciously in one
of these roles or these types.” Yes. And when you’re unconsciously in a role, it
really limits your response. It limits your behavior. It basically confined you to a very narrow
version of yourself that is less true and less deep. So, what we’re really aiming at here is how
can you fully bring yourself and who you are to your man and then he’s really he knows
who you are and if he wants to be with you then that’s kind of clear at that point. Absolutely. And what I’m hearing you say too is identifying
these roles and understanding where you might be confining yourself. And once you can get rid of these restrictions,
you are more free to be vulnerable in relationship. You’re more free to express your boundaries
in the relationship. You’re more free to express the things that
you need from him so you can be able to draw lines and know whether the two of you are
compatible and also give him something to work for and fight for in the relationship. And show up as someone who’s demanding his
best self because you’re not unconscious. Yes. Because if you’re playing a role, you’re likely
to attract someone who is playing a role and now we have a role-playing relationship. And probably if have you been watching some
of these videos, you actually want more from your relationship than just playing an unconscious
role. I just want to say something, here’s a bit
of a caveat. There are equivalencies of this for men right. So, we’re not putting all the responsibility
at your door as a woman and if this is a role or a game that you’re up to you will really
benefit from noticing and distinguishing that and trying to relax it. And even noticing how these roles may play
into the men that you date right. But because most of you that are watching
this are most likely women, we’re giving you a way to look at yourself and see where you
may be embodying something that’s not completely authentic with who you really are. Yes. Totally. Yes. So, let’s break it up, do you want to see
yourself with the first country’s role? Yes. So, the first one we’re kind of talk about
is the Pleaser. Now the pleaser archetype or the police or
a role is the woman who gives to get. The giving isn’t coming from a place of generosity
but rather it’s this unconscious belief or maybe even a very explicit belief that’s not
there of “I’m going to give, give and give” and create this almost secret contract or
this like covert contract where you are going to feel indebted to me and then now you’ve
got to give, give and give the way that I want to receive. So, rather than asking for her needs to be
met rather than vulnerably expressing what it is she’s wanting, she’s just giving, giving
and giving. And hoping, oftentimes laced with a little
bit of resentment when she’s not receiving what she wants turn to be more than a little
sometimes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Yes. It’s almost like if I give enough to you,
you won’t leave me, or if I give enough to you, you’ll love me. Probably in a way that I’m not actually loving
myself right. It’s the part of growth there. So, it’s almost like a compromising himself
and sacrificing for the other person which typically happens when somebody has a core
belief that perhaps who they are on the inside is not quite good enough. They think they have to make the other person
feel… they have to please the other the love super loved given rescue but they’re
not really loving themselves and holding true to their boundaries and what is that they
want. So, for example it could be that you’re really,
really tired though you’re like, “Oh you are tired so let me make you a meal. Let me make sure that you’re okay,” when
actually “I’m really tired and I need some attention.” One more thing on that to just add is that
the Pleaser can typically it… one of the thoughts here is that I will do all these
things for you and then you won’t actually have a reason to leave me. So, what often happens to the guy… this
is the impact it has on the guy: the guy starts to feel like, Wow I can’t keep up with all
of this giving and it doesn’t feel good. I feel like I’m indebted and I feel like it’s
not completely reciprocal, and because of that there’s a sense of guilt that maybe I
have being in the interaction with you and many times men’s only way out at that point
is that actually and the dynamic and the relationship. The other thing that could happen is that
they’re not realizing that you’re over giving which could just be like I’m getting very
used to you doing all these things for me and loving me in this way but I don’t realize
that there’s this hidden resentment. That it’s not actually given freely for you
one more back from me right. And then that’s where the kind of resentment
can often lead to relationship breakdown. Let’s talk about the second one. Yes. So, the second one is the Protector. And this is almost at the opposite end of
the spectrum. So, if you just think about it, kind of energetically,
the Pleaser is kind of leaning into the relationship. It kind of over here like focuses on the other
person. The Protector is almost a little bit more
leaned out of the relationship. The core belief of the Protector is I take
care of me, right. It’s not that the other person in the relationship
takes care of me. I take care of me. So, there’s a quality of Independence which
can be actually very attractive to the man particularly maybe in the initial stages of
dating. And challenging too. There’s a quality of being challenging. There’s a sense of self-sufficiency. This is sort of like a low maintenance woman
or that’s very much that the role that this person is occupying that, “hey I’ve got
me. You know great we can go on dates we can do
things but ultimately I don’t need you to do anything for me.” And oftentimes underneath this there is actually
an unconscious desire to have someone meet you more deeply and take care of you but that
brings up a level of vulnerability that’s not okay. So, sometimes with protectors there’s a history
of I needed to learn how to be really independent and take care of myself because maybe no one
would have taken care of or I was afraid that no one would. It’s very similar to Pleaser even though
they’re almost on opposites the spectrum rate in a sense that the protector also doesn’t
feel comfortable expressing needs because this core belief that if I actually did need
something and I really did ask or was dependent in some way in some context with a man that
I would be abandoned right; that I would that he would leave me if he if he knew what I
really wanted so there’s this almost heightened kind of protection or this armor over her
being like, “yeah you know I don’t need anything I’m totally good. I’m good.” And if you try to give me anything it’s almost
as if it threatens a deep part of them yeah as they start to feel too vulnerable and like
don’t see me as weak don’t see me as weak because you know I don’t need anything. And often what happens with a man is he starts
to feel emasculated and that because his love or his generosity or whatever it is that he’s
giving isn’t fully received by woman and at first it can seem challenging, it can seem
like a really awesome mountain to try to climb and be challenged by to test his love in some
ways but when he realizes he’ll never really get to the top it gets exhausting. Men typically break up with that after a while. So, you’ve had two P’s don’t tell me there’s
a third P. There’s a third P. I didn’t think was gonna happen but it did. The third P is the Performer. Now the Performer is it’s almost like a sister
or a cousin of the Pleaser, (I think that’s right) And the Performer, the belief there
the core attribute is I will become whatever I think that you want me to be so the way
that you see me is it’s in the best light. And if I do properly, if I show up properly
then I will be worthy of your love. So what that can often turn into is a woman,
or a partner, whomever contorting themselves in a certain way to put off this image. It’s almost like consistently putting on the
best image and trying to be polished and from all these different angles thinking that that’s
what the other person wants. And never really revealing what’s behind the
veneer. Yes. It’s almost imagining that person will only
love the image that you put out rather than what we could call the real self underneath
that. So, there’s lots of attention to the surface
but what gets left out is the depth of you, the realness of you and maybe even the parts
of you that you find difficult right. But for you to fully be with someone in relationship,
they actually have to be with all of you. So, it’s a kind of manipulation. It’s a kind of subtle way of manipulating. It’s like, “oh if I look like this, you’re
gonna love this. This is who I can be for you,” but it’s
also exhausting. It’s exhausting to constantly maintain an
image you know. You know what it’s like to get up in the morning
and have you know that head of you. Every moment of your day I always have to
attend to your image being a certain way. It really narrows your behaviors and options. It doesn’t feel good ultimately. And it ultimately communicates a lack of confidence
because it’s a denial of your own humanity. It’s a denial of your own vulnerability in
the places where you’re not perfect, in the places where things are a little bit messy
in your life. And maybe there’s certain emotions that are
coming up that you have deemed as weak or you don’t feel like you should be sharing
with your partner but all of that trying to hide that because you think it’s gonna make
you look weak. Ironically, it actually makes you look weak
after a while because there’s only this façade, that’s like cardboard cutout of a woman or
man you’re in a relationship with. Yes. Totally. This you know in in culture at large this
would sort of be a Hollywood phenomenon right. It’s all about the looks and the red carpet
and the image and what are we wearing that’s not really about making contact with someone
which is actually opening your heart to them and being real and human as Clayton is saying. Yes. So, what are the ways out of these roles right,
we’ve distinguished them for the purpose of really to empower you to begin to see the
places where you might be going unconscious. The roles that you might be going into that
are robbing you of actually your real power, your voice authenticity and uniqueness in
a relationship with a man and what is the way to get out of this? That’s a good set up because I think we’ve
got more that we can teach you about this. And the best way to benefit from that is to
join us on a free webinar that we’re running Called The Three Keys To Being Relationship
Ready – How Successful Women Find A High-Quality Man. You can find the link to that webinar below
this video. And do you want to say anything about the
webinar? Yes. We distinguished some of these roles. We actually go more in depth into the Pleaser
and into the Protector as well. And we also on the key three, you’re gonna
really want to stick around for that because we talked about a very specific type of vulnerability
that is actually the combination lock that gets you out right of these roles. And it helps you feel begin to feel more safe
and empowered to be more in your essence, be more in your authenticity when interacting
with men, whether you’re already in a relationship with somebody that you’re wanting to take
it to a more serious level or whether you’re single and you’re dating, you’re trying to
establish that initial connection. So, hope you join us on. We’ve had amazing feedback and we’ve had women
really say that it’s changed their lives. So, come find what that can do it for you. We hope to see you there. Click on the link below this video and we’ll
talk then thanks for being with us.

Michael Martin

96 Responses

  1. Thank you for this informative video. I have been a victim of this,been a pleaser and performer,just to end up in hospital. Now learning to take care of myself first.

  2. I can really relate to the giver role from my past relationship this is so insightful and spot on. I also like the way you guys commented on the fact that men can play roles too and not just applicable to women. These are wonderful tips to be conscious of to avoid repeating in future relationships. Thank you, great work!

  3. I joined the webinar a few weekes ago (from Italy 😉 )… it's extremely interesting, clear, to the point and you guys make a perfect team. It's nice to see that!
    I guess I'm on the protector side and trying to learn to allow a man to take care of me…after attending your webinar I thought that perhaps I'm a risk-taker in so many aspects of life but I am by no means a risk-taker when it comes to my heart. Thank you for letting me realise that!

  4. at kung may ngmamayari n s lalake ang ipangblablackmail nia s lalake pr nd xa iwan ay ssvhin nia n may nangyare s knila at ang lalake humabol s katawan nia at gusto xa..ky gagawa xa praan pr akitin lalake n gusto nia pr may pangblackmail xa pr mcra c dion sken

  5. Poor us. No matter what we do it's wrong. If they want to go they will go no matter what. Men are so egocentric. I'm not jumping through hoops. Go.

  6. This video is amazing. I really was the protector I had realized this after my last relationship when I wanted to change this about myself so badly and break this thought pattern that my vulnerability was weakness but it is our strength as a woman! Thank you for this video and all of your videos !!!

  7. Thank you for being succinct and accurate with these roles. Is it possible that a woman could be all 3 of these roles?I feel that each one speaks to me and how I interact in a relationship. I find it a bit worrisome and could obviously benefit from the webinar attached to this discussion. Awareness is key though, so I plan to pursue this further in myself as I feel it impacts all other relationships in my life and that becomes self sabotaging and definitely not who I want to be. Thanks again for the valuable insight.

  8. ung girl dito nakaalis n nd iniharap sken.saan ky bago space nl ni d.a.nwei may pera c d.a khit san puede nia itago ung girl

  9. I am Performer… Never thought it's bad.. but yes, it's exhausting. What is going to happen if I stop playing games, pretending like I don't care and show my vulnerability?? May be I should become more open and sincere?
    Who knows..
    Thank you for this insight.

  10. What a load of babble.. haha. Over giving = not being a lazy twat, it's not "you can't leave me because I do everything around here. How often do men leave their wifemummies anyway?

  11. You guys are the best dating coaches there is! Very emotionally insightful which is really what it's all about, how we connect emotionally, after having found interest in our exteriour.

  12. I wish I saw this sooner in my life and fixed it.. it’s really hard to move on from someone who I finally thought was the one

  13. I was always in a role before trying to hide my real self, trying to protect myself from being hurt….which made me be hurt more…nothing like being real…I keep saying that to everybody….to take the mirror back to myself and integrate this in my future love life.

  14. God thank u…I was these three…I am not anymore thanks to my spiritual awakening becoming the real me. Good to see who I was before and why it didn't work…life always brings us back what we need to learn until we learn it…

  15. My goodness, you guys hit the nail right with the hammer. I'm definitely the protector…Geez

  16. Is it ok to be the first one to message the guy even after he did not reply to me hours after my last message?

  17. These roles seem really closely tied to Enneagram personality types, I am an 8 which is the Protector. This video was a super helpful reminder about finding strength IN the vulnerability rather than hiding behind false strength. Just curious if your thoughts are indeed linked to Enneagram?

  18. A REEALLY GOOD video! Awesome ideas, it really brought thoughts that I have never considered before. Thank you guys!

  19. Very educative guys! Thank you so much. I've figured out some of my flaws from these classifications , and starting to rework my confidence and vulnerability.

  20. Gosh. I’m so the “protector “ I always had to work hard for what I have no help. So I’m use to being super independent & not asking for help. It’s tough

  21. Good god, I think I have aspects of all three… and you are right – it comes from a place of not valuing myself. I had a 35 year marriage to an emotional manipulator, if I expressed my emotional needs it was thrown back at me and if I pushed I would get the silent treatment for days. I was valued only for the bedroom and kitchen, and although I bent over backwards to please my husband, nothing was ever good enough. I also felt that I should just be grateful for the good things, count my blessings and denied my own needs to be cherished and validated. I am now on a journey of learning to value myself and through the study I have done in these areas of narcissism and self esteem, recognise behaviours in myself that come across as needy. I do fear sharing my own emotional needs with others for fear of rejection / invalidation. I am coming to recognise that what I thought was being kind and helpful is also a form of control. Again, I was seeking validation outside of myself rather than standing up and saying "I have value in my own right and it is not wrong to be my own best friend."

  22. I am a extreme protector. Being vulnerable to have any body take care of me..is a threat. I'm always looking for what they want back from me. Also, what will I do if ever they leave.

  23. You know what this is all bulshit if there is no sexual chemistry they are going to leave you no matter what you do for them or not do for them. Just like us women we might pass a great generous guy that loves us for a jerk that is just a taker because we are sexually attracted to them. Be honest with yourself am I right or not?

  24. If you hadn't have labelled this at women, I would have thought you were talking about men, because that's exactly men. And I don't notice any men being, loving or generous. Therein lies the problem.
    I think I missed out on all the good men, because I was so busy recovering from all the useless men, who make it their business, to try and get whats convenient for them, and very inconvenient for you
    Obviously it must be me, maybe I suffer from all three. As far as I know a relationship should be about supporting each others needs, at least to some extent., and make you happy in life of at least something to hang onto- if it is all such hard work as it sound like above, – shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place..Obviously relationships are work but it's the work put in to be there for each other, genuinely , rather than it being all an act – or should I say Performance. !!

  25. I absolutely loved this. To be who you truly are with depth and not restrict yourself to a role is so freeing! I think it takes such a confident women to achieve that level in her life.

  26. thank you so much, your video's are great; because they deal with REAL STUFF, real patterns, and real emotional restrictions, on a personal and spiritual level; great works thank you! love your work! xxx

  27. These roles apply to many relationships.. family, friendships…especially the 'Pleaser' types often are very passive aggressive, and may be very vicious and vindictive if their 'sacrifices' aren't rewarded the way they wanted. Giving should always be sincere, not a calculated game to gain control in someone else's life…
    However… many of these games in a relationship are a result of being told by various gurus that we should do this and that in order to qualify for a man. So please, try to have compassion and realize that so many men play games and exploit women when we show any vulnerability.

  28. You women for all break because she needed to give more of your needs I think like to naturally do things for each because love each wt love came great relationship if you both work together wt love.

  29. Shared along human lines, people who blame have not (yet) uncovered their true Inner selves merged with an activated Spirit.

  30. Guys have principles an woman do stupid things to turn us off.. they don’t take responsibility for their accountability’s. Act like children. Have no self identity. You can express something that bothers you an how you feel doesn’t matter at that point cause she’s upset so you’re feelings don’t matter after that

  31. This video is based on the response of a man of a certain type. Yes, those types do exist, but for example, one might give, which u call the pleaser, but the other just takes takes takes. This video is based on a man being 100% cooperative, but the woman is sending mixed signals. I dont agree with these scenarios provided.

  32. I identified with the Protector. I think Protectors have the deep wound of the feminine, "I am not safe". We become strong and self-sufficient and yes, do battle to express our feminine vulnerability. But the challenge is working to upgrade/reframe our core false beliefs – which translates into who we attract and choose. The challenge is not … developing 'better' skills to ensure we don't make our man feel emasculated by our self-sufficiency and lack of vulnerability. There is a difference. Great topic. Thanks!

  33. All these are "acts" (pleasing, protecting, etc) are manipulations at heart. They are designed to control out of fear. I think the key to a good relationship is being "real," being honest with yourself, honest in a kind way to your date (or mate), and kind to yourself too. It means courage to build a vulnerable but strong sense of self and the boundaries and values that come with it. Of course, this is a life long process.

  34. Yeah all very interesting but basic problem for women is that they have to make the best of a very poor set of options because of the male: female ratio in the West. Sad fact but true.

  35. Never change who you are to please a man or a woman… If they don't like the authentic you.. Then they aren't a good person or human. They suck and need to go

  36. My sister is a big pleaser! She would give everything to a guy, and hopes she will be his whole world. Whenever she starts relationship, she would completely ditch family and friends, cook, clean and do everything for him, but except that he would worship her for it. She was never left by guy, but they usually get tired of her, while still enjoying the benefits and her loyalty. On the end she would break up, and start the new cycle again. She is 45 years old, and still didn’t learn.

  37. Oh good lord….I’m a little bit of ALL of these. No wonder my relationships have never worked out. I’m so glad I took the plunge to start my self-love journey, it’s been hard learning about all of my not so great traits. But I’m grateful because now I know how I need to heal.

  38. I'm a guy and I don't know why I watched it but I think being better is better then being yourself. Women will do almost anything to please the man she loves and try to become the one who he needs. And that's a beautiful thing as long as that's expressed in non needy or clingy way. If your man doesn't appreciate that you can walk away and that's the strength you should have.
    By the way Alphas never talk about relationship stuff cause there's far more important things to accomplish.

  39. My only problem is I'm way to picky!!! Yet to find a man with the qualities I want! Oh well….good thing I like myself! And animals…they don't lie, cheat and like me for me!

  40. I would counter these ideas. I think women are testing men for a period of time to see if they measure up to our standard. If it's always one-sided care for a period of time, then time to move on.

  41. Hi, I really learned a lot from you both. But my problem is my doctor who is so much richer and tallented, and popular than me, more educated, and more infuence than I could ever be or measure up to. I'm a client of his, and he had open up safely like what were you doing when you were a young girl, I was going to a chiropractor school. Where were you then, I was so worry about getting in trouble answering these questions, and letting him know that I was no where near it. Later on I wanted to bring it up, but he stoped me so i hang on the thought for so long, I could bust. other things too, when he open up and asked me if I would like him to be like he was. I didn't answer in time, and he closed his arms. now that i had answered this question, & he sees no sense to do it. I wish that i'm not a client or married. but i tried to be my best at supporting him, and i see that he needed that closeness, like i am so hurt like a wounded bird that needed his help, and trusting him to do everything in his power to get me better. help. his workers, girls were keeping me at bay, but it all changed, and w/o telling him about it, he had a feeling that something was happening. help.

  42. Oh I believe I fall into "the protector" role (self protector), which goes hand in hand with being low maintenance for the man. Maybe it happens more to women who've pretty much had to be the man for themselves much of their lives. It's not that they want to emasculate it's that they've been emasculated. A strong woman should be an attractive thing, but once in a relationship she should release some of that strength for the man to pick up and run with for her.

  43. I think as a giver, it's very easy to become the martyr. I've seen it with friends and fight it in myself.
    Performer sounds like a narcissistic until they reel you in they can't keep up the show for long.

  44. So good…rob myself everyday of being happy out of fear. I identify highly with Miss Independent…my true heart wants someone to love me for me and be my guy. My fear is that I’ll sabotage anything great because I don’t want to be hurt. It’s really tough…and it’s very exhausting.

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